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C'mon Hollywood #229

11.10.2009

...WTF were you thinking?
by J.A. Hamilton

After listening to my friend Marcey’s Super Podcast last night, featuring her and Joblo’s Tony Lang discussing their top five WTF moments in movies, I decided to put off my original plan for this week’s column and go with some of MY favorites instead. It’s hard to put them in a distinct order (all but number one that is), but here we go. Number five would have to be THE BEACH, starring Leo DiCaprio as a dude who ends up on a LORD OF THE FLIES type island; which like the island from LOST, has yet to be modernized. The movie started out cool (I was digging those shots of snake blood) but despite this film’s many plot holes, the whole jump into” video game world” had me wanting to punch a hole through my TV screen.

I see no evidence of stones...LIES!

Number four comes from one of my favorite films of all time THE FIFTH ELEMENT. I can look past Jean Paul Gaultier’s left field fashion sense, or the different kinds of aliens who are vastly superior to humans yet still decide to entrust us with the key to save our world, but what throws me every time is the concept behind Diva Plavalaguna. OK, so say the bad guys didn’t kill her, how the F*CK was she going to give Bruce Willis those stones if they were in her chest? Not to mention how big the damn things are, making it hard to believe they were inside her in the first place. I don’t dare ask how she ingested them.

Cut through the graveyard...what a wonderful idea!

Number three also comes from one of my favorites, RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE. Over the course of these movies, the way in which the T-Virus works is quite debatable; first it’s an airborne pathogen that kills everyone in the Hive, and then reanimates their dead flesh, then they just go with the good ol passing of the infection through saliva to blood contact and vice-versa. A little dodgy but I’ll roll with it. What I don’t understand is how the T-Virus manages to seep six feet down into the ground and through coffins to reanimate the dead people in the graveyard Milla and company run through. Over and above the fact that I wouldn’t be cutting through a graveyard when the city is overrun by zombies, I’m also thinking those dead people should have been dust and bone, not meaty corpses.

That's some high quality H2O!

Number two takes a film that was otherwise flawless, and turns it on its ass at the last possible minute, making me shout “ARE YOU F*CKING SERIOUS!?” That film is SIGNS. I’m all for alien flicks, as a matter a fact, they’re a “guilty pleasure” genre for me. So when this came out featuring a killer cast and an M. Night Shyamalan who was still on his game, I was stoked as hell. I’ll look past the idea of aliens preparing for an invasion yet deciding to leave less than inconspicuous markings in fields, but what I can’t forgive is having their weakness be f*cking WATER! We’re supposedly dealing with intelligent aliens with spacecrafts circling our planet, and they don’t f*cking notice that Earth is mostly comprised of the one thing that can kill them? Come on!

I am Jack's weaponized vagina

Number one comes in the form of a salty little flick that came out in 2007. Some of you may not have heard of it, and those of you who DID, may very well have avoided it. Curiosity (and booze) got the better of me on fateful night and thus I decided to watch TEETH. My WTF moment is this film in its entirety. Yes folks, for those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s about a chick who (due to living by a nuclear power plant while in the womb) is born with Vagina Dentata (yep, that’s what they call it), meaning her Vajj is lined with a set of teeth that would make JAWS envious. I recommend watching it if for no other reason, than morbid curiosity. Well, those are my WTF moments, so tell me, what’s YOUR #1 f*cked up movie moment?
Extra Tidbit: I also wasn't overly fond of WAR OF THE WORLDS, specifically how the aliens (some of whom had been dormant on the planet years), failed to realize that they were susceptible to bacteria? Stupid-ass aliens.
Source: JoBlo.com
Tags: Hollywood

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10:43PM on 11/17/2009
I love the Beach.. I think it's a fantastic and underrated movie.. but the video game scene is a huge WTF moment. Does anybody know why they included that scene?
I love the Beach.. I think it's a fantastic and underrated movie.. but the video game scene is a huge WTF moment. Does anybody know why they included that scene?
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3:09PM on 11/17/2009

Bruce Willis is an alien

Now that I think about it, Shyamalayan reused the same weakness in "unbreakable" and "signs"... so Bruce willis is part of the alien race of signs?...
Now that I think about it, Shyamalayan reused the same weakness in "unbreakable" and "signs"... so Bruce willis is part of the alien race of signs?...
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3:06AM on 11/12/2009

