UPDATE: As if this really needs an update, one of our readers, Christian contacted Boll who said the rumor was “nonsense”. Well of course, but don’t you want to see that kid from GOOD BURGER play METROID? It was our good laugh of the day.
Best way to start this off is by a quote from JoBlo himself. When I opened my email, right above the news link it simply said:
“For fuck’s sakes…”
While it is a rumor, it’s a rumor of hilarious, epic disaster.
It’s going around that Jessica Simpson will take on the role of Samus Aran for a METROID movie directed by Uwe Boll. That’s right. Jessica Simpson and Uwe Boll.
METROID is a game that was originally released by Nintendo in 1986. The hero was blonde bounty hunter, Samus Aran. Later spawning the popular, METROID PRIME series.
It might be a rumor, but I can totally see Boll cooking this shit up. I also think that Simpson would take this in a heartbeat. That way after the movie came out her Dad could make inappropriate comments about how “big and healthy” his Daughter’s boobs are.
Here’s the original rumor that was sent in. It made me laugh my ass off:
“Actress Jessica Simpson is rumored to have secured the role of Space Bounty Hunter Samus Aran in a Hollywood version of a Nintendo game. In the game, Metroid, the hero controls Samus on her goal to rid the world of energy sucking beasts called Metroids. Think of it as a cross between Aliens and Dracula.”
“Simpson is excited to restart her movie career and is reportedly taking part in the selection of Samus’ love interest. Simpson’s publicists has also confirmed that she will be contributing to the plot. “Ms Simpson feels the plot is too complex and would like to move the plot closer to it’s core story of love and adventure.”
The movie, rumored to be directed by famed director Uwe Boll will feature a wise cracking ethnic METROID played by the fat kid from GOOD BURGER.”
While it’s likely a joke, I’d love to see what the trailer would look like.
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