Awfully Good: So Undercover

August 28th 2013, 3:13am

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

When she’s not grinding on Beetlejuice or scarring the Disney Channel for eternity, Miley Cyrus can also be found…

So Undercover (2012)

Director: Tom Vaughan
Stars: Miley Cyrus, Jeremy Piven, Mike O’Malley

A private investigator who’s, like, so rough-around-the-edges, totally goes undercover for the FBI in a college sorority house.

When our own Ammon Gilbert suggested SO UNDERCOVER for Awfully Good, I assumed he just hated me and wanted to see me suffer. After actually sitting through this movie, my presumption was correct.

“Yes, but that was before the portion of the evening in which I gave America chlamydia.”

SO UNDERCOVER is MISS CONGENIALITY mixed with THE HOUSE BUNNY mixed with abject human suffering. I’m sure there are plenty of Hannah Montana fans now packing for college that will eat up this adorable mix of college comedy, teen romance and lighthearted girl-power action. But for the rest of society, this is about as painful as it gets without truly ever crossing the line in to enjoyably bad territory.

For when you’re ready to graduate from gerbil.

Miley Cyrus is perhaps the least convincing “tough girl” ever presented. (Made even more ridiculous by the gritty 70s action intro that kicks off the film.) When the movie starts we’re supposed to believe that she’s some tough-as-nails, foul-mouthed P.I. who rides motorcycles, jumps rooftops and beats up corrupt politicians on a regular basis. Riiiiight… So she’s awesome, but her police office father (played by Nickelodeon GUTS host Mike O’Malley) is a gambling addict recently kicked off the force and in the hole 17 grand. Conveniently, Miley learns this information around the same time an FBI agent (a clearly embarrassed Jeremy Piven) offers her $20,000 to go undercover and protect a sorority girl whose father is an informant.

I’ll take “Things In Miley Cyrus’ Purse” for $100, Alex.”

In what is probably the most cringeworthy part of the movie, Miley gets a fashion makeover and a crash course in current teen speak, including “totally,” “oh my God” and “bomb dot com.” You know… stereotypical phrases that young people haven’t actually used in a decade. The makeover is also just an excuse for an obscene amount of product placement. Jeremy Piven and Autumn Reeser just simply read out the names of various makeup and contraceptive products and show them to the camera. Piven even gives Cyrus the keys to her brand new Volkswagen EOS and says something along the lines of, “It’s the car every girl wants!”

Kelly Osbourne alone at a kissing booth. Yeah, this makes sense.

Once she’s equipped with a bedazzled smart phone and enough 90s slang to kill Alicia Silverstone, Miley proceeds to the college campus and becomes pretty much the worst undercover agent ever. She’s lucky sorority girls are apparently the dumbest people on Earth, because this clandestine operative doesn’t even bother hiding her true identity at all. She pulls a gun out whenever someone walks in the room, acts shady and aloof constantly, is always ranting about firearms and surveillance, and even flat out asks her “friends” if they killed someone or are hiding something. Any time Miley makes a mistake, she covers it up by yelling out the phrase “amazeballs” for no reason (and in one case mistakenly says, “Your balls are amazing!”). Eventually she literally stumbles upon the identity of the would-be assassin, and even though it’s supposed to be some mind-blowing twist—it’s pretty obvious just by virtue of the film lazily going for the most ridiculous, out-of-left-field choice.

No, I didn’t pick up on any recurring motifs in this film .

SO UNDERCOVER is so bad, so stupid, so pointless… you get the point. (It also has Kelly Osbourne in it for no reason.) The only redeemable aspect of this movie is the gratuitously PG-13 sorority carwash scene, which you can find in the Best Parts section below.

“It’s like a sad animal attempted suicide on your head!” and other gems.

Action Miley, makeover Miley and a sorority girl carwash.

You saw more skin at the MTV VMAS.

So excited? Buy this movie here!

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