Review: In The Name of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

January 11th 2008, 12:00am

After a group of orc-like creatures known as the Krugs, kills the son and kidnaps the wife of a simple farmer. Our guy flips out and goes on a major revenge spree with a couple of his buddies. We quickly learn that the Krugs are actually controlled by an evil wizard named Gallian. Gallian consumed with evil wants to overthrow the crown and rule the land. Hopefully our heroes will do something to stop the madness and restore order and piece throughout the land. Magic, cartoon violence, CGI castles and bad creature prosthetics all ensues.

Peter Jackson really broke the mold after LORD OF THE RINGS series. He set the standard, so if you can’t make it better than that don’t make it. He paved the way, so what the fluck? How come all these fantasy flicks that are coming out lately (with the exception of Narnia) are sucking? It looked like LOTR’s on a shoestring budget.

Let me start with what I did like. Jason Statham…that’s it. Now for the bad stuff. Call me picky, but usually I find it irritating when half the cast has a British accent and the other half has an American one. Stick to one just to keep the consistency going. The cartoon violence was alright and the choreography was meh but the fact they didn’t have any blood (except for on a dagger) really made feel I was watching a medieval episode of THE A-TEAM. The creature costumes were pathetic; they looked like Sleestaks from the Land of the Lost but with armor and they couldn’t move properly with the poor prosthetics. The Kings’ royal guards were lame and they moved like Power Rangers. I was laughing the whole time they were fighting. The tree chicks scenes were stupid, it was like they pulled a scene out of Cirque de Soleil.

It really is amazing that the makers of the film were able to nab a couple of decent actors for this and the ruin it by getting some really crappy ones. Mind you, it wouldn’t have made a difference here as the movie was doomed to fail anyways no matter who you got to be in it. Like I said earlier Statham was the best part of the film but that doesn’t mean he was good, he was alright but it the role didn’t really fit him. It was as if the “Transporter” got transported to the middle ages. He looked out of place, in fact, it looked like he really didn’t want be there anyways. Dude, just stick to guns and fast cars will ya?

As for the rest of the cast, where do I begin? Why was Burt Reynolds in this movie? That’s like putting Meryl Streep in a FRIDAY THE 13TH movie. It just doesn’t work and Reynolds had a big part too! Matthew Lillard needs to re-evaluate his career or find another movie to do with Freddy Prinze Jr…or not. Kristanna Loken was nice on the eyes but that’s it. Leelee Sobiesky shouldn’t be wasting her talent on a film like this. John Rhys-Davies should know better! It was like he was cheating on a franchise.

Uwe Boll officially sucks and I’m more than happy to do 10 rounds with him in the ring! Bring it on! Stop trying to translate mediocre video games to the big screen. I was hoping this fantasy flick was going to be different. It had a good premise but the execution just sucked! No actor or special effects could save this movie. Don’t waste your time people.