EXCL: Kevin Smith book!

SM: Welcome to SModcast!

KS: Thanks for the assist, for heaven’s sakes. I got lost there in my phlegm. It’s the smoker in me coming out, sorry.

SM: Well, I quit.

KS: You don’t smoke all the time, though. You’re a social smoker, you smoke
when you drink. Smoke when the tough kids, when you’re leaving the
playground, are like, “What? You don’t smoke, baby?” And you’re like, “Well
of course I do!” Let me ask you a question. When you wipe your bung: toilet
paper?

SM: Yeah. What’s the other option? Your hand?

KS: Well, not all Hindus, but I believe in India they use their hand, in some
cultures. But I go for the wet wipes.

SM: Oh, like a moist towelette? A baby wipe?

KS: Yeah, but look, you’re diminishing it and me when you call it a baby
wipe! A bunch of companies have released them I think, but Continental is
the one I use. It’s got a little puppy dog on the packaging. Which almost
communicates the message, “It’s like wiping your ass with a puppy!” But
they make a fine product that’s targeted at the adult audience — because
you’re right, primarily people think of moist wipes as baby wipes. But these
are flushable, aloe-scented adult wipes. It’s important that they’re flushable,
because once when we were living in Rumson, we were flushing the regular
baby wipes, and it backed up our fucking plumbing and it was a mess. But
yeah, these things break down. You don’t use these at all?

SM: I actually didn’t know that they existed.

KS: Now that you know, will you start using them?

SM: No. I mean, why use them?

KS: Because there’s a better way out there!

SM: A better way to…

KS: To wipe your ass! And the way that it’s meant to be wiped. I don’t think
we were meant to wipe our ass with dry paper. I think we were meant to
wipe it with wet paper. It makes clean up easy, and more hygienic, I think.
Think about it. You know how the CD player replaced the cassette player
and the cassette player replaced the record player? Why these wet wipes
haven’t replaced toilet paper is beyond me. This is a huge advent in human
technology.

SM: This is like going into space! The moon landing!

KS: Absolutely — John Glenn stepping on the moon… he was the first one,
right?

SM: Yeah. Him and Helen Keller.

KS: Right. John Glenn stepping on the moon doesn’t hold a fucking candle
to the adult wet wipe. They should get rid of toilet paper in general. Rolls
should just go away now. Because to me, it’s akin to the day they came up
with toilet paper. Up until then — this was the outhouse days — they would
use the Sears and Roebuck catalog pages. They would use a dry corncob,
which I find fucking shocking. Why weren’t there more reported cases of
anal fissure back in the days of the outhouse?

SM: Well, I don’t think they shoved it up their ass. I think they kinda put it
between their cheeks.