It’s that time of year again folks…and as always, leave it up to AITH to bring your ass a little yuletide-terror. Now, there’s many a worthy film in the expansive canon of Christmastime horror, so this year we thought it’d be fun to examine a specific sub-genre. However, we ain’t talking about slaughtering snowmen (JACK FROST), or psychopathic gingerbread men…nah, fuck all that! We’re not even all that interested in sleepy roadside spooksters (DEAD END, WIND CHILL) or cryptic acts of sororicide (BLACK X-MAS). Nope, ladies and gentleman…this time we’re all about Sadistic Santas! Think about it. Is there a more universally beloved fictional character so perfectly ripe for horrific subversion? To morph a jolly, portly, philanthropic old man into a maniacal murder…flipping the entire mythology…a mythology largely predicated on the innocent participation of children…well, that shite’s just downright disturbing. So, under the tree below…you’ll find our Top Ten most Sadistic Santas neatly gift-wrapped. Enjoy!
WARNING: MINOR TO MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW!
#10. Rare Exports (2010)
It’s no coincidence our #10 spot goes to the most recent film release. Why? There simply hasn’t been enough time for the Finnish mash-up RARE EXPORTS: A CHRISTMAS TALE to truly win the masses over. I know our man E-to-the-Dub found it rather underwhelming, but since there’s such a dearth of cruel cinematic Santas, why not give it a mention. If you’re unfamiliar with the setup, the film supposes Kris Kringle as a real entity…but not the one we all know and love. He’s not the chipper old coot hoofing down milk and cookies, far from it. Dude’s actually posited as being into kiddie snatching, fortunately for us, not in a Jonbenet Ramsey mien. Unfortunately, since this isn’t a balls-out horror flick (a motif you’ll find on this list), Santa ain’t committing a whole lot of onscreen carnage either (Hint: Elves are helpers for a reason). That being said, RARE EXPORTS does a decent job of deconstructing the Santa Claus legend and suggesting something a bit more sinister.
#9. A Christmas Story (1983)
Buy A CHRISTMAS STORY on DVD here
It’s always fun to dose our list with a little levity, and since we couldn’t find a way to mix Bob Clark’s BLACK CHRISTMAS into the fold…what better way to throw a tip of the cap to the late great Canadian filmmaker than by showing some love to his other, diametrically opposed Christmas yarn? Of course, I’m talking about A CHRISTMAS STORY, a masterful film you can see on a continuous 48-hour loop on TNT (or TBS) come the 24th of every December. And while this is no horror thread, how can anyone forget how miserably detached the Mall Santa Claus is in the film? You know the scene…Ralphie finally gets a chance to visit the old white beard and tell him what he wants for Christmas…and the dude playing Santa couldn’t be less enthused. In fact, he spouts one of my all time favorite lines in a film. In between snot-nosed tykes getting lifted on and off his lap, he turns to an Elf helper and quips “Uh, I hate the smell of tapioca.” Ask Ralphie how terrifying that red-nose bastard is…
#8. Santa Claus (1959)
Easily the most inferior film on our list, is also the most outlandish. Not sure how many of you have seen or heard of a Mexican film from 1959 called, you guessed it, SANTA CLAUS…but wow, this is the most bizarre, creepy Christmastime flicks I may have ever laid eyes on. The kicker? It’s not even a horror film proper. Instead, it’s a no-budget cheapie about Santa Claus teaming with Merlin the magician (yes, really) to defeat the evil doings of Satan, or more specifically, Satan’s henchman, a ghoulish devil named Pitch. More befuddled when watching a film I’ve rarely been. The production values are so embarrassingly low-rent, the acting amateurish to say the least, the content of the story so far out there…completely contradictory to any of the historical teachings of all involved (again, Santa with Merlin to stop Satan???) Make no mistake, this is an awful film…but as far as twisted representations of good ol’ Saint Nick are concerned, SANTA CLAUS deserves a mention.
#7. And All Through the House (“Tales From The Crypt,” 1989)
Buy “Tales From The Crypt” Season 1 on DVD here
In only the second overall episode from HBO’s beloved anthological horror show, “Tales From the Crypt,” Bob-BACK TO THE FUTURE-Zemeckis lends a pitch perfect recreation of the program’s cinematic precursor (stay tuned) in a stint aptly titled “All Through the House.” Written by genre stalwart Fred Dekker (NIGHT OF THE CREEPS, MONSTER SQUAD), this half-hour television episode packs more of a wallop than a lot of feature films…even ones included on this list. If you missed this episode, it’s really worth seeking out. When an adulterous woman’s ill-timed decision to murder her husband results in her having to fend off a murderous Santa…by her lonesome…a wonderfully intense game of cat-and-mouse unfolds. Zemeckis brings the scenario to life through his touchstone visual flare…stripping down all superfluous plot-points to tell the quickest, most effective story. And damn, that Santa has one f*cked up grill!
#6. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 (1987)
Buy SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2 on DVD here
In what could easily be cast aside as another needless sequel in a third rate horror franchise, Lee Harry’s SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 2 is actually a pretty watchable piece of B-movie dross. The film overall isn’t particularly notable, but how the hell can you forget Ricky – Billy’s vengeful brother from the original – as he stands in the middle of a suburban block, wearing a blue Cosby sweater and Mannequin hair…spouting “GARBAGE DAY” as a he blasts the hell out of a neighbor taking out the trash (if you have forgotten, relive that shite HERE). Shot in only ten days, producers really wanted Lee Harry to recut the film, adding in a few scenes of Eric in the mental asylum, thereby capitulating the entire first film as mere ravings from a mad inmate. That explains why the film is so fraught with flashbacks to the original, there simply wasn’t enough material to fill a feature length film sequel. Not buying it? If you get a chance, notice how long the final credit sequence is…
STAY TUNED FOR PART 2!
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