Reviews & Counting
# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Josh Reed

Krew Boylan/Mel
Ch'aska Cuba de Reed/Daughter
Santiago Cuba de Reed/Son
Lindsay Farris/Chad
5 10
A group of 6 token horror movie mooks head out into the Australian wilderness to camp and check out some cavemen drawings on a cavern wall. But when one of their own gets infected by something, grows large teeth, goes bonkers and begins to want to eat everybody, its pootie time!
Before my PRIMAL screening, I checked out the TRAILER and it looked like a hoot to me with all kinds of Bigfoot like creatures jumping around and chasing a group of kids; I was pumped for it! A while into it; I realized that I had watched the wrong trailer (there's another movie called Primal) and once I came to peace with not seeing giant Sasquatches going buck nuts, I got to dig in this PRIMAL with a full set of teeth.

PRIMAL begins like so many horror movies launch; a group of young adults (the blonde whore, the nice girl, the jock, the jokester, the nerd) head somewhere remote and are then thrown into the ring of fire and have to fight hard to survive. Familiar set up? Yes. Did I give a shit? No. Bring it I thought and for a while there it did. Once the sexy hi-jinks were out of the way and the tit shot was put out; the horror-coaster began and I relished in the ups and downs. Not sure about yall but when I wanna relax; seeing savage chicks with long razor sharp teeth, jumping in the air in glorious slow motion, ripping throats and even going as far as tacking a Kangaroo (funny shit) usually does the trick. And for a while there I was as chill as cucumber, having a blast in my seat. The random hilarious lines of dialogue (Damien Freeleagus as Warren had one my fav reaction lines, I laughed out loud) had me grinning as well and so did the moments of chunky, mucho red and fairly gross gore (I so dug that hump and cannibalize threesome bit...nice!). All was well In Graceland and The King was happy. And props to Reed for his flamboyant visual style! His slow motion whoring ways, his sleek angles, the random creativity (the time-lapse bit at the beginning was nuts) and the quick push-ins powned me. Finally most of the cast was fairly likable with Wil Traval as the jock, Damien Freeleagus as the joker and final girl Zoe Tuckwell-Smith sticking out the most for me. Special Mention: Krew Boylan as the cold hearted slut made for quite the stimulating crotch candy. I want one!

So what went wrong? Well first the characters kept doing the stupidest of moves, decisions so inane that I eventually had a hard time sympathizing with them. Hey look a rabbit with giant, unnatural teeth attacking us! Lets camp here! Or... Hey since there are rabbits with giant teeth in this forest, lets go skinny dipping, yeah! How about: All hell is breaking loose, the car is right around the corner, but hey, lets stick around and only get to that car in act 3. COME ON! But the king of moron award had to go to the character of Chad (played by Lindsay Farris, who did a great job cause I wanted to punch him and bang his girl in the crapper). What a maddening character! I don't know about you guys, but if my “I flirt with other men” girlfriend turns into a flesh eating, rabid beast, I'm f*cking out of there, relationship is over. Not this dude, throughout the whole thing, all he kept doing was whine and go against his friends to “save” his girl. It made no sense to me and he dragged the movie down. By the time the uneven fight choreographies, the redundancy of the storyline and that left field and lame ending with ATARI level CGI kicked in... I had tuned out.

With a better script, PRIMAL could've been something great, the flick had a sleek look, some cool jump stunts, lots of red splats and a fairly good cast. Alas that was not to be. I need a coffee and a headjob...like NOW!
Throats ripped out, head smashed in, body cut in half, stabbings, nasty back break and more! Gore was one of the highlights here!
T & A
Krew Boylan gave us a shot at her tangerines (thanks hun) and the ladies get a fit Wil Traval shirtless.
With a more solid screenplay, PRIMAL could have been the shite instead of passable. It was randomly fun with groovy humor, money stunt, stylish directing and outlandish gore but the stupidity of the characters (specially Warren), the repetitive nature of the story and the awful ending in both content and execution (that CG blew) bitch-slapped to ho hum hell. If you gotta see it, do it drunk with some buds and brews, so you can laugh with it and laugh at it all in one sitting.
Josh Reed created the 12,000 year time-lapse sequence via individually photoshopping almost 300 frames. Wow. Props bro, that moment was awesome!