The other day, my friends and I were bored out of our minds, and decided to watch the film Men in Black. It was then that I realized how the “neuralizer” from the sci-fi flick would be great to have. It would be awesome to forget all about the bad dates, bad fights, and bad relationships. (Basically I would be wiping out my entire love life!) This started a lengthy discussion about what objects and items in movies we wished were real.
Horror films are full of these cool and unattainable items that horror geeks would sell their soul to the devil to own. Certain fictional objects would be amazing to have as a fanboy/girl, but some actually would be very useful in this world if they were real. Here is my top ten fangirl list of fictional objects (and even creatures) that I think would make this world a far more interesting place to live in if they existed. Spit some bullets for your own suggestions!
1. Mogwai-Gremlins
I think everybody has wanted one of these since the movie came out over twenty years ago. Gizmo made everyone “ooh and ahh” and repeat the phrase over and over again, “He’s just so cute!” As long as no water or bright light hits him, and if you keep him from eating after midnight (three rules everybody has memorized by now) a Mogwai would make the perfect pet!
2. The glasses-They Live
Being able to don Roddy Piper’s glasses from They Live would be pretty sweet. What would make the deal even sweeter is if instead of being able to differentiate the aliens from the humans, everyone would have their own version of glasses that would be able to tell different things apart. For instance, police officers would be able to tell apart the criminals from the innocents. (This would be good if we actually lived in a world where cops were proactive.) Doctors would be able to tell who’s sick and with what, so they wouldn’t misdiagnose anyone. (Which so many f*cking do!) My glasses however would be able to differentiate for me gay guys from the straight guys when it comes time to choosing a boyfriend. (I have serious troubles in this department.)
3. Lament Configuration-Hellraiser
A lot of the time, criminals aren’t brought to justice, and giving this puzzle box to them as a “gift” for all the brutality and violence they brought to others would actually be quite satisfying. Forget street justice! Let the cenobites work their magic!
4. The Journal-Butterfly Effect
Being able to go back in time through my journal would be very interesting. I wouldn’t dare try to prevent any traumatic events from happening, (for the fear of the huge ripple effect factor) but I would like to change minor details of my life. If I could go back in time, I would never subject myself to watching The Mod Squad in theatres, I would say all the clever retorts I thought of after a fight in the moment, and I would never make that booty call who eventually turned into a stalker. Yes, this would be a VERY helpful tool.
5. The Killer Condom-Killer Condom
Although there was no purpose to make this ridiculous movie, (other than for the fact to show how horribly bad it is to your friends) there actually would be a purpose if killer condoms were real. First off, the infidelity rate in relationships and marriage would rapidly decrease. Guys, have you ever heard your lover say, “If I found out you ever cheated on me, I’d cut your d*ck off?” Well if killer condoms existed, the joke would be on you. (*Insert morbid female laughter here*) People afraid of their male partners cheating would be hiding the killer condoms in their lover’s Trojans, and if they tried to cheat, they would learn a very harsh lesson that day. (Lorena Bobbit style!) On a serious note though, I think the world would be a better place if the law made convicted rapists and pedophiles put one of those condoms on when they got paroled to ensure they would stay in line.
6. The Book of Amun-RA-The Mummy
Many readers may be wondering why I’m putting this book down on the list, and not the infamous “Books of the Dead” (From The Mummy and Evil Dead) instead. Well, as cool as it would be to have those books as collector’s items, you really can’t do shit with them. (Opening them up is a bad idea, and if you read them out loud, you’re f*cked.) So why is the Book of Amun-RA a must have? It’s made out of pure gold. Need I say more?
7. Multiple Voice Changer-Scream 3
I thought the voice changer in Scream 3 (where the killer had all the characters’ voices on it) was a brilliant idea. You know how useful that thing would be? Kids in school would never have to forge one of their parent’s signatures to ditch class ever again. Also you would be able to get rid of annoying people who call you to constantly ask you out and won’t take a hint, by imitating your “boyfriend/girlfriend” on the phone. (A problem I’ve been having for quite some time now.)
8. Power Loader-Aliens
Wouldn’t it be cool if it were socially acceptable to walk around in Ripley’s famous power loader from Aliens? It would be great for heavy lifting, big moves, and scaring off bullies on the schoolyard. (No bully would ever f*ck with a kid hooked up to this device.) The hardest problem this loader would ever cause you would be figuring out where the hell you would store it.
9. Dream suppressing pills-Freddy Vs. Jason
I don’t know about you, but I suffer from severe bad dreams on a regular basis. They’re horrible! One night I’ll be dreaming I’m power-walking for my life from Michael Myers, another night I’ll dream about an ex I’m trying to forget. (See, HORRIBLE!) Having a dream suppressor would definitely decrease my tossing and turning at night. Also, it would be useful for couples with kids who always have to share their bed because their children are having “bad dreams.” (They wouldn’t be able to use that excuse anymore!)
10. Lo Pan’s Floating Eye Monster-Big Trouble in Little China
Looking for a way to scare the sh*t out of your friends? This floating eye blob would do the trick! In the movie, Lo Pan uses this monster to spy on Jack Burton and crew. If this thing were real, I would have it spy on my friends and have it record their horrified reactions when they saw the thing that was following them. I would then put it on myspace, facebook and youtube. It’s not very useful, but it would certainly make my day.