Start WATCHING the movies people

Well the things is, Signs DOES make sense. Nowhere in the movie is it stated that they are more intelligent, simply that they're extra terrestrials. Having ships that can traverse the stars doesnt mean you're more intelligent. I know mentally handicap people that have iPhones. I don't even have an iPhone and i work for the state! Also, intelligence is impossible to quantify considering we know nothing of their species' history and culture. Do they have water on their planet? Notice that crop
Well the things is, Signs DOES make sense. Nowhere in the movie is it stated that they are more intelligent, simply that they're extra terrestrials. Having ships that can traverse the stars doesnt mean you're more intelligent. I know mentally handicap people that have iPhones. I don't even have an iPhone and i work for the state! Also, intelligence is impossible to quantify considering we know nothing of their species' history and culture. Do they have water on their planet? Notice that crop circles are in rural areas away from water, notice that they left the planet when they realized they were susceptible to the very thing which covers the majority of it. It all makes sense if you THINK about. People really don't know how to watch movies any more. I knew a girl who said that discussing a movie after watching it ruins it. The same goes for The Fifth Element. Plava was an ALIEN her internal system may be nothing like ours. Possibly her chest cavity houses nothing, perhaps, like a squid her vital organs are in her head. The stones were small enough that they could fit stacked in twos in her chest cavity providing it was filled with nothing vital. She wears a skirt-like garment, who's to say there is no cavity there which allows access to things hidden in her? Maybe her race is hollow. We don't know. What we do know is that she is an alien and yet we still attempt to apply human physiology to her. That's ludicrous. And as stated WOTW makes complete sense. The SHIPS were dormant for years, their operators rode down on the lightning, this was CLEARLY stated in the film, it was a passing statement, it was a point of interest for 3-5 minutes. How can people forget these things? It just goes to show that people dont pay ATTENTION to movies, they see them, but they don't WATCH them...
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3:02PM on 11/17/2009
Dude I bet that in rural areas there's rain, and those fluffy white things that you can see from outer space...water. As Hamilton says, everything up until that point was a great concept, the twist was just plain stupid.
Dude I bet that in rural areas there's rain, and those fluffy white things that you can see from outer space...water. As Hamilton says, everything up until that point was a great concept, the twist was just plain stupid.
2:52AM on 11/11/2009
I am pleased as punch to discover several other Schmoes who also believe that the water thing in "Signs" actually made sense. The reason I consider it to be his least film (still love it though) is because of how the aliens look, very uninspired.
I am pleased as punch to discover several other Schmoes who also believe that the water thing in "Signs" actually made sense. The reason I consider it to be his least film (still love it though) is because of how the aliens look, very uninspired.
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+0
10:11PM on 11/10/2009

Resident Evil

Yeah, I love the movies but they kinda go their own way each time, I'm curious to see how they shape the virus in part 4.
Yeah, I love the movies but they kinda go their own way each time, I'm curious to see how they shape the virus in part 4.
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6:01PM on 11/10/2009
I was never too fond of the "bag of weed" that becomes a person in Kumar's little fantasy from Harold and Kumar. Or the cartoon bit that followed later on.
I was never too fond of the "bag of weed" that becomes a person in Kumar's little fantasy from Harold and Kumar. Or the cartoon bit that followed later on.
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3:53PM on 11/10/2009
Nuking the fridge. Enough said.
Nuking the fridge. Enough said.
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5:58PM on 11/10/2009
a WTF so awesomely bad it made my list on the podcast hehe
a WTF so awesomely bad it made my list on the podcast hehe
5:59PM on 11/10/2009
Yes that was the DUMBEST fucking thing ever!
Yes that was the DUMBEST fucking thing ever!
10:08PM on 11/10/2009
Worst scene and movie ever.
Worst scene and movie ever.
+1
3:19PM on 11/10/2009

Ooooh Scary Wind!

