C’mon Hollywood: Make Some Sense! (SPOILERS)

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

SPOILER WARNING: I will be discussing major aspects of both PROMETHEUS and SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. Read at your own risk.

It’s happened to all of us; We sit there, watching a movie, getting into it, enjoying ourselves for the most part until something happens that makes no sense whatsoever, taking us completely out of the film. We throw our arms up in the air, our faces scrunched up like we just sucked on a lemon. Then comes the slow, disapproving nod, followed by the immortal words…what the f*ck?

Logic. There are many different definitions for it, but the one I’m focusing on here is reason or sound judgment, as in utterances or actions. As moviegoers we are able to suspend disbelief to a high level, allowing us to enjoy stories that are obviously contrived, but still convincing in the realm they’ve created.

However, there are some unforgivable occurrences in MANY films that simply defy all forms of logic. Instances that occur in a way that simply would not, under any circumstances, really happen. It’s those moments, where the viewer steps off the plank of acceptance and into the murky waters of bullshit.

I could list a string of films that have moments like this and I know you can, too. However, I’m going to focus my sights on two of the most recent examples I’ve seen.

Let’s start with PROMETHEUS. Everyone was excited to see Ridley Scott return to the “alien” world, and having scripter Damon Lindelof on board seemed like an inspired choice. I enjoyed PROMETHEUS enough to see it twice, but its pretty full of shit. Here’s why: The film is science fiction, which is “similar to, but differs from fantasy in that, within the context of the story, its imaginary elements are largely possible within scientifically established or scientifically postulated laws of nature.”

There are several moments in PROMETHEUS that defy this definition and border on the absurd. I’m no scientist, but have endured enough courses in various fields of science to know that the actions of the ones in PROMETHEUS are not only illogical, but completely f*cking boneheaded.

Here’s a list of offenses that make no sense within the context of the story, the characters, or real science; Scientists taking their helmets off, because their “readings” say the air is breathable; Scientists being informed of their mission AFTER they awake from cryosleep, because who wouldn’t enlist in a gig that takes away 8-10 years of your life (or your entire life) without knowing what you’re doing?; Scientists trying to pet something that looks like an alien cobra and calling it “baby.”:

The list goes on and on. I enjoyed PROMETHEUS for all its ambiguity. However, there are far too many illogical moments that it comes off as bad ‘80s sci-fi than a refined piece of work from an auteur.

The other film that left me with handprints on my forehead was SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN. As a fantasy film it’s easy to forgive many things, but that’s not the problem. When it comes down to character actions, it’s like the movie took a step into shitty fan fiction. Firstly, we’re meant to believe that Snow White is kept in a tower for something like 8 years and still has white teeth, red lips, and athletic ability that defies all odds. She must’ve gotten three square meals a day and extra gym time in the dungeon, right?

The most inconceivable point of the film is when Snow White takes command of an army (because a girl who was imprisoned at age 10 and kept in solitude all her life is completely fit to lead an army) and sets off to the castle of her nemesis, Ravenna, in a glorious beach-set charge. Ravenna has her own army respond in kind by shooting fireballs from trebuchets, which explode on impact and kill tons of men. When they finally reach the gate, Snow White races in to fight Ravenna (with ZERO combat experience) and is constantly slashed at by the Queen’s men. So, what’s the problem you ask?

Ravenna needs to consume Snow White’s BEATING HEART in order to attain immortality. Now, let’s say one of those fire mortars hit Snow White in the middle of her charge on the beach and killed her instantly. Or say she gets to the castle, only to have her head lopped off by one of the Queen’s men. That would denote Snow White’s heart stops beating and that Ravenna is the dumbest bitch on the planet. After she spends the whole damn movie trying to capture Snow White alive, in the end she hits the “f*ck it” button and plays Russian roulette with her immortality, leaving me wincing like I just saw a trailer for Battlefield Earth 2.

The thing is, we accept a lot as an audience. We eat a lot of shit sandwiches to get to the chocolaty dessert and it just gets to be too much to swallow. With millions of dollars at work is it too much to ask for some common sense and logic? A big budget is not an excuse for a small characterization. It’s high time Hollywood realized that. The popular saying “check your brain at the door” is an impossible task. My brain is coming with me into that f*cking movie and I’m going to use it no matter how much it’s suggested I don’t.