Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Channing Tatum!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are

shithouse.

The

Defendant

Channing Tatum

The

Case

The Prosecution: Most of his career*

Ladies and gentleman of the jury, one of the first names brought up for Movie Jail consideration when this idea came to fruition was Tanning

Chatum (it’s just more fun to say it that way). And after reading the jury’s comments and suggestions over the past few months, we noticed that Mr. Chatum was brought

up quite frequently. We can’t think of a better candidate for Movie Jail than a guy who’s acting makes Ashton Kutchner look like Daniel Day Lewis. Mr. Chatum must have

something illicit on a studio executive to keep getting work because we can’t figure out why or how his popularity has sustained for so long. We get it, he’s got abs

and broad shoulders and dreamy eyes that all the ladies (and some dudes) love, but his acting is terrible, and he lacks any on screen charisma whatsoever. So why let this man

continue to pollute our screens as he has for the past few years? Before anymore of his nonsense makes its way to our eyeballs, let’s throw this pretty boy in a cell with

Nasty Nate for a few years to see if that doesn’t do the boy some good.

The Defense: 21 Jump Street, Magic Mike, The Eagle, The Son of One, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Haywire*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, it seems the prosecution has feelings they’re trying to suppress for Tanning Chatum (okay, we admit, it’s fun to

say). We accept you, but you have to accept yourself. Now, we can partially agree that Mr. Chatum leaves a bit to be desired when it comes to his acting chops, but

he’s still a young up and comer, and like our assessment of Kristen

Stewart, we still think the defendant has plenty of time and opportunity to grow as an actor. Why lock him up if he hasn’t, in our opinion, reached his

full potential? For now, he looks to be filling a role in Hollywood and is pretty successful at it. We humbly ask the jury for a dismissal so we can give the lad a

few more movies before tossing him in Movie Jail.

IN

CLOSING…

So, what’s to be done with Tanning Chatum? Is his conviction long over due? Does he still need time to develop as an actor?

And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Tanning Chatum GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?

Let’s

hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so

relax.

WHAT SAY YOU,

NOT?

LAST WEEK’S

VERDICT

It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Kevin Smith
NOT GUILTY of all charges. In one of the most feedback’d (that’s a word right?) trials so far, the pro Smith jury voted for his acquital by almost a 3 to 1

marging, pointing to the dedication he has to his fans, and the fact that the man simply has done more good than harm with his career, despite a rocky couple years.