Rating: 4 on 4 /
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Tag Line: Crime is a disease. Meet the Cure.
Directed by George P. Cosmatos
Starring Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen, Brian Thompson
THE PLAN: An unstoppable serial killer and a cult of axe-clashing psychos are on a murder spree, and only one man can stop them: Cobra!
THE KILL: COBRA is the ideal REEL ACTION vehicle, mainly due to it seamlessly fusing both the action and the slasher genre into one entertaining ride. COBRA’s awesomeness is not only because Stallone is at the top of his game, or because it features a cool car and a hot babe – it’s how all these elements are combined. Stallone outdoes himself here, as COBRA’s chalked full of classic one-liners, top-notch action sequences, a vicious villain, a hot damsel-in-distress, and a badass hero who’s so cool, he puts all other heroes to shame.
Brian Thompson plays the film’s utlra-scary villain, the Night Stalker, the leader of a cult that believes it’s their duty to kill the weak – for the good of the New World. Armed with a savage knife and wielding an axe from time to time, the Night Stalker is your basic slasher movie
serial killer, along the likes of Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers. What separates him from the other slashers is he doesn’t wear a mask, he has occasional bits of dialog (in a nightmarish voice), and he has a cult of psycho’s helping him along the way. The stalking scene at the hospital is especially slasher movie-esque, as he’s essentially Michael Myers in HALLOWEEN II.
The Night Stalker: one of the greatest action movie villains of all time.
Let’s not forget the babe factor! While Brigett Nielsen normally doesn’t do it for me, she is looking hotter than usual here, playing supermodel Ingrid who happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time — and only Cobra can protect her. Tall and blonde, she shows off her sexy side and is even able to seduce Cobra in the midst of chaos. Their on-screen chemistry shows on-screen — it’s no wonder the two were later married in real life.
What’s a Stallone action movie without cheesy 80s rock ballad montages? COBRA delivers in true form, with such classics as FEEL THE HEAT, and ANGEL OF THE CITY to groove along the way. Sure, these sequences fall in the ‘so bad it’s good’ category, but they contribute to COBRA’s overall coolness factor.
At its core, COBRA is a no-holds barred, full-force action movie. There’s no ‘waiting around’ for the action, no single-big action scene in the beginning and one at the end with nothing but fluff in between. The flick starts with action (the classic Grocery Store stand-off), and continues throughout, ending with the climatic steel-mill set piece. You want gun fights? Fist fights? Car chases? COBRA delivers it all with extreme brutal force, stacking up a body count of nearly 50 bad guys. One thing’s for sure, when Cobra shoots, he doesn’t miss… ever!
Finally, what it all boils down to at the end is Cobra (aka Marion Cobretti) himself. The man has style, sporting a wicked-cool pair of sunglasses (doesn’t matter if he’s inside or outside, he doesn’t leave home without em’), and a matchstick between his teeth. His choice of arsenal is exquisite, with an ivory handled handgun with a cobra silhouette on the grip, and one slick semi-automatic assault rifle. He drives a customized black 1950 Mercury equipped with racecar seat belts and NOS booster… before NOS was cool.
“You’re the disease, and I’m the cure.”
He’s a rogue cop along the likes of Dirty Harry, assigned to the Zombie Squad, getting the jobs done that no one else has the balls to do. He’s a man of action, a man who’s serious about ridding crime from society (with whatever he has), a man who’s badass — and has a sense of humor, spouting off enough one-liners to make even the biggest 80s action star blush — and a man who recognizes the value of drinking a beer, no mater the situation. Crime is a disease – meet the cure… with COBRA!
Trailer for COBRA
TOP DEATH: The security guard who happens to be at the wrong place at the wrong time – nothing like making a van/elevator/security guard sandwich to ruin your day!
TOP ACTION SCENE: The opening Grocery Store stand-off is classic, but I’m going to go have to go with the car chase sequence when Cobra flips a 180 degrees on the freeway, slams the car in reverse, fires his automatic weapon, blows up the enemy car on his tail, and spins the car back around to continue the chase at break-neck speed. That move blew my mind and had me howling for more.
The Ultimate Back-Seat Driver
TOP HOMOEROTIC MOMENT: Dare I say, there aren’t any? No shirtless Stallone montages, no shirtless man-on-man fight scene at the end – just straight up (clothed) manly action.
FEMALE EXPLOITATION: Three words: robot photo shoot. While Nielsen doesn’t show off the goods here, this (somewhat) pointless photo shoot montage with a bunch of goofy robots is the highlight of the adolescent boy that still exists inside.
TOP LINE/DIALOGUE:
Like Lays potato chips, I can’t pick just one – so here’s a few of my favs.
Cobra: (into the grocery store PA system) “Hey – Dirt Bag. You’re a lousy shot. I hate lousy shots. You wasted a kid for nothing – now I’m gonna waste you.”
Psycho: “I got a bomb here! I’ll blow this whole place up!”
Cobra: “Go ahead – I don’t shop here.”
Cobra: “I don’t deal with psychos. I put ’em away.”
Cobra: “This is where the law stops and I start – sucker!”
DRINKING GAME: When the overpowering 80s soundtrack dips into rock ballad montage, you have to drink… during the entire sequence. Be sure to start the movie with a full case – you’re gonna need it.
TRIVIA:
COBRA is based on the book ‘Fair Game’ by Paula Gosling – the same book the Cindy Crawford/ William Baldwin action flick FAIR GAME is based on.
Drink! Drink! Drink!
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