Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Roland Emmerich!

Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Roland Emmerich!

November 12th 2012, 12:20pm

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood

writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a

Movie Jail

trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and

Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the

defendant

is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking

shithouse.

The

Defendant

Roland Emmerich

The

Case

The Prosecution: 2012, 10,000 BC, The Day After Tomorrow, Godzilla, Independence Day*

It’s that time again where we throw another director on the stand. Right now, we’re at 3 a piece for directors in Movie Jail and those

walking free, and what better tie breaker than Mr. Roland Emmerich. As far as we can tell, if there’s one thing that Mr. Emmerich loves more than storylines

that go nowhere and embarrassing dialogue, it’s beating up Earth. But why? It’s nature, bitches love nature and shit. Now, Mr. Emmerich doesn’t have as

long a resume as some of our previous directors, but those films that are part of the prosecution’s evidence are just awful. We know a lot of you love ID4,

as we did when it first came out, but the years have not been kind to it. Seriously, watch it again. It has all the Emmerich staples: horribly written

dialogue, cheesy, over the top characters, and weak sauce scenarios so unbelievable, even for Hollywood, that it makes our faces bleed. Remember in The

Day After Tomorrow when Dennis Quaid’s all “Fuck it, let’s walk from Philly to New York City in a blizzard, should take us a half hour.”? And then the

wolves played hide and seek with the survivors? Yeah, we wish we didn’t remember that. We haven’t seen Anonymous just yet, but we’re thinking

Shakespear walks outside for a leisurely stroll and gets punched in the mouth by a hurricane.

The Day After Tomorrow aka When Earth had enough of the Statue of Liberty’s shit.

The Defense: Stargate, Universal Soldier, The Patriot*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, we’ve been down this road with the likes of Michael Bay: a director who makes big budget, action films for a

specific audience. These people know what they’re getting with a Roland Emmerich film and from what we can tell, his audience seems okay with the finished

product. So where’s the crime in creating a visually appealing big budget disaster movie like Independence Day or 2012? If there’s a place in

the movie going world for things like Twilight or Sex & the City films, why can’t these exist? And by Chris Bumbray’s favorable review of Anonymous, it looks like Mr. Emmerich is switching things up by

scaling back and trying his hand at more dramatic fare (he has another film to be released in 2013 called White House Down starring Tanning Chatum and

Jaime Foxx). If the positive reviews of Anonymous are any indication of where Mr. Emmerich’s career is headed, why don’t we take some time to see how

it plays out before throwing him in the slammer?

2012 aka John Cusack drives a limo through the end of the world

CLOSING…

So, what’s to be done with Mr. Roland Emmerich? Is his style of action/disaster movies really all that bad? Or are they so bad that

he needs to be stopped immediately? And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Roland Emmerich GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so

relax.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR

NOT?

LAST WEEK’S

VERDICT

It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Kristen Stewart

NOT GUILTY of all charges. Early on, the jury made it clear that KStew is still a young up and comer with potential to have a solid career as

a Hollywood A-lister. Even though she’s free, the jury has suggested that she be put on a 5 year or 3 movie probation to see how the next few steps in her

career develop.

PREVIOUS VERDICTS

GUILTY

NOT GUILTY

Adam