NOTE: This is a new column we’re doing here at Arrow in the Head – reviewing Syfy’s original movies, which air on most Saturday nights.
THE “COUGH COUGH” STORY: A satellite crashes down in a town seemingly populated by 10 people; two brothers, not knowing what else to do with it, sell it to the owner of a junkyard, who has a talent for creating junk sculptures. This is no ordinary satellite though; it carries with it an alien fungus (it’s also from Russia or something, the movie is frustratingly unclear on that). When the satellite fuses itself to the latest junkyard piece of art – a 17-foot-tall statue – it becomes a walking machine/trash effigy, which promptly goes about mindlessly attacking the town’s residents.
Have you met Optimus Prime’s crackhead cousin?
You’d think there’d be ample opportunity for “giant robot attacks” style mayhem, but no such opportunity presents itself: This machine only needs to touch a person to kill them, instantly infecting them with the alien virus and lapsing them into a dumbstruck shock. So our giant monster has the touch of death, thus doesn’t do anything awesome like smash a person to mush or even rip someone in half. Just kinda brushes up against them, that’s all. It can also be defeated by alcohol, so in the end we’re treated to the absurd sight of the survivors pouring the town’s liquor on smashed pieces of alien-infused metal. It’s all very, very depressing.
This guy’s death? Every death in the movie is like that...
ARE YOU SERIOUS: You can never be too sure how tongue-in-cheek one of these movies is going to play it. IRON INVADER, for the most part, chooses to take itself seriously. No goofy deaths here, no intentional overacting: this movie about a monster made out of garbage plays it straight. The lunacy of the channel’s more memorable efforts (namely the MEGA movies) is replaced by a personality-free, humdrum approach. I did mention that this is about an alien-possessed scrap metal robot, right?
MONSTER 411: Looking like the sorry love child of the mechanical monster in Richard Stanley’s HARDWARE and an anorexic Transformer, the Iron Invader isn’t a very intimidating force. As for the effects, they’re not terrible. For a few brief moments, the Iron Invader appears somewhat professionally realized. We’re talking two to three second shots here, but still… I’d chalk it up to the movie’s wise decision to play out mostly at night, which masks the inadequate rendering. Most of the dreadful effects in Syfy’s movies are usually quite apparent thanks to the action taking place in broad daylight. Note to the people who make these movies: nighttime is the way to go.
So…. this is awkward…
PAYCHECK ACTING: The only semi-recognizable face here is Nicole de Boer, whom trekkies will recognize as “Ezra Dax” from “Deep Space Nine”. (She was also in USA’s “Dead Zone” series.) Playing the necessary role of the biologist who puts together everything that’s going on and has to explain it to the slack-jawed townies, de Boer more or less maintains her dignity by not being as laughable as her co-stars and the situation she’s in. Said co-stars are comprised of instantly forgettable Canadians (although most are vets of Syfy TV seres) who are relegated to playing characters dumber than sticks. A deadly combination, but no one hams it up too ridiculously.
RIP OFF QUOTA: Although an equally forgettable movie, the basic idea of an alien virus taking over a hunk of metal and wreaking havoc was put to use in 1999’s Jamie Lee Curtis-starrer VIRUS. The machine in that ultimately ended up creating all sorts of little robot pals to assist it in wiping out a crew of B-movie actors, while in IRON INVADER the monster just sort of gets blown apart at one point, subsequently having to rely on its shredded remains to feebly crawl around, while the townsfolk have holed up in a bar. In that regard, it ends up being sort of a TREMORS knock-off.
When you’re ripping off THIS movie (VIRUS). Well, that’s your first mistake…
HOE DOWN: Nicole de Boer doesn’t get to show off much more than her admirable ability to maintain a stern look of concern amid the idiocy; the only other notable female is Merritt Patterson’s panicky “Claire”, and as this is filmed in the wilds of British Columbia, she gets no opportunity to jump into a bikini (oftentimes a prerequisite in an original Syfy).
Nicole de BORE is more like it!!! (Sorry, that wasn’t nice.)
WRAP UP: As a shameless fan of Syfy’s original movies, it’s with a heavy heart that I must report IRON INVADER is neither good nor so-bad-it’s-good (and really, we’re only ever hoping for the latter). A schlocky idea with potential for maximum silliness, this one ends up being as junky and lumbering as its goofy villain.
RATING: 1 out of 4
SO BAD IT’S GOOD RATING: 1/2 out of 4
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