Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Lawrence Kasdan

Thomas Jane/Henry
Jason Lee/Beaver
Damien Lewis/Jones
Timothy Olyphant/Pete
6 10
Four psychic friends hook up for their annual winter male bonding, beer-guzzling party in a Maine cabin in the woods. But the shin dig is interrupted when weirdoes, aliens that come out of asses and the military drop by without bringing the freakin\' dip! How’s that for a party crasher?
I haven’t read the Stephen King book on which this film is based, but if King really stopped downing “fire water” I want to know what his new poison is! Give me some that stuff in double dose!

Where do I begin with this nutty multiple personality horror whore? Yes, for once the term “whore” applies with weight in one of my reviews because this tramp fornicated with everybody on the block. Who? Well, try: “Stand by Me”, \"The Dead Zone”, “The Shining”, “Alien”, “Tremors”, “Outbreak\", \"The Tommyknockers\", my Aunt, my pillow and my little dog “Jacynthe” too! You know what kind of baby she spat out after that hefty gang bang? This one and yes, it\'s one brewsky short of a six-pack in terms of sanity.

Sitting snuggly in my seat, I didn’t see this tweaker coming. I was expecting an intimate horror film a la Carpenter’s \"The Thing”. I mean, the story was heading that way with its emphasis on build-up and eerie atmosphere, the focus on its main characters and the gorgeous snowy location backing it all up with class. Up to that point, “flatulence” and witty “Kevin Smith”-like testosterone dialogue aside (Jason Lee, did you polish that script?), I thought I was in for a claustrophobic and mature horror dish. To my HUGE surprise, the film went “postal” on my brain cells out of the freakin\' blue and wound up pissing all over the place, marking its territory like it was mating season and turned into a hybrid of 50 different movies jammed into one.

Exciting helicopter action scenes surfaced out of left field, thrilling scares kicked in, aliens started coming out of peep’s asses, while winks to other horror films (I dug the Ripley one) and a hilarious alien being with a British accent (yes, that was enough to make me laugh) also hopped on stage. WHAT MOVIE WAS I WATCHING AGAIN? Add to that, a rabid Morgan Freeman (Kurtz) looking like R. Lee Ermey and eating that scenery like Miss Pacman on a power pellet and you get a schizophrenic blend of \"War of the Worlds\" and \"Species 2\" with a penchant for toilet humor. And you know what, hombres? IT WAS A HOOT!! Not smart, not good screenwriting, not competent storytelling…CHEAP, STUPID, ODD and WACKY F-U-N. The comedy had me rolling in the aisles like a fruit roll-up, the action was enthralling and the tension was laid on thick. YEE-HAW!

Now I didn’t care for the awkward flashbacks, the Duddit’s subplot (cheesy), the occasional corny line and some of the BC Theatre acting in the house, but I was able to let that shite go. The first REAL muck up was that the film’s “fun times” tap dance on my melon had a price and that was totally losing its grasp on the characters and the more human investment I had in the picture. It’s too bad because I was warming up to these moochachos and really dug hanging with them. Timothy Olyphant (Pete), in particular, was smashing and his drunken scene in the snow was priceless. Worst of all though, this baby ran out of Viagra for its last act (which I hear was way different from the book) with the momentum and the energy toning down, the plot turns becoming boring and the TACKY payoff smelling like Power Rangers leftovers. Did they lose the story along the way? Did they know where to go or how to end it all? It didn’t seem like they did. In my book, when the scene transitions suddenly become side swipes (a la \"Star Wars\") an hour and a half into the movie, you know that SOMEBODY got lazy on the job.

In the end, the fart jokes (always funny to me) and the anal nesting aliens pretty much hinted that this was supposed to be a \"comedy\" and it succeeded in that respect! Sure, the serious and more striking scenes of the movie made me wonder how good it could’ve been if it would’ve went that way full blast, but what can you do? Somebody went hogwild on the Bacardi, so this is what we got in its entire zany, childish and gory glory. Dream catch this if you can!
We get some red grub with chewed off fingers, nasty creature bites and creatures coming out of one’s anal orifice. Enough gore to quench the blood lust.
Almost everybody here either played themselves or a past role. Thomas Jane (Henry) played it down and gave an endearing show. Jason Lee (Beaver) played Jason Lee again and we love him for it. Damien Lewis (Jones) did fine, loved the accent! Tom Sizemore (Owen) played himself again and we’ll thank him too. Timothy Olyphant (Pete) stole the show with his charismatic performance. Morgan Freeman (Kurtz) played Morgan Freeman again, but angry. I LOVED IT! Donnie Walhberg (Duddits) played his part from \"The Sixth Sense\", but with less brain cells. Andrew Robb (Young Duddits) was cute as the human E.T. type of character. Phone home, buddy?
T & A
It\'s ladies\' and boys’ night with a creature that looks like a penis and has a vagina-esque mouth. Tissues, anyone?
The first half hour had Kasdan injecting all kinds of dread-filled mood via spooky shots into the piece, as well as a good use of the snowy surroundings. All that went out the window though when the story took on a life of its own and decided to run that way instead of this way. Kasdan lost his eye in the process and served the action like a midget slave on a fantasy island. Having said that, Kasdan handled his suspenseful scenes like a champ and had me by the balls more than once.
The score by John Newton Howard was incredibly chilling (I want it!) and I especially loved the opening theme song. We also get some Roy Orbison ditty!
While watching this horror stew, the critic sitting next to me kept groaning; he was NOT enjoying himself (or was jerking off?). With its choppy narrative, lack of direction, its 134-minute running time and convoluted plot (which I did manage to make sense of) I can see how the masses would spit a fat loogey on this one. But being the dumbass that I am; I managed to milk some enjoyment out of this nutball. Was it disjointed? Yes. Unfocused? Yes. Did it throw too much at us? Fuck, yes! Was it insane, idiotic and entertaining? YOU BET! I would recommend this one for a horror “chicha” house party. It’s a rowdy “so bad, it\'s good” or “so good, it\'s beyond me” flick that even goes as far as to give us a lazy last half hour that can be useful for that oh-so special “touchy feely” time with your neighbor. It\'s one way to look at it; you gotta think positive!
This movie was shot in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.

Stay tuned after the film for an installment of \"The Animatrix\" entitled “Final Flight of the Osiris” which acts as a CGI-animated prelude to the upcoming WB flick “Matrix Reloaded. The short was well done animation wise (great ass on that chick), the action was the money (loved that girl’s dive from the skyscraper) but having seen \"The Matrix\", there was nothing original about it. It’s worth a peek though.