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03.24.2010by: Jim Law

Top 12 Favorite Personal Trainers

Not all our beloved movie heroes start out with the ability to kick ass. Sometimes they need practice, or a little guidance. Maybe even a music montage of sorts. Whatever the case, these lost souls need someone to show them the way, to teach them to be the best they can be before the last scene of the film and/or many sequels. Their methods may not always be traditional or necessarily safe but they'll always get the job done when you need them.

12. Snotty - REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: NERDS IN PARADISE

If being the world's biggest slob is your goal in life you will not get there without the help of Snotty (and perhaps this fuck-tard that works down the line from me at my day job). Crisp belches with the perfect density, loogies that feature flawless consistency, and lots of drugs. The man is a role model for far too many men in this world.

11. Chiun - REMO WILLIAMS: THE ADVENTURE BEGINS

Even though the "Adventure" began and ended here, Chiun did his best while teaching Remo the art of fake martial arts in the form of Sinanju which included the ability to dodge bullets, run on water, and fall down a lot.

10. Beggar So - DRUNKEN MASTER

I was convinced while in college, during a week long bender that featured me and my friends trying to steal empty kegs from bars so we could return them and buy more kegs, that I was a self taught master of The Eight Drunken Immortals. every time I had my ass handed to me by a bouncer I would just blame the fact that I wasn't drunk enough and start all over again.

9. Senzo Tanaka - BLOODSPORT

Other than having a fantastic moustache, Tanaka earns points here for not killing Dux (JCVD) when he catches him trying to steal his shit. Instead he offers to train him (I wish the bouncers at those bars above thought this way). For his trouble he ends up creating the toughest round-eye since Chuck Norris.

8. Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez - HIGHLANDER

There can only be one, but, apparently, he can have up to sixteen names. Dirty Sanchez teaches Conner (Christopher Lambert) what it takes to be an Immortal, which basically boils down to "don't get your head cut off and you'll be aight". And then gets his head cut off.

7. Mickey Goldmill - ROCKY I-III

Other than the pink cardigan, Mick spent the last days of his life putting the "stallion" in the Italian Stallion. Rock would have been nothing more than just another hood-rat had Mick not dug in his decrepit claws and made a heavyweight champion, Hulk Hogan throwing, Mr. T bitch-slapping, cold war ending pimp out of him.

6. Lčon - THE PROFESSIONAL

I'm still waiting (wishing) for a sequel to this film so we can see exactly how good of a job he did with Mathilda. And, for his sake, he can come back as a ghost to see how incredibly fuckin' hot she's become. Things be getting all sorts of paranormal awkward. I should be paid for writing these scripts.

5. Morpheus - THE MATRIX

Your job as a teacher is pretty easy when your student can simply download any bit of information they'd like directly into their brain. Still, Mo-Mo does a good job helping Neo realize his potential as the most important being in the history of the universe. And help him practice kung-fu.

4. Henri Ducard - BATMAN BEGINS

Dude basically made Batman. I mean, he didn't sew his costumes or give him the name but he did help put the super in his super hero. And what does he get for his trouble? Bruce burns down his temple, kills his fake boss, and totally breaks his promise to join him so he can move back to Gotham and live like a pimp. Batman's a dick.

3. Pai Mei - KILL BILL: VOL. 2

If I ever trained under this old bastard I would become the greatest fighter in human history. If only so I could one day beat the ever-living-shit out of him. Seriously, my graduation day would go something like this - lots of bowing, eat some cake, and then 12 hours of me punching this guy in the face. I wouldn't leave until there was just a pulpy pile of blood and ridiculous beard.

2. Yoda - THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

While Obi-Wan screws everything up by subconsciously training Anakin to become a Dark Lord and dying just as Luke starts showing potential, Yoda picks up the slack and produces the mack of all Jedi. He loses some points though since he let Luke leave before he was done and the fact that he talks backwards.

1 Kesuke Miyagi - THE KARATE KID FILMS

Miyagi is the total package - trainer, bodyguard, handyman, teacher, healer, father figure, grandfather figure, employer, and pruner. All of this shit, in one way or another, helped a dorky little Italian transfer student become the honorable, disciplined, ass kicker he is today. He also got to bang two separate hot chicks in two separate movies. This is all the Miyagi way of life. You can call him Mr.

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