Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Keanu Reeves!

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are

shithouse.

The

Defendant

Keanu Reeves

The

Case

The Prosecution: The Day the Earth Stood Still, The Lake House, Hardball, Sweet November, Johnny Mnemonic, Feeling Minnesota, The Watcher,

Henry’s Crime, Chain Reaction, A Walk in the Clouds*

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, having just recently gone through The Matrix Trilogy again, we were struck by a few things. Firstly, there

might not have been anyone more perfect for the Neo role, despite Mr. Reeves’ sub par acting chops. In fact, he’s so damn awful in a lot of movies, we wonder how

he’s lasted this long to begin with. Secondly, the lack of visibility Mr. Keanu Reeves has played in his career recently has us wondering if he’s not some kind of

Movie Jail Fugitive. Going through his most recent films, he’s only done two features in the past few years (minus documentaries) and has another coming out in

2013. Shit, the only thing Mr. Reeves has been notorious for in some years is the Sad Keanu meme. Is this a

legacy worth protecting? We think Mr. Reeves’ incarceration is a long time coming, and hope the jury agrees.

The Defense: The Matrix Trilogy, The Devil’s Advocate, Constantine, A Scanner Darkly, Bill & Ted 1 & 2, Thumbsucker, The Replacements

(guilty pleasure), Speed, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Point Break, Speed*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, it’s Keanu fucking Reeves. At this point, we know what we’re getting with Mr. Reeves. The audience knows that and

Hollywood knows that. So, if Mr. Reeves gives the audience what they want, what’s the crime? Mr. Reeves has shown that he can do pretty well in various genres like

Speed, The Devil’s Advocate, Thumbsucker and let’s not forget, he’s responsible for one of the greatest series of movies ever. No, not The

Matrix Trilogy, Bill & Ted! So, let’s leave Mr. Reeves alone. He’s got his own lonely bench in the world, so let’s leave him be.

IN

CLOSING…

So, what’s to be done with Keanu Reeves? Is it about time we throw his lack of emotion ass in jail? Since he obviously has fans and has been

successful so far, does that deserve an immediate acquittal?

And the

most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into

consideration, we ask

you The Jury, is Keanu Reeves GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?

Let’s

hear YOUR

arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so

relax.

WHAT SAY YOU,

NOT?

LAST WEEK’S

VERDICT

It is the jury’s decision that after reviewing

last week’s evidence, the court finds Cuba Gooding Jr.

GUILTY of all charges. While Mr. Gooding Jr. didn’t have the luck of fellow straight to DVD star Val Kilmer did, there were a few brave souls who did vote for his acquittal. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to keep the Radio

out of jail, and he’ll be spending his remaining Hollywood career in the darkest corners of Movie Jail, contemplating where it all went wrong.