Forget about Signs(I still dig that whole other plot about the loss of faith) My biggest WTF moment was in another M. Night movie The Happening where the "Twist" is plants and trees are plotting against the human race and Mark Wahlberg and company had to run from a breeze. *lol*
Forget about Signs(I still dig that whole other plot about the loss of faith) My biggest WTF moment was in another M. Night movie The Happening where the "Twist" is plants and trees are plotting against the human race and Mark Wahlberg and company had to run from a breeze. *lol*
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3:42PM on 11/10/2009
Elliot Moore: [to house plant] Hello. My name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay.
Elliot Moore: [to house plant] Hello. My name is Elliot Moore. I'm just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We're just here to use the bathroom, and we're just going to leave. I hope that's okay.
4:40PM on 11/10/2009
The Happening is one of my favorite movies of all time, as it's about as WTF as you can get. Worse movie ever? Yes. Best movie ever? Yes. Marky Mark talks to plants and runs from wind. WIND! And asks a lot of stupid questions. Awesome.
The Happening is one of my favorite movies of all time, as it's about as WTF as you can get. Worse movie ever? Yes. Best movie ever? Yes. Marky Mark talks to plants and runs from wind. WIND! And asks a lot of stupid questions. Awesome.
2:44PM on 11/10/2009
Was Teeth really Hollywood though? I thought it was an Indie and bought after playing at Sundance. Actually an unique movie worth watching.
Was Teeth really Hollywood though? I thought it was an Indie and bought after playing at Sundance. Actually an unique movie worth watching.
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3:48PM on 11/10/2009
Not really Hollywood, but there is something WTF about teeth in a vagina, but for me it was a good WTF because the film was awesome.
Not really Hollywood, but there is something WTF about teeth in a vagina, but for me it was a good WTF because the film was awesome.
5:59PM on 11/10/2009
Yeah, Teeth was the definitely a WTF moment in movie history.
Yeah, Teeth was the definitely a WTF moment in movie history.
2:43PM on 11/10/2009
Glad to have inspired the column for the week :)

Everyone has different picks, but yes Signs and the water pissed me off, so did the second half of The Village.

On the show I had to mention robot testies in TF2. I mean there are so many bad WTF moments in good and bad films.
Glad to have inspired the column for the week :)

Everyone has different picks, but yes Signs and the water pissed me off, so did the second half of The Village.

On the show I had to mention robot testies in TF2. I mean there are so many bad WTF moments in good and bad films.
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12:38PM on 11/10/2009
Totally agree with the article, Hollywood really tends to think its audiences are stupid more often than not.
Totally agree with the article, Hollywood really tends to think its audiences are stupid more often than not.
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-4
12:16PM on 11/10/2009

Signs!

Yeah, or how about the fact this advanced race just seems like a bunch of screeching raptors which Gibson traps one in a closet?? And we're lead to believe this race is a thousand times more advanced than us? Uh.....what?
Yeah, or how about the fact this advanced race just seems like a bunch of screeching raptors which Gibson traps one in a closet?? And we're lead to believe this race is a thousand times more advanced than us? Uh.....what?
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1:37PM on 11/10/2009
More advanced doesnt imply they are more intelligent. Are we more intelligent than 500 years ago because we have computers ???

Plus an extra-terrestrial life form doesnt necessarily have the same kind of brain as us. Logic, knowledge ... may be different. Point is they may think different. And if they dont have water on their planet, which is a possibility, how are they supposed to know its lethal to them ???
More advanced doesnt imply they are more intelligent. Are we more intelligent than 500 years ago because we have computers ???

Plus an extra-terrestrial life form doesnt necessarily have the same kind of brain as us. Logic, knowledge ... may be different. Point is they may think different. And if they dont have water on their planet, which is a possibility, how are they supposed to know its lethal to them ???
8:52PM on 11/10/2009
C'mon, more advanced would pretty much suggest more intelligent, assuming you have these beings are capable of traveling to other planets. And computers have definitely enabled us in terms of having a mountain of information at our finger tips, compared to 500 years ago when people still thought the earth was flat and the center of the universe...
C'mon, more advanced would pretty much suggest more intelligent, assuming you have these beings are capable of traveling to other planets. And computers have definitely enabled us in terms of having a mountain of information at our finger tips, compared to 500 years ago when people still thought the earth was flat and the center of the universe...
12:15PM on 11/10/2009

Defending SIGNS

I just like to say that the water thing never bothered me. In fact, I thought of it as an homage to H.G. Wells, War of the Worlds. The most innocuous thing to us kills them. Besides, there are all different kinds of water. Living on a farm, you know that your water isn't the same as in the city or on the beach. Besides, aren't we really overlooking the most obvious WTF moment? The aliens have no pants!
I just like to say that the water thing never bothered me. In fact, I thought of it as an homage to H.G. Wells, War of the Worlds. The most innocuous thing to us kills them. Besides, there are all different kinds of water. Living on a farm, you know that your water isn't the same as in the city or on the beach. Besides, aren't we really overlooking the most obvious WTF moment? The aliens have no pants!
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12:12PM on 11/10/2009

SPAWN

I know it wasn't the best movie or anything, but I never understood why cast Terry Fitzgerald as a white guy. Made no sense.
I know it wasn't the best movie or anything, but I never understood why cast Terry Fitzgerald as a white guy. Made no sense.
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12:37PM on 11/10/2009
I didn't get that either, but I understood why they did that with Kingpin though.
I didn't get that either, but I understood why they did that with Kingpin though.
10:04PM on 11/10/2009
Yeah, that was odd.
Yeah, that was odd.
-3
10:57AM on 11/10/2009

Today's WTF moment

"takes a film that was otherwise flawless..."

