Last Updated on August 3, 2021
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
1. BLACK SWAN (The finale)
If you’ve yet to see BLACK SWAN, it might behoove you to skip this entry. Not because this is the only major spoiler on our litany, but because this particular fatality comes during the film’s denouement, where every sequence before it deftly builds and builds into a crescendo of tragic beauty. Natalie Portman gives the performance of a lifetime in this potent blend of high and low art; a psychosexual thriller crafted with great verve by Darren Aronofsky. Because of the hallucinatory nature of the film, reflected in the mind of Portman’s Nina Sayers…whether or not the fevered finale is real or figment of the imagination can be opened up for debate, leaving us to question if the Swan Queen indeed sacrificed herself for her art, or if Aronofsky gave us an artificial sacrifice. A glorious death in one of the best films of the year!
2. THE KILLER INSIDE ME (The beating)
I’m not sure if it’s due to being freshest in my mind, or if it’s truly the most disturbing on our list, but the way Casey Affleck’s character Lou Ford primitively pounds the life out of Jessica Alba’s dotingly sweet Joyce Lakeland in THE KILLER INSIDE ME…well, it’s an unshakeable image. In fact, it’s so raw and indefatigable that I actually felt a bit queasy while watching it. Seriously. For those who missed Michael Winterbottom’s film – about a small town Texas sheriff masking a hidden penchant for violence – it’s been critically lambasted for it misogynistic spirit, in large part due to this scene. Pulverizing a woman’s face to a bloody pulp is one thing…but to do it Jessica Alba’s stunning façade…in a drawn out, brutally graphic way (while she refrains “I love you” over and over), with one’s bare hands…the shite’s downright gut-wrenching.
3. PIRANHA 3D (Penis Chewed Up & Spit Out)
Anyone who’s seen how exorbitant Alexandre Aja’s PIRANHA rendition is knows we could have chosen any number of gnarly gnashings for our list (the pornstar getting sliced in half comes to mind), but when you stop and think about how grimily off-putting Jerry O’Connell’s character is…the best of the bunch becomes a pretty easy call. Portraying a sleazy Joe Francis type douche-fist, exploiting the likes of Kelly Brook and Riley Steele in his “Wild Wild Girls” moneymaker…when Derrick Jones first gets his legs gnawed down to bloody bone, we can’t do much else but laugh at the poor sumbitch. Then, as if things couldn’t get campy enough, when Derrick’s man-junk is masticated then spit out by a disgusted piranha, in 3D no less…we’ve got one of the ballsiest (pun intended) yet hilarious kills of the year!
4. SAW 3D (Fish Hook & Key Down Throat)
There’s really no telling if we’ve seen the last of Jigsaw and his sadistic ways in SAW 3D, or if Kevin Greutert’s lucky number seven culled enough cash to keep the legacy alive. We do know this. Jigsaw and his elaborate torture traps rarely keep anyone alive…and one of the most imaginative deaths of the year happens to be the demented sicko’s handy-work. If you haven’t seen it, there’s one specific fatality that truly stood out. When Bobby Dagen’s publicist Nina is bound and gagged in a fancy contraption, Dagen has to, with his bare hands, retrieve a key out of the poor girl’s stomach. The method? Pull a fishing line with a hook on it up through the Nina’s innards, up through her diaphragm, through her throat and out of her mouth. The kicker? Dude has a minute to get the hook out and secure the key, in effect saving Nina’s life. Like most oral torture, this a hellish scene I’d advise the squeamish to steer clear of.
5. I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE: UNRATED (Castration Scene)
Not only did Steven Monroe have the arduous ask of sating fervent fans of original version of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, he also had the tough task of doing one of the most infamous scenes in Meir Zarchi’s film justice as well. All you gentlemen know what I’m talking about, right? Of course you do! I’m referring to the ungodly castration scene that the victimized heroine – played with great sympathetic pathos by Sarah Butler this time around – exacts during her retributive line of action. Of course, no man ever wants to see another’s juevos get lopped off, but the way the film is set up…we root wholeheartedly for Jennifer to serve the most extreme and barbarous comeuppance we can stomach. And that she does! Kudos to Monroe for not simply parroting the original, instead actually upping the ante for the money-shot this time around as well!
