Arrow’s X-Mas list!

Every year I mail Santa Claus a
letter; asking him for all kinds of stuff that I want for X-Mas. And every year he sends me a
FAX back, telling me to grow up, that he doesn’t exist and to go f*ck myself.

You better watch out Claus or…“see pic on the right”. So here’s what I asked Santa for
this year! Hopefully; he’ll finally get his fat ass into gear and I’ll get what I want.

13 THINGS THE ARROW
WANTS FOR X-MAS

1-
John Carpenter’s Return:
We’re kind of running out of genuine auteur horror filmmakers now of late and I
personally want John Carpenter back at work pronto. Having said that, I want him
to play within smaller budget ranges like he did with Alive Films in the 80’s
(where he made the great They Live and Prince of Darkness). So come on John! We need you
bro! I know you still have it in ya!

2-Evil Dead Remake Kaput:

I never want it to happen. If that film ever sees the light; it will open up
the door wider for even more genre classics to be remade in the name of greed and name
recognition. This remake trend has to end before there
is nothing sacred left on our video shelves! Incidentally; hey Raimi give me Evil
Dead 4 instead (as opposed to just name dropping it every other month) and oh and give Bruce Campbell a lead or a
principal role in one of your films already! He deserves better than the cameos
he’s been getting thus far!

3-
Dario Argento to finish what he started:
I want Dario Argento (one of my all time favorite directors) to finish up
the Three Mothers Trilogy (which is so far comprised of Suspiria and
Inferno). Rumor has it that it will be one of his next films but I’m sick of rumors. I
WANT FACTS! The thought of it happening has been in the air since the 80’s. Get it done Dario! I’m not getting any younger!

4-Kane Hodder where he belongs:

Freddy VS Jason Part 2 will be upon us eventually and word on the street is
that they’ll be using Ken Kirzinger to play Jason again. Why? He looked
and acted more like a Michael Myers than a Voorhees to me! Give the role back to
Kane Hodder! You know the guy that ran with it, reached out to the fans
and gave it a face! I want the “heaving chest”, pissed off and overtly
aggressive Jason back in action! And that means HODDER! If I want “expressive eyes” I’ll
buy a freaking puppy. And give
me Friday the 13^Th Part 11, starring Kane Hodder while we’re at it!

5-Clive
Barker’s dues:
I want the talented duder back in the horror movie trenches with guns blazing! He’s
proved himself with Hellraiser and Lord of Illusions and we need him behind the
camera again! Tortured
Souls should go into production ASAP and give him back the Hellraiser franchise
at the same time
He’ll whip it into shape no doubt! GO CLIVE! GO!

6-Killer Klowns From Outer Space Part 2:

A Killer Klowns From outer Space sequel needs to be done! The material is
still rich and is begging to be explored! With the original having proven to
survive the test of time both financially and critically; this should be
happening as we speak. But is it? IS IT? Not that I know of. I need a new Klown
injection yesterday! GET AT IT!

7-Land
of the Dead to kill the BO:
It took a long time to happen (well it felt like a long time to me) and now its
finally being made. Romero has returned to the graveyard! So yes, I want Land of the Dead to bring back
the retro feel of 80’s Romero Zombie movies (enough with all that quick cut directing)
and I want it to be a Box Office smash. George beyond deserves it and so do we
for that matter!

8-Jeepers Creepers 3 minus Salva’s "own shit going on":

Please have another screenwriter write Jeepers Creepers 3. I get it; The Creeper
is basically an alter-ego for writer/director Victor Salva but with with wings. They both prey on young
males and are both mis-understood. I f*cking get it! Too bad I don’t give a
shit! I’m here to watch a monster movie, not to see coin wasted on tanning oil
for shirtless young dudes who like to piss in unison (see Part 2, you’ll know what I’m
talking about). The Creeper is a fascinating creature with mucho potential. I’d
like to see him do
more than flirt with boys and sniff tidy-whities.

THE
ARROW’S NON GENRE X-MAS REQUESTS

9-
Mickey Rourke:
I want Mickey Rourke to get the ultimate comeback he deserves with the
upcoming Sin City. Say what you will about the lad; but he has paid his
dues, has been punished for his many mistakes and he deserves the scale to tip
on the other end full force. In my opinion, he’s still one of the most compelling actors of
this century. His body of work speaks for itself. MICKEYYYY! I LOVE YOU MAN!!!!!

10- Mandy Moore:

I know that Mandy digs on horror films and I really want her to star in one
(it almost happened with Cursed but her scene got snipped out since). I’d also
like to take her out; for a Chocolate Milkshake. I wouldn’t even make a
pass at her! I just want to share that shake and enjoy her serene
company (10 bucks that milkshake would wind up poured on my head ten minutes in).

11-The Punisher done right:
The Lundgren Punisher film echoed the comics via its relentless, firearm heavy demeanor. The 2004
Punisher movie got the Skull T-Shirt right. Now can we get an
ULTIMATE PUNISHER MOVIE? One that would lose the fire-hydrant and mirror the recent comics to a
“T”! I say let Garth Ennis write the script, keep Thomas Jane where he
did a good job and get a more seasoned director to helm it.

12-Kumite
to save Martial Arts films:
I want Van Damme’s second attempt at loosely remaking Bloodsport (he
first
tried with The Quest) to be quality filled, to hit the big screens in North
America and to be a smash hit!
JC Van Damme is presently directing KUMITE in Vancouver (from a
screenplay he wrote) and it promises to be the Martial Arts bonanza of the
century. Enough with this wire-foo, DMX shite! Bring real Martial Arts back to the big
screen!

13-XBOX:

With the relentless Montreal winter upon me hardcore right now; I won’t be
hitting the night life like I usually do where I hate snow with a
passion. Hence I need something else to kill time with while cooped up in my
dingy apartment. Yes, I want an XBOX! I
need an XBOX! Otherwise, its going to be a long winter in snow land for this twat! You reading this Mom?
 

NOW GO WRITE YOUR OWN LIST!
SANTA IS WAITING!

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