SIGNS..?? Really??? You are kidding me, right?!

*sigh*
"takes a film that was otherwise flawless..."

SIGNS..?? Really??? You are kidding me, right?!

*sigh*
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+0
10:53AM on 11/10/2009

THE ROCK

The biggest WTF moment I ever had was in one of my fav movies.. the action classic: THE ROCK. The moment they get on the island, Sean Connery's character has to go through some kind of furnace to open a door from the inside. To do so, he had memorized the timing of the flames, so my question is.. WHY?

When he escaped, he was inside, he just needed to open the door and that's it. When he tried to escape did he leave his wallet or something inside so he had to go back in? Are you following
The biggest WTF moment I ever had was in one of my fav movies.. the action classic: THE ROCK. The moment they get on the island, Sean Connery's character has to go through some kind of furnace to open a door from the inside. To do so, he had memorized the timing of the flames, so my question is.. WHY?

When he escaped, he was inside, he just needed to open the door and that's it. When he tried to escape did he leave his wallet or something inside so he had to go back in? Are you following me?

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12:15PM on 11/10/2009
The Rock had quite a few of those moments didn't it. Too funny.
The Rock had quite a few of those moments didn't it. Too funny.
10:47AM on 11/10/2009
Great article, with the exception of Signs. That movie made a lot of sense to me. The movie never said the aliens were smarter than us, or even smart at all. Clearly, if they are using crop signs to navigate, it's not like they have the capacity to create f*ing TomToms. So it would make sense that they would stumble upon earth and not realize that water is poisonous to them. Water is nature's most powerful dissolvent. Over time, water can destroy just about anything. The aliens' bodies were
Great article, with the exception of Signs. That movie made a lot of sense to me. The movie never said the aliens were smarter than us, or even smart at all. Clearly, if they are using crop signs to navigate, it's not like they have the capacity to create f*ing TomToms. So it would make sense that they would stumble upon earth and not realize that water is poisonous to them. Water is nature's most powerful dissolvent. Over time, water can destroy just about anything. The aliens' bodies were just weaker to water than our bodies, just like our bodies would perhaps be weaker to another primary compound on another planet. In 100 years or so, our technology will probably be advanced enough for long-distance space travel, but how would we know if we had any weaknesses to gasses or liquids on other planets before we got there?
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1:38PM on 11/10/2009
Exactly my point ...
Im glad to see Im not the only one who took 2 seconds to think this through.
Exactly my point ...
Im glad to see Im not the only one who took 2 seconds to think this through.
10:01AM on 11/10/2009
We were all told that aliens were superior intellects, so if they're "kryptonite" is water, why the fuck would they come to a planet that's 80% water?

God I hate that fucking movie.
We were all told that aliens were superior intellects, so if they're "kryptonite" is water, why the fuck would they come to a planet that's 80% water?

God I hate that fucking movie.
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9:31AM on 11/10/2009
Can't say I fully agree with this list. The VIDEO GAME bit in ( the underrated) THE BEACH was one of my fav scenes from that film while TEETH was a unique and clever horror allegory to a young girl coming of age. But yeah SIGNS, loved the film but the water angle was a tad weak when looking back.
Can't say I fully agree with this list. The VIDEO GAME bit in ( the underrated) THE BEACH was one of my fav scenes from that film while TEETH was a unique and clever horror allegory to a young girl coming of age. But yeah SIGNS, loved the film but the water angle was a tad weak when looking back.
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9:15AM on 11/10/2009
The aliens in WOTW were not dormant in Earth for years. Their ships were. The aliens were injected through the lightning strikes (remember the news van with the frame-by-frame?). Signs has always bothered me with the water thing.
The aliens in WOTW were not dormant in Earth for years. Their ships were. The aliens were injected through the lightning strikes (remember the news van with the frame-by-frame?). Signs has always bothered me with the water thing.
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