Nicolas Cage stars as a big game tracker in the batsh*t-sounding Primal

October 13th 2017, 2:30pm

Last Updated on July 30, 2021

Look, I'm going to try to dispense with the "Nicolas Cage is so in debt, he'll do anything" joke. It's hackneyed, even if it seems to be true. Case in point, the upcoming film PRIMAL about…well…here's the official synopsis:

The film will see Cage as Frank Walsh, a legendary big game tracker who works to capture exotic creatures for zoos. He's sailing on a Greek shipping freighter with his his latest haul of animals, including a rare white jaguar from the Amazon. Trouble strikes when Richard Loffler, a political assassin secretly being extradited back to the US on the ship, escapes his guards and releases the animals.

On the one hand, that sounds like it could be pretty badass. UNDER SIEGE but with Cage in the Segal role, actually punching bears in the face, insead of the other way around? Sign me the fuck up! However, on the other hand, this is going to be some quickie VOD nonsense with Asylum-level CGI that you ignore while scrolling through your streaming service or roll your eyes at while glancing at a local Red Box.

I'd love to be proven wrong though! So what do you Schmoes think? Sound off below!