Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Quentin Tarantino

Rose McGowan/Cherry
Michael Biehn/Sheriff Hague
Kurt Russell/Stuntman Mike
Rosario Dawson/Abernathy
8 10
Chefs Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino serve up two for one (well in North America anyways) B-Movie plates via Grindhouse. Bobby guns out a wacky, “infected peeps” on the loose opus called Planet Terror while Quent spits out a loony “Kurt Russell” and his hot car vs. yapping dames via Death Proof. Let the grinding begin!

Ladies, we're gonna have some fun! - Stuntman Mike

I’m a big fan of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez. Both gents have put out some freaking celluloid keepers over the years and have acted as stern sources of inspiration for the newest generation of filmmakers. With GRINDHOUSE, these kool duders aimed to bring us back to the good old days of 70s and 80s exploitation action/horror schlock. A time when political correctness was way down in the shitter (where it belongs). Did they succeed at it? Here are my 69 cents!

Planet Terror (Rating 3.5/4):

After Planet Terror came to a close, I wanted to stand up and cheer like a coke fueled cheerleader on coke! Alas I couldn’t because I saw it at a Press screening and they don’t play that game there. So you know what? I’ll do it right now. “Arrow stands” - BRAVO! BRAVO! HOOKERS FOR ALL! BRAVO! Rodriguez so nailed the late 70s and early-mid 80s exploitation jive with his entry resulting in one of the more entertaining flicks of the year thus far! Minor pacing issues aside (middle section); Planet Terror was an absolute blast to sit through! Sexy, raunchy, totally off the wall, out of line (loved that sack of testicules gag), butt-slapping funny and gorier than a butcher at a chicken-coop party, I couldn’t get enough of this cinematic badass!

The film slyly played out its main narrative and gnarly subplots (The Mr Block vs Mrs Block story owned me!) in a tongue in cheek manner, springing off well known 80’s horror/action conventions with glee and razor wit. I was on the freaking floor! The incredible cast in this madhouse thankfully ran with that sweet joo-joo all the way! Rose McGowan was all around class, sass, confidence and sexiness! Cherry was a fantastic character and McGowan wrangled it effortlessly! Think Ripley from ALIENS but hotter than hell and sporting a dangerous yet arousing attitude! I’d kill to see Cherry in her own movie! KILLL! Freddy Rodriguez rocked it too! He had the tough dude and dead pan thing down pat! LOVED HIM!

While the great Michael Biehn… well… lets please have a moment of silence for The Biehn………………… HE SO CAME THROUGH! It was a freaking delight to see The Biehn in freaking hardcore action again! The man kicked butt and took names like no other and his stoic, dead serious performance had me grinning from ear to ear (he really wants that recipe...lol). Add to all that; clever dialogue galore, lots of shit going KABOOM real good, all kinds of well staged action set pieces, an endearing inventive streak (stump-gun rocked), The Fahey (yeah you heard me Jeff F*cking Fahey… nough said) and a winning score that emulated 80s John Carpenter to a T and you get a non-stop rollercoaster ride of splats, tits, guns and giggles! AWESOME! Now this IS a Grindhouse film!

After Rodriguez’ missile to the brain, it was Tarantino’s turn to get a crack at it with Death Proof.

Death Proof (Rating 1.5/4):

I worship pretty much everything that Tarantino has done except for Kill Bill 2 (which under whelmed me) and Jackie Brown (although that one has started to grow on me); so you can imagine my surprise when I swiftly realized that I was loathing Death Proof with a passion. Tarantino’s incredibly self indulgent, painfully redundant and poorly structured segment was akin to watching paint dry on a dead cow. Sorry but witnessing two groups of self absorbed, Ebonics abusing, unrealistic and totally un-likeable chicks yap about NOTHING (like foot massages…its old man) via “gratingly self aware” and macho dialogue (yup these dames talk like dudes) did not equal fun times for me. Hearing them drop the words “bitch” and “motherf*cker” at every second word didn’t help matters either. My trusty back-hand kept wanting to lash out at the screen in retort! HOLD ME BACK MAN!

Yup I zoned out often during this one and kept praying that Kurt Russell would get in there and kill these “sailor on leave’ twats already! Speaking of Russell; the man was tops as per usual and along with one heck of an impressively shot "murders by car-crash" bit and a nifty end car chase (that sadly didn't mean much to me since I didn't give a damn by then) he was pretty much the sole reason to sit through this bore fest. Every time Russell popped onscreen, I breathed a sigh of relief. It meant these phoney broads would stop verbally vomiting garbage for at least a second. The man’s strong charisma and slick hair also helped ease the agony of the whole. Sadly Russell was underused for the most part (he vanishes from the film for like half an hour) and the initial premise that carried so much promise was quickly shot in the foot. I thought I was gonna see a slasher-ish “psycho kills chicks with his car” piñata of fun not a lumbering and profanity laced Tupperware Party!

