Reviews & Counting
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The Expendables(2010)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone/Ross
Jason Statham/Christmas
Dolph Lundgren/Gunnar
Eric Roberts/James
8 10
A group of muscled and no bull mercenaries with balls made of impenetrable concrete get hired to streamline a suicide gig in South America. The mission? Bring a numb nuts dictator down. The problem? Eric f*cking Roberts and his coffee cup are behind it all, pulling the strings. If you’ve seen Best of the Best, you know that one does NOT mess with The Roberts. He aint playing and neither is his army of well armed goons. Let the hostilities begin!

Only an idiot would do this job. - Trench

Before I discovered horror, “action” was my main love in terms of film genres. I grew up with FIRST BLOOD, COMMANDO, RAMBO 2, RAW DEAL, COBRA, MISSING IN ACTION etc. I would actually skip school to stay home and watch 80’s action flicks all the time. I owe a lot of who I am today to those films and the stars behind them. Shit I even created my own ode to 80's action via the indie action flick DEADEN. The love I have is never ending. Now, action was all the rage in the 80’s and when the genre stepped into the 90’s something happened, not sure what exactly, but it did, shit started to go down like Adam Lambert in a sea of cocks. I personally noticed the nosedive as to the masses in 1991 when the JEFF SPEAKMAN starring THE PERFECT WEAPON bombed at the Box Office and today in 2010, much like the true definition of what makes a man a man, the macho action genre has been mostly bitch slapped to the end of the line i.e. straight to DVD hell where men (and I stress the word men) like Dolph Lundgren are doing all they can to keep the flame going with gems like THE RUSSIAN SPECIALIST or THE KILLING MACHINE. Sure Statham is doing his part on the big screen with THE TRANSPORTER franchise… but it’s not enough. We need more ammo!

But somebody is trying to change that, make a wrong a right. A mofo who has brought me mucho inspiration while growing up and that still does to this day, my fav action star; SYLVESTER STALLONE. How? With THE EXPENDABLES, a big budget 80’s ish action flick fuelled with so much testosterone that it might melt the mascara off the gals and the dudes who wear it in the house. Although Sly began his “bring real men action back to the big screen” crusade with the masterpiece that was RAMBO, THE EXPENDABLES will be the true test in terms of “is there still room in our culture for these kind of films on the big screen” as it’s an effort that is not relying on an iconic movie character like John Rambo to reel in the crowds, its depending on action stars of old, big, bulldog balls, a monster body count and a f*ckload of guns. Will the new generation get into this stuff like I did in the days? We’ll find out when it opens, till then here are my thoughts on the picture.

I f*cking loved it! The film kicked in with a badass action scene, grabbing me by the “couillons” right way and by the time I got to the Sly, Willis and Arnie verbal man-dance, I was already sold. That latter bit by the way was very funny, specially if you know of the old rivalry that Sly and Arnold use to have in the 80’s as they competed for top action man spot. After that THE EXPENDABLES stayed true to what it is, reveled in its roots gleefully, and much like a slasher flick, it became almost review proof. The storyline was nothing to nail a goat dry over, didn't expect it to be, it was one, two three, mostly there to tie up scenes of carnage to one another... yup... much like the one man army movies of old. Character development? Yeah we got glimpses of depth here and there — Sly and Rourke’s characters had existential streaks, Statham had a rocky (pun intended) love life and Dolph, well Dolph was snorting or smoking something, hence his noggin damage. Most of it was vague as the film was more interested in whooping skulls and gunning down everything in sight than focusing on its gents and at the end of the lay that was the main reason I was wasting in that theater seat anyways... so... ALL GOOD! So what was it about THE EXPENDABLES that had me cream my pants and bench press 250 pounds when I got home? Like really? Was it Stallone’s keen eye in terms of staging uber cool (loved that six shooter schtuff) and visceral action scenes? Dude knows the lay of the land in that respect and the film was all about Sly showing off what he knows best behind and in front of the camera. Man the action was dope! Or was it the left field moments of brutality and high gore (some CGI but it still worked)? Maybe it was the arresting slow motion shots, sweeping camera movements, the crazy chases, enthralling hand to hand fights or Terry Crews and his mammoth AA-12 shotgun going buck wild? It was ALL OF IT.

