Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Julia Roberts!

Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Julia Roberts!

January 15th 2013, 11:54am

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood

writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a

Movie Jail

trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and

Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the

defendant

is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking

shithouse.

The

Defendant

Julia Roberts

The

Case

The Prosecution: Larry Crowne, Valentine’s Day, Oceans 11 and 12, America’s Sweethearts, The Mexican, Full Frontal*

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, we haven’t featured an actress in this new year, so what better time to introduce our newest defendant

than now. She’s been mentioned in the Strike Backs time and time again, and after going over her case, we’re hoping the jury will convict Academy Award

winner Julia Roberts. Yes, Academy Award winner. Remember that? Because we barely do. Let’s just pick up this case from 2000, when she won the coveted

Oscar for Erin Brockovich and followed that up with the lackluster The Mexican. The next few years were hit and miss with bombs like Full

Frontal and American Sweethearts, and while the Oceans movies may look fun, Ms. Roberts is basically relegated to the “girl” role, which

she plays with all the energy of a broken toe nail. She hasn’t had a fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes since 2009’s Duplicity which we also

found her to be incredibly flat in, even if the movie wasn’t terrible. It’s time we lock up Madame Roberts for inconsistency in choosing quality roles over

the last few years, maybe that will light a fire under her ass and get her into gear.

The Defense: Charlie Wilson’s War, Closer, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Mona Lisa Smile, Erin Brockovich*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, there’s only been ONE Academy Award winner, male or female, that’s been brought to trial that you’ve found

guilty: Halle Berry. Are we saying that Ms. Roberts is on the same level

as Ms. Berry? It’s not even close. Have the past few years not been kind to Ms. Roberts? Possibly, but if we’re going by the movies she’s made since 2000,

the defense doesn’t see it as lopsided as the prosecution is making it out to be. She absolutely deserved the Oscar for Erin Brockovich and she was

solid in Closer, a movie that wouldn’t typically be in her wheelhouse with all its lurid sexual content. And was she really that bad in the

Oceans movies? What other actress could play opposite George Clooney and make it believable? And Brad Pitt’s not an answer. We don’t need to throw

Ms. Roberts in Movie Jail, but we will agree she’s teetering on that fine line. Let’s give her another couple of movies before convicting and

sentencing her.

Also, full disclosure, Mona Lisa Smile totally got me laid. So that’s why it’s on the defense.

CLOSING…

So, what’s to be done with Julia Roberts? Is it time we put her on notice for having a few bad years? Has she squandered whatever good mojo

she received after receiving the Academy Award?

And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Julia Roberts GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so

relax.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR

NOT?

LAST WEEK’S

VERDICT

It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Marlon Wayans

GUILTY of all charges. Like really, really guilty. With the exception of a handful of jurors, it was an across the board guilty verdict for Mr.

Wayans. Sentencing ranged from The Hole to the electric chair, but we’re going to go with a stiff life sentence with a possibility of parole when Mr. Wayans

can no longer speak or write.

PREVIOUS

VERDICTS

GUILTY

NOT GUILTY

Adam

Eddie

Vince