So, if you absolutely, positively have to die on All Hallows Eve, what’s the best way to go? Now I’m not counting peacefully in your sleep or while banging a supermodel as answers because we’re looking for options that are seasonally appropriate AND within the realm of possibility.
What makes the grade is the kinda death that makes up for how much it sucks that it happened at all, by creating a “Holy shite that’s kinda cool” reaction when people see you died of that on or about October 31st.
And I’d love to hear how you want to go out if it has to happen this time of year!
1. F#ck A Psycho
We’ve all been on that edge at some point. Drunk, or horny, or just plain stupid enough to almost get it on with that chick that we know is a little too bent even for our low personal standards. The one who slashes ex-boyfriends tires, likes to bite a bit too hard, and thinks that holding a knife to your genitals is foreplay. Yeah, she’s super hot, which is why dudes coddled her enough to let her get this far out of bounds, but the plain fact is you cannot sleep with this girl. If you do, you’re done. But it’s hard to argue with any death that comes about as a result of some really hot sex, and that you definitely got before the end.
2. Hacked/Slashed To Death
We live in a world where a lot of people have serious problems. Some of those problems involve the desire to kill lots of people. So while the Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees myths are unlikely to occur, we do see the opportunity to catch some sort of nasty blade induced death in just about any part of the world. The only caveat to this is that some gangs have started macheting people. That’s a real bummer for the machete, because honestly, who wants to die from a lousy gang hit?
3. Eaten By A Monster
Some of you didn’t even blink, some of you immediately thought, “But there are no monsters.” No matter how you come down on the legitimacy of werewolves, vampires and the like, there are still plenty of real world monsters that will happily turn your bony ass into a buffet. Alligators, sharks, lions, komodo dragons (that’s right – dragon), pythons, etc. If you don’t consider there monsters, then you’re either too hard-core or too stupid for me to argue with. These might be tough deaths to happen upon, but if you do, what a great epitaph!
4. Spend The Night In A Haunted House
OK. so you most probably die through this experience by falling through rotten floor boards, or stepping on a rusty nail and getting tetanus. But you still technically died as the result of visiting a haunted house which is admittedly fairly cool. Pretty much any old, scary, abandoned property (i.e. haunted) is a walking death trap. So if you want to have a great story for others to tell at your funeral, other than how your lame ass idea about scaring your chick into sleeping with you didn’t work, this option has a lot of merit.
5. Perform A Satanic Rite
This is a fun one, because quite frankly, if you’re enough of a jackass to be out performing Satanic rites, you’re pretty likely to get yourself killed earlier than the average bear anyway – and in a Darwin Award winning kinda way. So why not go out with some sort of flaming pentagram, sacrificial chicken, hooded society stunt. Of course if you really do manage to summon the Dark One or some of his managers, then we’ve got Hellraiser and plenty others to help us decipher what happened to you by what’s left of your body.
6. Play Ouija
Don’t let the fact that Parker Brothers released a Ouija board make you any less open to this subtle and creepy way to go. The most direct manner is the standard scared to death line, and ties specifically into a very non-standard story my mother told me about her own experience with a Ouija board. It should be noted this is the most down-to-earth, logical, reasonable woman I’ve ever met. The story was simple, “It worked, and it knew things no one could have known. Besides, it didn’t matter – I was alone.” It was clear to me that it was not a positive experience. Had she been less sensible, who knows, the Ouija just might have been the end of her.
7. Burn To Death
With its solid connection to the Salem Witch trials, death by fire is a totally legit way to kick the bucket this hallowed season. Luckily it’s not nearly as tough to pull off as you might think. Copious amounts of alcohol and drugs, mixed with lots of smoking and impaired judgment sets up all sorts of opportunities. Women have a slight advantage since they’re more likely to have long hair (an excellent kindling substitute), but any one with enough clumsiness and bad luck can stumble into this demise.
8. Razor In An Apple
Truthfully this should have been bleed to death, but the RIA legend has been around so long, and is so awesome that it deserves its own mention. Is it possible that someone could even die from this? The evidence makes it seem unlikely, since it has been tried (along with other sharp implements), and rarely has anything but a minor injury ensued. To some degree that would make a death from it all the more notable. You’d personally fulfill an urban legend. Live to dream compadres.
9. Hanged
There’re a lot of ways for this violent choke to go down, and mis-handled erotic asphyxiation does count as long as your partner is also wearing some type of fetish gear. Otherwise, no go. The other, more common way to get there is a good ole fashioned prank malfunction. You want to scare the shite out of your friends so you set up a fake hangin’ scene featuring you as the star. One oops later and you’ve made the list!
10. Run Over By A Car
I think it’s a given that just a regular old drunken tragedy won’t suffice here. We need a legit, honest-to-God demonic possession of an automobile. Or at least some asshole who’s so high/buzzed that they believe themselves to be under the influence of the devil or one of his minions. It’s lot of stipulations which is why it’s so low on the list.