Let me make this very simple for ya. The first hour of THE EXPENDABLES was all about weaving its storyline (loved the nod to RAMBO 2 via the female informant. I almost expected her to say: “Rambo, you not expendable") and taking a pee break every 5 minutes to kill peeps, get into chases and blow shit up. Now that I think of it; the film's action sequences kind of acted as a Stallone best of. We get the nutty car chase from COBRA (even Sly's ride was semi similar), the invade the compound scene from RAMBO 3 and the pure mayhem of RAMBO 2 for the finale. Speaking of the last call, man did it end with a bang! This mofo's last half hour was all about going to town with manly man violence, fist fights, gunfights, explosions, nutty set pieces all inter-cut together to create an orgy of spectacular violence for us to jump into. That’s it, that’s the movie! Sure we get some cheesy one liners, endearing humor, Eric Roberts dangerously sipping coffee and some “respect life to save one’s soul” deep thoughts from The Rourke but when all was said and strangled, THE EXPENDABLES was about one thing, and one thing only; pow-pow and men inflicting PAIN on bad men for the cause. What cause? F*ck you! That cause! Simple as whip cream on a shaved twat. Tagged with a RAMBO ish score by ace composer Bryan Tyler, breathtaking locations, hot actresses Giselle Itié and Charisma Carpenter bringing in some sweet estrogen to the mix, fly chemistry between our boys and an endearing broes before hoes attitude, THE EXPENDABLES didn’t have to do much to deliver, it just had to BE and be it was. I ate it up like Uncle Billy at a pie eating contest.

Any drawbacks ? A couple. It did feel like some meat got chopped off and left to rot on the cutting room floor. The story somewhat felt rushed and the back-ground as to Dolph’s character begged for like 5 minutes of further exposition. I expect to see an extended cut of the film when it comes out on DVD. It smelled like the Studio got in there and did some shaving to get the clock time down. Moreover some of the more “expendable” dudes had limited screen time, were just there to kick ass…and that was it. I wish I could’ve known more about Terry Crews character, Couture, even Jet Li….cause when given the time to shine, they did hardcore... but it was not meant to be. Other than that… well… NATHING! No more whining like a girly man. THE EXPENDABLES was what I though it should be; an action jamboree of men being men the way men should be. If you like 80's action films, you're all good with this one. Think the tone of Tango and Cash meets the physical get downs of Rambo 2. Lock, load and take em all down! Man I got to see this one again!
We get peeps blown to bits, a knife in the throat, countless bullet hits, knife in the the ear, mucho knife slashes/stabbings and an INSANE body-count!
T & A
We get some loosely dressed hussy that’s it. The flick begged for a strip club scene...I said it!
THE EXPENDABLES, was exactly what I thought and hoped it would be: a macho, funny, fist fight filled, ka-boom heavy hour & half of guns, broham love, guns, one-liners, chases and more guns. You dig 80's action films? BE HAPPY! This badass was a one man army opus but with more than one man doing the human laundry! Sure I would’ve liked more screen time and juice for some of the Expendables and the chain of events felt a tad rushed but other than that, I was SOLD! My balls actually got bigger after watching this one. I am curious to see how THE EXPENDABLES (and MACHETE of for that matter) will do in this day and age of “macho” being out in North America. Time will tell. I hope it kills…cause I want a sequel; big time!
Jean-Claude Van Damme was offered a role, but he turned it down cause there was no substance in the character.

Wesley Snipes was offered the role of Hale Ceasar but couldn't do it due to his tax problems, he was not allowed to leave the USA.

Steven Seagal was asked to do a cameo, but said no dice cause he has a beef with producer Avi Lerner