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Face-Off: Ash Vs. Tallahassee

01.21.2013by: Mike Catalano
Our last Face-Off bled forth some pretty interesting consensuses. It seemed that even though Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning was the superior film, many still had a weird place in their heart for Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. I wonder how the latest flick would factor into this equation.

Now, with Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters coming out this Friday, we decided to pit a pair of bad-ass (and human) hunters of horror-related hellions up against each other. And these two just happen to be my top two favorite monster mashers! So, grab your chainsaws and twinkies and prepare to witness Evil Dead's Ash Vs. Zombieland's Tallahassee!

Weaponry
Of course Ash has his trusty boom stick for blasting away the competition: "The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington... S-Mart's top of the line." But we all know his greatest weapon of choice is something very close to him, so close in fact, it's attached! Yes, I'm talking about the mother-f*ckin' chainsaw hand that Ash is forced to take on in Evil Dead II. I can't think of a more bad ass piece of weaponry than a huge friggin' chainsaw that you actually attach to your freakin' hand! Groovy!
What's cool about Tallahassee is he ain't picky. He'll take a shotgun, machine gun, blow torch or banjo as long as it'll kill any zombies that come running his way. He really enjoys it too. The dude unloads his violence with a tenacious ferocity as he mows down hordes of undead. Still, none of his weapons can top what Ash has got locked onto his right arm.
Best Kill
One of the wackiest instances of the Evil Dead films is in Army of Darkness when Ash's double literally grows out from him. Of course this "double" is his evil twin and gleefully smacks him around. He is also incredibly annoying while taunting Ash with "You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes!" You think we're going to be stuck with this asshole for a while until Ash at once rips out his shotgun and disposes of his evil doppelganger with a swift blast to the face. It's short, sweet, and so f*cking Ash! And the line he delivers immediately following the kill is aces (and in the next category).
Tallahassee definitely makes killing zombies a slam-bang work of art. He's got a slew of cool kills in the flick, from a banjo bludgeoning to a roller coaster shooting gallery. However, I feel his best bump off occurs towards the end when he locks himself inside a prize booth as a horde of zombies come closing in. He's a sitting duck, or so you'd think! He whips out his guns, lines up a couple sets of bullet clips, and goes the f*ck to town! This kill rocks because 1) Tallahassee does trick shots with his guns, 2) he is helping Columbus save sexy Emma Stone, and 3) he actually kills them all and survives!
Best quotes
I find it hard to think up a man more adept at delivering great quotes better than The Chin, himself. Here is just a taste of the magic:

"The name's Ash. Housewares."

"See this? This is my BOOM STICK!"

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun."

"Yo, she-bitch. Let's go."

Tallahassee is by far the most quotable quotient in Zombieland. Have a look at some of his best zingers:

"Youíre a peppy little spitfuck arenít ya?"

"Iím not easy to get along with and Iím sensing youíre a bit of a bitch."

"Time to nut up or shut up."

Hilarity
It's just a friggin' fact that Bruce Campbell is a master of physical comedy. Whether he's getting tripped up by tiny versions of himself, being sprayed by gallons of blood, and doing a Three Stooges routine with a bunch of skeletal arms, the funny is always brought in droves. His face is like that of a cartoon character as well and he definitely knows how to contort it hilariously. The Evil Dead trilogy could truly be considered a one-man comedy show because of The Chin!
Woody Harrelson is an absolute hoot here, mixing some physical comedy with just the right amount of self-awareness. His digs at the scrawnier Columbus are always great fodder for chuckles and his continuous taunting of the zombies will have you rolling. And his high point of hilarity comes upon coming into contact and fawning all over the legendary Bill Murray (his old Kingpin costar)! "Bill F*cking Murray!!!"
Badassness
We actually get to see Ash's full evolution into bad ass throughout the Evil Dead trilogy. If you recall, in the first one, he was more scared than rarin' to kick some ass. That definitely changed once he got attached to his trusty chainsaw in the second one. By the time Army of Darkness hit, he was fully transformed into a bad ass of super hero proportions! He takes on the undead, monsters, witches, all creatures that should be easily able to dispatch of a single S-Mart employee, yet Ash stomps over all of them... and still has time to tell a beautiful damsel, "Give me some sugar, baby."
Make no mistake, Tallahassee is not someone to be f*cked with. He's tough, he loves guns, he drinks when he drives, and he has nothing to lose. If it wasn't for him, his three fellow travelers would not have made it out of Zombieland alive. However, he can be easily tricked out of losing his means of transportation and has a big time weakness for Twinkies.
Ash
"Hail to the King, baby!" I guess it's pretty tough to take down a classic legend, even though Tallahassee is still pretty damn awesome. So, it may stink that this ended up being a blowout, but seriously, how could anyone defeat the one-man punching, blasting, mugging wrecking force that is Ash Williams?! The Chin is quite simply the man! Anyone got a problem with that? Is so, then use your boom stick of a mouth and shoot them bullets below! And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at mikecatalano@joblo.com.

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