Last Updated on July 23, 2021

The latest craze in horror fiction seems to be the twist on contemporary classics, throwing zombies or vampires or what-have-yous into settings where zombies or vampires (or what-have-yous) simply shouldn’t exist. From PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND ZOMBIES to SENSE AND SENSIBILITY AND SEA MONSTERS, and JANE SLAYER to MANSFIELD PARK AND MUMMIES, people keep buying the books so authors keep writing them. I get it. Classic literature made a little more exciting with a horror twist. I also get why ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER was so popular they decided to make a movie about it. An American president, a look at history with a vampires lurking in the background, and it’s someone other than Buffy doing the slaying. In book form, I’m sure it’s awesome. But as a movie? Aw hells nah….

On paper, the idea of adapting AL:VH into a movie sounds like a cool idea. He’s Honest Abe, he presidents the country by day and slays vampires by night. Cool. But upon seeing the initial TEASER TRAILER, it’s been apparent that what sounded like a good idea was actually not a good idea… or at least, the execution has gone horribly wrong. When the teaser opens up, you’re expecting some sort of biopic, as it introduces a former President of the United States doing what he all know him to do: wear a big ol’ hat, give speeches, be President-like. But then, we find out he’s a vampire hunter, and the action ensues. Which would be fine and dandy except it’s presented so goddamn straight that it’s hard to tell… is this thing for real or a f*cking joke?

By the time ol’ Abe is chopping down a tree with superhuman force, with the tree trunk exploding, I was laughing out loud at its utter ridiculousness and knew that all the effort that was put into making this flick awesome got lost somewhere along the way into the realm of silliness. I have to believe that when the title for ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER came on screen, most audiences across the country simply had a WTF? look on their face. I know I did… Now, I haven’t read the book, but any flick about vampire slaying that has Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov involved, I’m f*cking there in a heartbeat… except, it seems, for this one.

But maybe it was a marketing issue—maybe the trailer wasn’t cut the way it should have been, maybe they’re going an angle that proved to be 100% wrong and 100% inaccurate from what the movie will actually be like. It’s possible, right? Trailers have been known to mislead from time to time, as the people cutting the trailer together aren’t the same people who cut the movie together, and a lot of times, the directors and producers aren’t allowed input on what’s in the trailer, how it looks, and all that funky-fresh jazz. Maybe the goofiness of the teaser is actually the complete opposite of the actual badassery this film is actually going to be, right? I had hope, until the LATEST TRAILER hit last week and it became all-too apparent that AL:VH is doomed for silliness.

I should like a movie where a dude with an axe jumps around like the ultimate action hero, chopping up vampires left and right while riding on exploding trains and blowing up tree trunks and whatnot, but goddamn I simply can’t get into anything this flick has to offer. Hell, I even love the presence of Johnny Cash thrown in there. But there’s something about the fact that it’s Abe Lincoln that has me giving this trailer, and now this entire movie, a big ol’ middle finger. And I think that’s just it: it’s Abe f*cking Lincoln in the middle of all this action. The dude on the five dollar bill. A former f*cking President, for f*ck’s sake. But more importantly, it’s a real life person we’re expected to believe used to slay vampires with his battleaxe to avenge the death of his mother. Jesus Christ, saying it out loud like that makes me feel like the silliest mother*cker on the planet.

Maybe it’s the booze talkin’, but ABRAHAM LINCOLN: VAMPIRE HUNTER looks like one of the lamest movies of the year. The fact that Fox is selling this shit like the ultimate action movie with vampires in it, pimping out Burton and Bekmambetov’s involvement, and even pushing the 3D down everyone’s throats makes me hate it a little more, as if they’re expecting this movie to be one of the biggest blockbusters of the year/summer—and guess what? It won’t be. This shit is gonna bomb at the box office, and everyone involved is gonna look just as silly as the f*cking movie does. Regardless of how popular the book is or how cool the concept sounds, everything about having Abe Lincoln f*cking up vampires in movie form is just about the most ridiculously stupid thing imaginable and I can’t wait to see it flop.