Top 10 Reasons I've Never Done Heroin

I've lived a pretty sheltered life. Movies have a lot to do with that. I won't answer the phone at night in case it's coming from inside the house. When offered, I'll always take the blue pill. I never talk about Fight Club. And never will you see me on a muthaf*cking plane with muthaf*cking snakes. When it comes to drugs, heroin in particular, I'm probably cleaner than a nun with no arms. Am I a pussy? Maybe (probably), but at least none of the shit that you watch below will ever happen to me.

1. Dead Babies - TRAINSPOTTING (1996)

Watching this movie in your early twenties is a whole lot different than watching it when you're thirty-three-year-old father. I had to wipe my eyes when they showed the dead baby in it's crib and almost went into convulsions later when they show it crawling along the ceiling in that gem of a scene above. If this is what it's like to come down after jabbing yourself in the arm with a needle for an hour of fun-time, count me the f*ck out.

2. You Get Stabbed In The Heart - PULP FICTION (1994)

When Mia Wallace snorts a shitload of heroin she mistakes for cocaine the only way to save her is a giant needle of adrenaline to the heart. Thanks, but I'll pass. The last thing I need is to be brought back to life by something that would normally kill me.

3. You Got No Game - THE BASKETBALL DIARIES (1995)

The mid-nineties was nothing but basketball for me. Even though I knew Leo couldn't hoop to save his life, watching his downfall during this movie made me swear to God I would never stray from the court. I definitely wasn't going to start giving head in public restrooms for my next fix. That's what meal money was for.

4. Your Arm Looks Like This - REQUIEM FOR A DREAM (2000)

What the f*ck?! By the time Harry (Jared Leto) decides to go to the hospital his arm might as well been bitten by a zombie. Five minutes before this scene he sticks a needle into that gaping hole and I almost pass out and die. Even Jennifer Connelly's bush can't make me watch this movie more than once in my lifetime.


This might be a little obscure for the topic but man, this shit f*cked me up good when I was a kid. Just when Taryn (Jennifer Rubin) thinks she's bad enough to take on Freddy (Robert Englund) in her dreams because she's sporting some leather and a wicked ponytail, Krueger shows up and bitch-slaps her back to reality. After making the track-marks on her arm start to suckle he turns his fingers into needles and jabs her full of juice. Along with never doing heroin, I stopped dreaming after this scene.

6. You Write for ALF - PERMANENT MIDNIGHT (1998)

Dropping $6000 a week on heroin while writing for shows like 'thirtysomething', 'Moonlighting', and 'ALF' (changed in the movie to 'Mr. Chompers') is almost justified. I wonder what kind of shit I would write for this site if I had a needle hanging out of my arm. I don't know how Moreno does it.

7. You Kill Your Girlfriend - SID & NANCY (1986)

Kind of a long clip above so let me fill you in. Sid (Gary Oldman) and Nancy (Chloe Webb) talk about nothing for a while, go to bed, and wake up in a pool of blood. Seems Sid snuck a blade under the covers and decided to stab his lover because his solo career sucks and all the drugs had made his brain go bye-bye a while back.

8. You Get AIDS - GIA (1998)

If you're this hot and a lesbian you'd think you'd have the perfect life. Then your girlfriend dumps you. You're still hot but heroin has been introduced to your veins and somebody forgot to wipe the AIDS off one of your needles before you use it. You now have AIDS, are still hot, kick the heroin habit, get back to modeling your naked body, and die at the age of 26. Not so hot anymore.

9. Your Job Sucks - RUSH (1991)

If it was my job to be an undercover whiskey taster during prohibition I'd be shit-faced all day long. This is why I feel for Raynor (Jason Patric) and Cates (Jennifer Jason Leigh) when they get hooked on the smack during an epic narcotics assignment. They're so f*cked up by the end they don't even have any drugs left to use for evidence and let the bad guys get away.

10. Your Friends Die - DRUGSTORE COWBOY (1989)

That clip may make it look like all fun and flying cows but when one of your friends OD's on the drugs you stole the day before and your biggest problem is getting rid of the body during a sheriff's convention in your motel, you might want to kick the habit. Nothing good can come from watching Rollergirl (Heather Graham) die.

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