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EXCL: Kevin Smith book!


Kevin Smith is getting so good at his public speaking ventures, it's become a second career for him at this point. Hell, he could retire as a director and just tour around the country with his modified stand-up act, entertaining people across the country. You should know that Smith is a talented writer so he's combined that skill with his gift of gab for the book "Shootin' the Shit With Kevin Smith" which is out in stores as we speak.

In freewheeling conversations with his friend and producer Scott Mosier (as heard on their top-rated podcast, known as SModcast), we discover ó to pick just four random examples of the riches therein ó the genesis of Stalinís Monkey Soldier army, the horrifying tale of Kevin vs. Steak Tartare, how to make bukkake eggs, and how Kevin was once willing to let Alanis Morissette get mugged...

We've got an exclusive excerpt from the book below, a conversation titled "Little Outhouse on the Prairie." I'd like to think we've covered a wide range of topics here on in the 11-something years since we've been up-and-running, but I think this is the first time we've had a discussion on using a corn cob to wipe your ass on the site. Just sayin...


KS: Welcome toÖ [Dissolves into coughing fit.]

SM: Welcome to SModcast!

KS: Thanks for the assist, for heavenís sakes. I got lost there in my phlegm. Itís the smoker in me coming out, sorry.

SM: Well, I quit.

KS: You donít smoke all the time, though. Youíre a social smoker, you smoke when you drink. Smoke when the tough kids, when youíre leaving the playground, are like, ďWhat? You donít smoke, baby?Ē And youíre like, ďWell of course I do!Ē Let me ask you a question. When you wipe your bung: toilet paper?

SM: Yeah. Whatís the other option? Your hand?

KS: Well, not all Hindus, but I believe in India they use their hand, in some cultures. But I go for the wet wipes.

SM: Oh, like a moist towelette? A baby wipe?

KS: Yeah, but look, youíre diminishing it and me when you call it a baby wipe! A bunch of companies have released them I think, but Continental is the one I use. Itís got a little puppy dog on the packaging. Which almost communicates the message, ďItís like wiping your ass with a puppy!Ē But they make a fine product thatís targeted at the adult audience ó because youíre right, primarily people think of moist wipes as baby wipes. But these are flushable, aloe-scented adult wipes. Itís important that theyíre flushable, because once when we were living in Rumson, we were flushing the regular baby wipes, and it backed up our fucking plumbing and it was a mess. But yeah, these things break down. You donít use these at all?

SM: I actually didnít know that they existed.

KS: Now that you know, will you start using them?

SM: No. I mean, why use them?

KS: Because thereís a better way out there!

SM: A better way toÖ

KS: To wipe your ass! And the way that itís meant to be wiped. I donít think we were meant to wipe our ass with dry paper. I think we were meant to wipe it with wet paper. It makes clean up easy, and more hygienic, I think. Think about it. You know how the CD player replaced the cassette player and the cassette player replaced the record player? Why these wet wipes havenít replaced toilet paper is beyond me. This is a huge advent in human technology.

SM: This is like going into space! The moon landing!

KS: Absolutely ó John Glenn stepping on the moonÖ he was the first one, right?

SM: Yeah. Him and Helen Keller.

KS: Right. John Glenn stepping on the moon doesnít hold a fucking candle to the adult wet wipe. They should get rid of toilet paper in general. Rolls should just go away now. Because to me, itís akin to the day they came up with toilet paper. Up until then ó this was the outhouse days ó they would use the Sears and Roebuck catalog pages. They would use a dry corncob, which I find fucking shocking. Why werenít there more reported cases of anal fissure back in the days of the outhouse?

SM: Well, I donít think they shoved it up their ass. I think they kinda put it between their cheeks.

KS: No, I donít think they shoved it up their ass either, but I donít care how they use it, but have you ever felt a dry corncob?




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