This Friday, BAD MOMS looks to be a welcome addition to the growing list of female-driven R-rated comedies, so we thought it might be fun to look at a couple classic tales of good girls gone bad. HEATHERS was a box office failure in 1989 before it went on to become a cult classic, while MEAN GIRLS had a very solid opening in 2004 and has continued to grow its audience since. Okay, enough word vomit, you skeezes and Swatch dogs, let's get this croquet match started.
Lisanne Falk as Heather McNamara
Kim Walker as Heather Chandler
For a movie called HEATHERS, the Heathers take a backseat to Veronica and J.D.'s antics. Heather Chandler eats it pretty early, Heather McNamara doesn't get a lot to do, and Heather Duke only becomes a major player in the final act of the film.
Lacey Chabert as Gretchen Wieners
Amanda Seyfried as Karen Smith
The plastics are terrifying. With Regina George as the vindictive cliquetator, Gretchen Wieners as the desperately loyal puppy dog, and Karen Smith as the token airhead, all three characters are unique and bring something different to the table.
Penelope Milford as Pauline Fleming
Jennifer Rhodes as Mrs. Sawyer
William Cort as Mr. Sawyer
Carrie Lynn as Martha "Dumptruck" Dunnstock
Patrick Labyorteaux as Ram Sweeney
Lance Fenton as Kurt Kelly
Glenn Shadix as Father Ripper
There's plenty to like about HEATHERS, but the plot itself, in both its brazenness and poignancy, is really what makes it stand out in a sea of 1980's high school comedies.
MEAN GIRLS plays like a prequel to HEATHERS in that we get to see how the regular nice girl turns into a malicious shrew. For a movie that took inspiration from the cult classic and came out 15 years later, though, the stakes are pretty low here, with hurt feelings being the only real consequence to anyone's actions (with the exception of Regina not looking both ways before crossing Cady, of course).
"No, Heather, it's Heather's turn. Heather?"
"Greetings and salutations... you a Heather?"
"No, I'm a Veronica."
"If you were happy every day of your life you wouldn't be a human being. You'd be a game-show host."
"Well, f*ck me gently with a chainsaw."
"Veronica, you look like hell."
"Yeah? I just got back."
"Betty Finn was a true friend and I sold her out for a bunch of Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads. Killing Heather would be like offing the wicked witch of the west... wait east. West! God! I sound like a f*cking psycho."
"You want to f*ck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly."
"Ugh... such a pillowcase."
"The extreme always seems to make an impression."
"I just killed my best friend."
"And your worst enemy."
"Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count."
"It's one thing to want someone out of your life, but it's another thing to serve them a wake-up cup full of liquid drainer."
"Great pate, mom, but I gotta motor if I wanna be ready for that funeral."
"I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad every time I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah."
"Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make."
"If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you?"
"Heather, why can't you just be a friend? Why do you have to be such a mega-bitch?"
"Because I can be."
"Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town."
"Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?"
"I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide."
"Excuse me, I think I know Heather a little bit better than you do. If she were going to slit her wrists, the knife would be spotless."
"What's the up-chuck factor on that?"
"Suicide gave Heather depth, Kurt a soul, and Ram a brain. I don't know what it's given me, but I have no control over myself when I'm with J.D. Are we going to prom or to hell?"
"You're not a rebel; you're f*cking psychotic!"
"I can't believe you did it. I was teasing. I loved you. Course, I was coming up here to kill ya..."
"The only place different social types can genuinely get along with each other is in heaven."
"You know what I want? Cool guys like you out of my life."
"I got divorced."
"Oh. My carpal tunnel came back."
"Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white."
"I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee."
"Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?"
"Your mom's chest hair!"
"Beware of plastics."
"Is your muffin buttered?"
"On Wednesdays we wear pink!"
"That is so fetch!"
"Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers."
"What? He's a good kisser."
"He's your cousin."
"Yeah, but he's my first cousin."
"Evil takes a human form in Regina George."
"One time she punched me in the face... it was awesome."
"Grool... I meant to say cool and then I started to say great."
"Why are you dressed so scary?"
"Is butter a carb?"
"Cold, Shiny, Hard, PLASTIC."
"Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs."
"Well, this has been sufficiently awkward."
"I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. Right, Regina?"
"Please stop talking."
"Halloween is the one night a year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."
"And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals."
"Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up?"
"Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try Sears."
"Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good."
" I gave him everything... I was half a virgin when I met him!"
"Raise your hand if you have ever been personally victimized by Regina George."
"Do you even go to this school?"
"No... I just have a lot of feelings..."
"Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you."
Rotten Tomatoes: 95% (Audience Score: 84%)
Metacritic: 73 (User Score: 3.4)
Domestic Total Gross: $1,108,462
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