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IT'S THE BOOZE TALKIN': A Beetlejuice 2? Seriously?

09.13.2011by: Ammon Gilbert

I was around 9 or 10 years old when BEETLEJUICE came out and I remember thinking it was the funniest f*cking movie I had ever seen. Not only was it hilarious and gave me and my buddies plenty of lines to spit off to each other on a fairly regular basis (“Nice f*cking model!” *honk*honk* was by far our favorite), but it was also damn solid movie with a great soundtrack, great effects, and great performances by just about everyone in it. Hell, it even had a song and dance number featuring ghosts and dead stuff. BEETLEJUICE was the shit… and yet the idea of cranking out a BEETLEJUICE 2 (as such earlier reports have suggested) is absolutely ridiculous. Seriously, what the f*ck are these people thinking???

Of course, when something like BEETLEJUICE 2 is announced, there’s usually an underlying thread that states that it’s not really a sequel but more like a reboot or re-imagining or an update to the original. Of which, of course, I say F*CK THAT! If I had to choose the lesser of all these evils, it’d definitely be the sequel, but holy hell, all of this seems like a horrendously horrible idea. Now if Tim Burton decided to come back and direct it, and somehow managed to get Geena Davis, Alec Baldwin, Winona Ryder, and (most importantly) Michael Keaton to come back and reprise all of their respective rolls, I might be ok with this idea, but since none of the original players are involved (which screams remake, not sequel), then I F*CK THAT!

There’s something about the innocence yet absolute horrific absurdity about BEETLEJUICE that could have only come from the ‘80s and would never be able to replicate here in the 2000s. Plus, the special effects had such a genuine and organic feel to them back in the day that would be assf*cked over by CGI now. Sure, they’d be able do a whole helluva lot more with the effects now, but there was something about watching Baldwin pull his face out to a point or Davis opening her mouth so big she popped her eyeballs in her throat to see that really made the film a that more enjoyable experience. And now these dudes want to come and do it over again? A hells nah!

I’ve been on the soapbox complaining about remakes more times than I’d like to count but something about the idea of remaking/rebooting/sequeling BEETLEJUICE really ticks me off. Maybe because the film is such an icon to the horror community, to the community of Burton fans, or the community of people who like original movies. And maybe that’s the most f*cked up thing about this whole idea: when BEETLEJUICE came out, it was about as original of a movie as anyone could get. A “ghost with the most” is hired by dead people to scare the people who bought their house after they’ve died” is something you didn’t see then and it’s something you don’t see now, and it’s that Burton originality that people were drawn to. And now these f*ckin’ guys want to swoop in here and reboot it? Taking away any ounce of original street cred it had going for it and standing in line behind all of the other weaksauce ‘80s remakes that have come out and totally bombed (yeah FRIGHT NIGHT, I’m talkin’ to you!).

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but f*ck this BEETLEJUICE 2 news right in its shrunken headed earhole! Don’t try to recreate the genius of Burton and Keaton as I can pretty guarantee it being an absolute failure and just about the worse idea ever. There’s no need for it, there’s no use for it, and whatever reboot/remake/sequel idea they have will never be able to match or live up to the original, so why even try? Hell, I doubt it’d match up to the goddamn Saturday morning cartoon spin-off that was popular for a few years. If they were gonna do a sequel, they would have done it back then, but seeing as they didn’t, even the suites back in the day knew well enough to leave the damn thing alone and let it stand as something other horror comedies should live up to.

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