National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets

Nicolas Cage’s great-grandpop apparently had something to do with President Lincoln’s assassination, but Cage doesn’t buy it, so he sets out to prove that his gramps was a decent man…while at the same time, finding the “City of Gold” or some shit. The usual suspects from the original film return for their close-ups here, along with Ed Harris, Helen Mirren and great Canadian Bruce Greenwood? The cast is pretty sweet, but the movie blows.

I saw this film only two hours ago, but already I can’t remember much about it. In fact, even while I was watching it, it never felt like I was ingesting anything original or creative, it actually felt a lot like I was watching the first movie over again, especially since I can’t really remember much from that film either! Now maybe there’s cause for concern about my own memory, but I think it has a lot more to do with this movie’s make-up, much of which seems to be a selective blueprint of the first film, along with a few choice switches in location, the addition of a couple of Oscar-winning actors and the latest installment of Mr. Nicolas Cage’s hairpiece. Sure, I understand that there’s a market for this kind of movie, but I guess I don’t fall into the category of folk who enjoy the “cookie-cutter” thrillers. I also thought that there was altogether way too much “talking” going on this movie, to the point where you feel like telling them to “shut up” and get into some adventures already! But of course, the thing that truly makes this film unrecommendable, from my point of view at least, is its embarrassingly massive plot holes, stretches of unbelievability and overall far-fetchedness. I mean, it’s one thing to “steal the Declaration of Independence” as they did so niftily in the first installment of this series, but to kidnap the President of the United States, to break into the Oval Office and play around with his desk and to infiltrate Buckingham Palace to do the same? Gimme a fuckin’ break, guys. And my personal favorite: when 4 bottles of Evian water being sprinkled around a random part of a mountain provides them with…the mark of an eagle!! Like Jason Statham once said so very astutely: do I look like I have the word “cunt” written on my forehead?

I don’t remember the first film making me roll my eyes as much as this one, not to mention the lame characterizations all around, with Justin Bartha literally made to be the “comic relief”, while Jon Voight and Helen Mirren embarrass themselves as a dueling old couple. Geez. As for Harvey Keitel, his part in this movie might rate right up there with the most obvious “paycheck” jobs ever…that is, if you don’t count Ed Harris knocking on the Disney money vaults for his share in this film as well. The movie doesn’t really offer much suspense either, because Cage and his buddies never seem to be wrong about anything, and the “bad guys” aren’t really that “bad”, just greedy. Sure, the film moves pretty well, looks kinda pretty and offers a car chase through London (which apparently is a daily occurrence there, because not one police car noticed these folks destroying half the city – and they escape the country without mention, of course) and a splashy ending, but all in all, this is about as generic as you can get when it comes to adventure films. But if you’re not looking for originality or even much entertainment value, and would rather just follow an over-the-top plotline about the historical elements of the United States of America leading to treasures and shit, you might want to check this out….but even then, drink a little beforehand, it will make the experience a lot more enjoyable…trust me!

For all real adventure lovers, I suggest checking into a series of films entitled INDIANA JONES and then calling me the next day to thank me for the suggestion. And yeah, I almost forgot my favorite part of this film which includes the President suggesting that Cage’s character check out the secretive “page 47” in the book of secrets. It was a great build-up until you are told at the end of the film that we’re actually not gonna be told what was on that page. Why? Simple…it’s the set-up for NATIONAL TREASURE 3! Fuck me, dude…fuck me. And you know how director Jon Turteltaub had the studio mention his name at the end of all this film’s trailers? Well, you want the credit for this piece of turd, Jon…you got it! This film is directed by Jon Turteltaub. Maybe the third time will the charm?

(c) 2021 Berge Garabedian