Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. Selwyn – BRAINDEAD (1992)
This poor little fucker never had a chance. Born with a relentless hunger of human flesh and the looks of a real-life Garbage Pail Kid, baby Selwyn does nothing but cause havoc everywhere he goes. There isn’t enough Ritalin in the world to calm this “hyperactive” monstrosity down and no prescription is going to solve that eye infection. Throw him in a blender, mix yourself some zombie eggnog, and think about all the money you just saved yourself on toys and raw meat.
2. Gage Creed – PET SEMATARY (1989)
The smell of dead kids scare off the reindeer. I’m not bullshitting you here. If Santa did manage to make it down the Creed chimney, Church, the dead family cat, would give him an instant heart-attack while cute little Gage was gutting him with Daddy’s shiny scalpel. This is much more fun than leaving out milk and cookies.
3. Eli – LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)
Chances are she ate Santa Claus. The little chick is so hungry she’d eat anyone you put in front of her (except Oskar for some weird reason). Even if she did want to open some presents, her parents are obviously long gone, she threw her guardian / delivery man out a window, the Christmas morning sunlight will set her on fire, and I’m pretty sure she’s at the top of the Swedish naughty list.
4. Damien – THE OMEN (1976)
What do you get the son of Satan on the birthday of the son of God? Nothing. Don’t even bring it up or you’ll be hanging from a window at the next house party. Also, don’t even think about making fun of that kids hair. I know it looks like a mix of 70s Travolta and Potsie from ‘Happy Days’ but don’t do it. Let’s just move on.
5. Homer – NEAR DARK (1987)
Pretty much the exact opposite of Benjamin Button, Homer is an old man trapped in the body of a child. However, his stocking was empty last week because of his tendency to kill people and drink their blood. Personally, I would make the best of being a kid forever. Get adopted, play video games forever, don’t worry about working, eat your parents, move on and start all over. This guy could have the greatest Christmas present record of all time but he decides to hang out with the wrong crowd.
6. Benjamin Button – THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON (2008)
What the hell do you buy that guy for Christmas? A pipe and some English Leather scented bubble bath? He probably wants toys but they don’t mix well with the arthritis. A bottle of scotch sounds swell but will probably kill him. Nudie mags will just get him into trouble. Tiger Beat will just get him into trouble. Wait, I got it! Diapers. Scratch him off this list.
7. Toshio Saeki – JU-ON et al. (2003)
You gotta feel bad for the little bugger for getting murdered and all but that doesn’t justify all the creepy cameos that followed. He’s always pulling shit like that photo above for no other reason than to scare the crap out of people. Move along my little pasty friend, and find other little pasty kids to play with. I hear there’s lots of them frolicking around the fire pits of Hell.
8. Joshua Cairn – JOSHUA (2007)
The last six years Joshua found a new pet under the tree. Then he killed them in horrible and disturbing ways. His parents finally had to draw the line, thus ending Josh’s murderous holiday cheer. If I ever found my oldest standing at the crib like that in the middle of the night he’d be strapped to the bed for weeks while awaiting the exorcism. Then I’d deal with my wife’s obsession of satanic rituals while pregnant. Just because the pig’s blood has folic acid added to it doesn’t mean it’s good for the baby.
9. Isaac Chroner – CHILDREN OF THE CORN (1984)
What kind of Sunday school did this kid go to? I guess he found out the hard way that there was no Santa Claus after he murdered all the parents in town and woke up Christmas morning to nothing but their rotting corpses and that same gay hat. Probably one of the most punchable faces in the history of cinema.
10. David – ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: AI (2001)
It’s kind of hard to see what Santa left for you under the tree when your mom drops you off on the side of the road and leaves you in the dust of her skidding tires. Thank God they didn’t program their address into this thing. You know what else they forgot to download when they built him? Common sense, anti-creepy 2.0, and a normal laugh.
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