#6. FROZEN (Wolf Snack Attack)
When all is said and done, FROZEN might be Adam Green’s best film. Not only is it far more solemn than his prior work (HATCHET in particular), it’s lean, suspenseful, and features fine performances by a small cast of relatively unknown young actors. Yet there’s one scene in the frigid chiller that’s right out of a f*ckin’ Fulci film, one so rad it had to make the cut of the year’s best. When one of the three skiers – stranded on a chairlift in the bitter snow – decides to freefall to the ground in hopes of finding help, the dude predictably injures himself. What we don’t see coming though? A rabid pack of wolves that close in and waste no time before gorily shredding him to pieces…intestines and membranes staining the snow a deep crimson. The way Green intercuts the savage violence with the reaction of the dude’s mates above is notable, as it nicely marries the human drama with sensationalistic.
7. THE EXPENDABLES (Dude Shot in Half by Dolph)
So the best action film of the year, be it theatrically or on DVD, was indubitably Sly Stallone’s roundup of the genre’s halcyon heroes in THE EXPENDABLES. Sure, it’s pretty bereft of story or any feasible plotline, but damn are the action set pieces and comic one-liners fun to watch. And hey, if you want bodies hitting the deck in mass quantity…this flick’s for you. Hell, even John Matrix is jealous. (Arnie, who shared a wink-wink scene with Willis and Stallone). But again, we’re all about the best of the best here (Eric Roberts reference?)…so with that in mind, how could I omit the scene where Dolph Lundgren blows some dude clean in half? At the most opportune of times, no less? Come on, you remember it…as Stallone and his band of mercenaries become outflanked, Dolph (Ivan Drago, a nice touch by Sly) clanks the ratchet and ejects the enemy’s top half across the room like a goddamn lawn dart. Radical!
8. PREDATORS (Spinal Cord Ripped Out)
Even if, comparatively, you found Nimrod Antal’s PREDATORS to be an inferior effort to John McTiernan’s 1987 action powerhouse, there’s really no denying how impressive the aggregate tally of death knells proved to be in the redo. Explosions, impalements, bodily evisceration, PREDATORS had all of it. But if forced to single out one death, then I’m gonna have to go with Walt Goggins’ (Stans) getting his entire skull and spinal cord ripped out of his body toward the end of the picture. Ruthless and repulsive, the grue-filled kill comes on the heels of a heroic deed Stans tried to accomplish…that being to distract the predator long enough for his pals (enemies to begin with) to get the f*ck out of dodge (or at least the line of fire). They do, and as soon as Stans’ eggs the predator on…the alien beast gouges the dude’s flesh like a wet paper bag, yanking a leaky spinal cortex out of the body with little effort. Lesson learned? Never try to help a brother out!
9. MACHETE (Torrez’s End)
Although Robert Rodriguez didn’t quite deliver what he promised in the cult-followed faux-trailer for MACHETE, he and Ethan Maniquis peppered their hyper-exploitation flick with nothing but outlandish carnage candy. Because so much blood is shed in the film, through mass-slaughters and quickly cut death sequences, it’s hard to pin down one specific kill. So consider this an honorable mention for the entire film. That being said, how can we not at least mention how gauchely entertaining the Steven Seagal/Danny Trejo showdown is at the end of the film? Wow. For those in the know not, after Machete gets tossed around a bit during a dual-sword-duel, Seagal’s Torrez gets jabbed plum in the gut. Instead of fighting back, he scoffs, claims Machete will just be waiting for him in hell…then exacts a gruesome bout of suicide, twisting the blade deeper into his own belly. Even in a supporting role, Seagal still proves he’s “hard to kill.”
10. A SERBIAN FILM (Erection Through the Eye)
“Death by Fellatio!” Well, not exactly. Anyone who’s seen the highly polemic import A SERBIAN FILM will attest to it being among the foulest, most revolting pieces of pulp ever committed to celluloid. Yes, some of its content is so shockingly disturbing it’s hardly even worth repeating in print. However, there’s one particular instance in the picture that pushes the envelope to hilarious extremes. This gritty tale about the underbelly of the European porn industry features a scene where a dude stabs a person in the least likely of bodily orifices…the f*ckin’ eye socket and then skullf*cks him to death. No joke. A person gets lanced to death in the eye via erect penis! Of course, playing the scene with deadpan candor only makes us laugh at the shite all the more. Still, a highly memorable and irrefutably original cause of death!
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