And to add insult to insult the last block felt forced and dragged like a dead lay. The reversal of roles (you'll see) didn't feel organic and the day I see Kurt “Snake Plissken- Sergeant Todd” Russell reduced to sniveling sissy level by a group of poseur Spicegirls is the day I say F*CK THAT! I guess today is that day, since the film did just that, so… F*CK THAT! Maybe I just didn’t get it, maybe I missed something… but whatever the case; Death Proof is now officially my least favorite Tarantino film of all time.

In between both features we were treated to some faux trailers. Here’s what I thought of them:

Spoof Trailers:

Rodriguez’s Machete was my fav of the lot! You just can’t go wrong with Danny Trejo f*cking people up in an 80’s action style type of effort. I hope Rodriguez gets the feature going because I’M THERE with bells and hand grenades on! Edgar Wright's Don't Scream was amusing for the most part but it stretched its one joke just a little too much if ya ask me. Still a riot though.

Eli Roth’s Thanksgiving was deliciously out of line and the voice over trailer dude was downright hilarious! Every time he name dropped “Thanksgiving” in that deep, low voice, I cracked up! Rob Zombie’s Werewolf Women of the S.S was gnarly in concept but the execution didn’t do much for me. Zombie didn’t capitalize on his Werewolf angle enough and the trailer wasn't all that it could've been.

So there you have it buds and budettes! On the whole; Grindhouse did a stellar job at capturing the feel of old school and shameless fun times. With its scratched and dust filled images and its bodacious missing reels (which somehow added to the experience) I felt like I was back in the 80s! WELCOME TO THE GRINDHOUSE!

Listing all of the gore gags present in this double feature would result in me writing a BOOK! So I will say this; snipped off balls, hollowed heads, severed limbs, messy gun shot wounds…vicious car mayhem…its freaking grisly…its freaking graphic…its freaking tight. Great job again KNB! You rocked it!
Rose McGowan (Cherry) exuded powerful confidence, charm and sensuality. She led Planet Terror like the acting trooper that she is. Impressive performance! Michael Biehn (Sheriff Hague) can do no wrong in my sacred book of great men and here was no different. The man owned the screen and dead panned like the best of them! Another fav of mine; Kurt Russell (Stuntman Mike) was magnetic, charismatic and threatening when given the chance. We needed more Russell!

Josh Brolin (Dr. Block) was freaking on the ball as the low key yet menacing Doc! He was a blast! Marley Shelton (Dr. Dakota Block) gave yet another solid all around showcase. Along with Biehn, the amazing Jeff Fahey (J.T.) stole every scene he was in. I missed that guy! Rosario Dawson (Abernathy) always comes through and was the least annoying of the yapping-dames. Vanessa Ferlito (Arlene) had an aura and cuteness about her that kept my eyes on her…and her big, yummy lips.
T & A
Ample titties? CHECK! Girls making out? CHECK? A little bit of female ass spread about with McGowan being one of the donors? CHECK! A swift beaver shot? CHECK! Arrow freaking happy! DOUBLE CHECK!
Robert Rodriguez imbued his film with energy, wild shots, style and spooky atmosphere. Quentin Tarantino was a tad more restrained but his shot compositions stood out and when he went buck wild, he went all out! His multi angle, slow mo car crash and his freeze frame madness were a hoot! Great job by both!
I totally grooved to the old school Planet Terror synthesizer score while the more soul oriented tracks of Death Proof fit the bill but didn’t do much for me (just not my kind of music).
On the whole, Grindhouse delivered the smutty, gory and un-PC goods with vigor, high wit and a big set of balls. Planet Terror was my main event, the reason for my high rating and was alone worth the good bad-trip. The film constantly succeeded in what it aimed to do, resulting in a buck and a half of trashy, warped and gruesome enjoyment. On the other stab, I so wanted to walk out on Death Proof. The flick aggravated me BIG TIME via its “cussing” Power Puff heroines and left me cold unless Kurt Russell was onscreen doing his thing. It should’ve been all about Russell killing dames with his ride, NOT dames killing me via NAG, NAG, NAG, BLA, BLA, BLA, CLOSE UP ON FEET, YAWN! The faux trailers were mostly pleasant and the stylistic axis towards giving us a full fledge Grindhouse experience mucho successful! It lived up to its hype, Death Proof aside that is. Now give me a feature length version of MACHETE! TREJO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ROCK!
Mickey Rourke was originally going to play "Stuntman Mike". Something happened and Kurt Russell replaced him.

Appearances included: Bruce Willis, Quentin Tarantino, Nicolas Cage, Sybil Danning, Michael Parks (way underused)Tom Savini, Eli Roth, Udo Kier, Sheri Moon Zombie, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Bill Moseley and that talent-less hussie who's teaching today's teen girls how to be sluts via her shitty lap-dance music Stacy Ferguson (aka Fergie).