Awfully Good: Black Christmas (2006)

The original 1976 BLACK CHRISTMAS is considered one of the first slasher films ever made. The 2006 remake of BLACK CHRISTMAS is considered one of the worst slasher films ever made.

Black Christmas (2006)

Director: Glen Morgan
Stars: Katie Cassidy, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Lacey Chabert

Yellow-skinned serial killer Billy Lenz escapes from the asylum and returns to his former home, which is now conveniently a sorority house.

If you need some sort of blueprint on how NOT to make a scary movie, this will do just fine. Director Glen Morgan, who spearheaded the delightfully sadistic FINAL DESTINATION franchise, turns BLACK CHRISTMAS in to something violent and oftentimes nasty—yet somehow still boring and unmemorable. It takes a special kind of suck to make a film where eyes are gouged out like clockwork, people get stabbed by candy canes, and cookies are made out of human skin and still have it be woefully uninteresting and unexciting. It’s quite an accomplishment.

The sequel to MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET didn’t have the same charm as the original.

The filmmakers also go out of their way to make a sorority house the most boring place on Earth. They fill it with lovely ladies like Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Michelle Trachtenberg and grown-up Lacey Chabert and at no point are there lingerie parties, group showers or pillow fights. Unbelievable! The girls are all just stock “bitchy” characters, none of whom are likable, which is fine since most of them get violently dispatched. However, they’re also completely interchangeable. Aside from hair color, I can’t tell you any differentiating qualities between the girls and I just watched the movie. Hell, the killer is given a better, longer back story.

If the reindeer’s a rockin’…

As if on a dare, Morgan has written a script that takes your typical horror movie stupidity to unheard of new levels. After two of their sorority sisters are missing and they’ve received creepy calls from the killer from their cell phones, everyone ignores it and continues opening Christmas presents. Later, after three of their friends have clearly been murdered, they slowly come to the realization they should call the police. Unfortunately, because of a blizzard of bad timing, the cops won’t be able to come for another two hours. Instead of driving away or leaving the place the serial killer calls home, they decide to stay because “We’re sisters and we won’t leave anyone behind!” Not only do they remain in the house, but they immediately split up to go exploring. In the end, after everyone else is gruesomely dead, the final two girls STILL WON’T LEAVE THE HOUSE. No, they have to go up to the attic (where they know the killer lives) to check and make sure none of their non-blood related sisters has miraculously not died.

See, Asian stereotypes can be positive too!

If the movie ended there it would be pretty bad. But this is where BLACK CHRISTMAS really goes off the rails in to Crazy Town. [SPOILERS if you care.] The aforementioned attic showdown ends with the two heroines surviving and the killers getting burned alive in the walls of the house. Police arrive and take the survivors to the hospital. Cut to: The Morgue. Dun dun dun! Yes, the dead villains magically come back to life, completely unsinged and unharmed, and begin killing the hospital workers. (I guess none of the rescue personnel bothered to check them for a pulse.) They somehow know exactly which room the girls are in and climb through the walls and air ducts to get to them. This leads to a scene where the killers chase our hero through the halls of a hospital… and no one helps! Apparently every single person is in the lobby listening to Christmas carolers.

Merry, like, Christmas everyone!

There are so many other stupid plot holes and poorly explained elements to this movie that it makes me think the entire thing was a prank on the audience. At one point a character even begins to ask basic plot questions, like, um, how long exactly was the killer living in their attic? Instead of explaining things, someone else simply says, “We’re never gonna know that.” Yes, because this movie is too dumb to function.

Enjoy this anti-Christmas rant and the most dramatic marshmallow eating EVER.

Some of the better kills and gory parts, plus a hilarious scene where every keeps yelling “No, no!” over and over.

Billy peeks at a girl in the shower.

It’s the suck-suckiest season of all! Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:

  • Someone gets a bag put over their head
  • Someone says “She’s my family now.”
  • Someone’s eyeballs are removed from their head
  • Someone says “Merry Christmas”

Double shot if:

  • The killer’s weapon of choice is a unicorn

Thanks to Eric and Michael for suggesting this week’s movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.


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