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Face-Off: Jason Voorhees Vs. Michael Myers

01.23.2012by: Mike Catalano

Here it is, my friends! The battle between the two greatest iconic slashers that basically started it all! I know we got FREDDY VS. JASON, but come on! What we all should have been treated to was MICHAEL VS. JASON! Now, thanks to your horror homies at AITH, we can all get the chance to see how this epic, albeit imaginary, battle would stack up!

Strength
There must have been a Gold's Gym at the bottom of Camp Crystal Lake because once young Jason decided to resurface, he was showcasing all kinds of superhuman strength. Whether it was squeezing a victim's head till his eyes popped out or punching a poor soul's noggin clean off, Mr. Voorhees certainly brought the muscle.
Apparently, Smith's Grove Sanitarium provided its patients with a fine athletic facility as well because once Michael decided to bust out, he was prepared to unleash all kinds of physical domination. From impaling victims into walls with a single stroke to casually crashing through plate glass doors, Mr. Myers was no trick in terms of might.
Mask
Although he didn't don his iconic goalie moniker until the third installment, how many of you hear the words "hockey mask" and don't think of the name Jason? The red accents up top and on the sides only serve as sadistic reminders of the blood our boy's most likely to spill. Plus, the fact that the open back gives us a sneak peek at the deformity of what is underneath only adds to the apprehension.
Who the f*ck ever thought that a William Shatner mask painted white with the eye holes cut out a little bit more would equate to the most terrifying visage ever committed to celluloid?! Well, that person deserves a friggin' Academy Award. A prime example of the term "less is more", Mr. Myers's pale disguise with the wavy 'do up top exemplifies the epitome of dread. Such a plain, expressionless look to take in... while you're being brutally stabbed to death!
Motive
Instead of watching over him during swim time, the teenage Crystal Lake camp counselors were off committing lewd acts. What's a drowned camper to do? Telepathically call on mommy and have her start offing any other teenagers that return to the camp to get down with the sex stuff. And if mommy loses her head? You come back to life and carry on the counselor kill-a-thon (even if they go to Manhattan).
Your slutty older sister chooses sex with her boyfriend over taking care of you on Halloween. You're an impressionable youth, so how the f*ck else are you supposed to digest this complete disregard for babysitting morals? You off said sis and develop a violent disregard for all things relating to family and babysitting. Sure, Jason is one cold-blooded mother-f*cker, but he never killed off a fellow Voorhees.
Weapon
A long, sharp machete is a pretty tough tool of death to top. You can stab it, swing it, or throw it and almost always connect with some piece of flesh. Nearly a guaranteed dismemberment every time!
The classic kitchen/butcher knife is a personal favorite of mine. Nothing says horror like a shiny, shark fin-shaped blade in your hand. It's lightweight and pretty easy to conceal before the stabbing and slashing is unleashed.
Public Speaking
F*ck this shit. It's clearly a tie.
Ditto
Date of the Year
How unlucky could a group of campers be?! To get stuck facing off against a psycho on the weekend of Friday the 13th! Not to mention the fact that it's Jason's birthday (at least in the first one), so perhaps the pile-up of bodies could be considered a sweet, sick b-day present. Bonus points for it being a Friday because, come on, who doesn't love Fridays?!
But how can any other day top the one that all horror fans, young and old, look forward to each year?! The one date that allows us to dress in creepy costumes and scare the crap out of each other October 31st! Plus, if you're into killing folks, there is no better time to blend in with the crowd while your carnage kicks in.
Michael Myers
And who's the big winner? Mikey, that's who! Mikey wins! Yes, it appears that our king of iconic slashers has been crowned and Dr. Loomis couldn't be more proud. And now that AITH has proclaimed Michael Myers number one, what is YOUR opinion on the matter? Were we right in stabbing Mr. Myers at the top of the kitchen door? Or should we be drowned for our sin of relegating Mr. Voorhees to the number two position? Please, let us know whether you disagree or agree with our verdict by spitting those bullets below!
Tags: Face-Off

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