Top 10 Summer Movies

There’s a lot of movies to see this summer. A good majority of them are the third installment in a series. And if there’s anything to be learned from POLICE ACADEMY 3, it’s that the third is always the best (Oh Bubba Smith, you kill me!). But you can’t see everything that comes out. So we’re here to help you sort things out with a list of the movies you just can’t miss. Of course it’s not an exact science. Heck, in retrospect my list wasn’t all that accurate last year. POSEIDON as the No. 10 movie of the summer (Think you can do better smart-ass? Try for yourself in our Box-Office Prediction contest.)? So here’s the list of the Top 10 2007 Summer Movies You Gotta See!

10. OCEAN’S 13

Release Date: June 8th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 8.1

What’s the skinny? If Al Pacino ever screwed you out of a rich real estate deal in Las Vegas and you were forced to settle the score by bankrupting him through an extensive scheme to have every player hit it big in one night, then this film is for you. Even if that’s never happened to you (and don’t even try to pretend like it hasn’t) you still might dig this flick. Maybe you’ll even get a HOO-HAH or a great ass! out of Pacino.

9. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX

Release Date: July 13th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 9.3

What’s the skinny? Harry Potter is getting to be like your average high school boy – going to the prom, falling in love, fighting his parents’ killer and masturbating twice daily.

8. FANTASTIC FOUR: RISE OF THE SILVER SURFER

Release Date: June 15th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 6.4

What’s the skinny? A shiny surfer – he’s working with the bad guy but he’s really a good guy – warns us of impending destruction at the hands of a powerful villain. Johnny Utah, is that you??

7. THE SIMPSONS MOVIE

Release Date: July 27th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 7.5

What’s the skinny? Along with CINDY CRAWFORD RUNNING NAKED ON A BEACH, this movie is something I would’ve paid $10,000 to see in 1992. 15 years later? Eh, not so much. But still, the thought of seeing either Duffman, Baby Gerald or Poochie on the big screen will have me shelling out $9.50.

6. LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

Release Date: June 27th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 9.3

What’s the skinny? Based on what we know from prior DIE HARD movies, in LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD Detective John McClane will: a) be angry about something (impending divorce, bad hangover, etc.), b) crack wise at the villain’s expense, c) outrun an explosion, d) save the day. Extra credit question: Jack Bauer and John McClane both in a race to disarm a terrorist. Who wins?

5. KNOCKED UP

Release Date: June 1st

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 9.4

What’s the skinny? Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl star as a mismatched couple who find themselves pregnant after a one-night stand. Boy or girl, the kid’s gonna have big boobs when it grows up.

4. THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM

Release Date: August 3rd

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 9.2

What’s the skinny? Jason Bourne (Matty Damon) gives the CIA an ultimatum: Tell me who I am or, or I’ll….not like you anymore. Benny! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me. Sorry – I shouldn’t have watched THE MONEY PIT before writing this. “Two weeks! Two weeks! You sound like a parakeet!”

3. PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END

Release Date: May 25th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 9.1

What’s the skinny? It has Keith Richards as Captain Jack’s dad, Chow Yun Fat as a pirate and someone very likely dies. Who will it be? After three hours in a crowded movie theater watching this epic, it might be you. “What killed him doctor?” “The worst case of achy-breaky ass I’ve ever seen…”

2. TRANSFORMERS

Release Date: July 4th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 9.3

What’s the skinny? OK, I’m man enough to admit it. TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE made me cry. Yesterday. “Do not grieve. Soon I shall be one with the matrix.” Say what you want about that movie (Bah weep granah weep ninni bong?) but it was damn ballsy to kill off the main character and use the word “shit.”

1. SPIDER-MAN 3

Release Date: May 4th

Current Popcorn Meter Rating: 9.7

What’s the skinny?I’m beginning to think – based on the amount of e-mails I received – that Sony should’ve called this film SPIDER-MAN 3: RISE OF VENOM. I mean really that’s all people care about. They could just release the 15-or-so-minute segment Venom is in SPIDER-MAN 3 as a stand-alone movie and it would probably top the box-office charts. Yeah, we geeks love us some Venom. And we love us some Spider-Man. Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane? Um, not so much. But based on Venom, Sandman, Goblin, Gwen Stacy and the fact that it could be the last time we see Tobey Maguire in the red tights, you gotta see SPIDER-MAN 3.

Honorable Mention: STARDUST-9.1, HOSTEL 2 – 9, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY-7.9, RATATOUILLE – 8.8, EVAN ALMIGHTY – 9.0