Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Kevin Costner!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood

shithouse.

The

Defendant

Kevin Costner

The

Case

The Prosecution: Swing Vote, The Guardian, The Upside of Anger, Dragonfly, Rumor Has It, Message in a Bottle, For Love of the Game, The Company Men*

You might be surprised by Mr. Costner being thrown on trial, but his name has been brought up here and there and we think we can make a good case for his conviction. First off, what happened to this guy? The man started things off with a bang, basically taking the proverbial bull by the horns and forcing himself into leading man territory with 1987’s The Untouchables as Elliot Ness. He then went on to own the late 80s and early 90s, but somewhere around 1997’s The Postman (a so-so film), Costner lost his footing and wound up in romantic comedy territory. Up until then Mr. Costner had the 1-2 punch of leading man looks and charm, with overall “man’s man” credibility. So did he lean on his looks for the last part of the 90s and into the oughts? We think so. Since then he’s had a few moments with bringing the Hatfield and McCoys to the small screen, a nice turn in Mr. Brooks and while The Company Men was a decent movie, that was more of an ensemble performance than a great Kevin Costner performance. The prosecution feels it’s time to throw Mr. Costner in a Scared Straight situation to get him back on the track of righteousness once again.

The Defense: Wyatt Earp, Dances With Wolves, A Perfect World, No Way Out, Bull Durham, Field of Dreams, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, The Untouchables, The Bodyguard, JFK, Silverado, A Perfect World*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense feels Mr. Costner has simply done more good than bad. This is no different than our cases

against Val

Kilmer, Nic

Cage, and John

Travolta. These are all solid actors who’ve had some ups and downs in their career and at the end of the day, were convicted of no crime. And

we think the same should be said for Mr. Kevin Costner. His run from 1987 and 1997 is so

impressive, we’re wondering why the hell Mr. Costner is even on trial. His creepy role in Mr. Brooks was a nice change of pace and his move into producing an Emmy award winning miniseries shows that he’s branching out into other avenues. Seriously, the prosecution needs to get its shit together.

IN

CLOSING…

So, what’s to be done with Mr. Kevin Cosnter? Could he benefit from a year or two in Movie Jail? Is his legacy solid enough to escape prosecution? And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Kevin Costner GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Let’s hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so

relax.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR

NOT?

LAST WEEK’S

VERDICT

In what could be the closest decision in Movie Jail History, the court finds Roland Emmerich

NOT GUILTY of all charges. Early on, the jury was definitely swayed by the defense’s argument that Mr. Emmerich’s films were non-sensical horseshit, but late in deliberation, the overall love of Independence Day and the willingness to forgive said “horseshit”, was enought to tip the votes just slightly to a 22-26 acquittal of charges.