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It's the Booze Talkin': My X-Mas Horror Movie Wish List

Dec. 18, 2012by: Ammon Gilbert

With a week to go until the big man comes stumbling down the chimney to drop off a bunch of loot for all the good kids, Iím starting to drink even more than usual (it is the holidays, after all). And with all this booze flowing through my veins and greed pulsing from my heart, Iím starting to face a sad but honest truth: of all the shit I want for X-Mas this year, what I want the most is better slate of horror movies. Thatís right, I said it. I want better horror than what weíve been getting lately. I want every experience to be that CABIN IN THE WOODS experience, not the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 4 experience that weíre used to. But donít worry. I have a detailed list of specific shit I want to see in the genre in 2013 for Santa to browse and deliver, and by-golly, if he doesnít, I donít know what Iíll do. Probably drink more, thatís what. And I donít know if my liver can take much more of this.

For starters, I want more original, R rated horror. Look at the highlights of 2012: THE CABIN IN THE WOODS and SINISTER. Both films did something different to two tired sub-genres, breathing new and exciting life into each of them in different ways, thus delivering a couple of quality horror flicks that were both fresh and exciting. Thatís what we need more of around here. Horror movies that arenít afraid to push the envelope, that arenít afraid to go all hardcore and keep their R rating, and that are not afraid of thinking outside the box, even if weíve been to the box a few times before. Thereís always a different take on tired sub-genres and goddamn, I want more of that shite!

And while weíre on the subject of R rated horror, letís be clear on what Iím looking for here: boobs and blood. Thatís it. Call me simple, or un-original, or what have you, but thatís what Iím talking about when I say I want R rated horror. I like swearing, sure, but if a movie is packed with boobies and the red sauce, I wonít be worried if the movie is using curse words enough. If TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 3D can do anything right, itís to provide ample of both. Live up to the f*cking namesake and make it awesome. While Iím not a big fan of 3D, when itís used in schlocky horror movies like this, Iím all about that shit. Now as long as thereís some 3D boobage and blood splatter, then go ahead and cal TCM 3D a bonafide hit delivered by the big man himself.

I know this is supposed to be a wish list of sorts of things I want Santa to bring me in the new year, but whatís a wish list without mentioning a few things that I donít want to see under the horror tree in 2012. Donít bring me any more bullshit found-footage movies. Iím sick of that shit. No more shaky cam, no more idiotic characters sitting around a haunted house holding a video camera when they should be getting the f*ck outta Dodge without a goddamn camera rolling, no more umpteenth sequels to a franchise thatís dead and tired. Ok, itís obvious Iím talking about the PARANORMAL ACTIVITY franchise here, but what the f*ck? Part 4 disappointed even the biggest fans of the series, so just quit while youíre ahead. We donít need another SAW franchise that goes about 2 movies (or more) than necessary. Letís find another franchise to branch off of for the Halloween season and leave PARANORMAL ACTIVITY the f*ck alone.

Maybe itís the booze talkiní, but all I want for X-Mas this year is a slate of original, boob and blood infested R rated horror movies that arenít remakes, that arenít crappy sequels, and that arenít shaky cam found-footage bullshit. The contenders out there so far appear to be on the right track, including a couple of godforsaken remakes/sequels (TCM 3D, THE EVIL DEAD), but at least their heart seems to be in the right place. If they end up being splatterfests that live up to their respective franchises, then it would appear that Santa is gearing up to grant my wish. But I want more than just two awesome flicks in the new year, I want a whole f*ckload of awesome, so maybe THE LORDS OF SALEM will be great, or maybe THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT 2: GHOSTS OF GEORGIAÖ nah, Iím just f*ckiní with you. That looks like a goddamn travesty and a half. So please Santa, hook a brotha up with some genre goodness this year. Iíve been good this yearÖ mostly.

MERRY F*CKING CHRISTMAS!

Extra Tidbit: What kind of horror do you want Santa to bring for 2013?

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+1
7:46PM on 12/19/2012
We need a whole lot more originality . While I'm down for both CARRIE and THE EVIL DEAD , I'm really getting tired of unwanted sequels (THE COLLECTION , gets a pass here . damn good flick ) and remakes that do nothing but taint the source material . Bring on more fare like '' LOVELY MOLLY '' , '' RED WHITE AND BLUE '' , '' EXCISION '' and '' AMERICAN MARY ''
We need a whole lot more originality . While I'm down for both CARRIE and THE EVIL DEAD , I'm really getting tired of unwanted sequels (THE COLLECTION , gets a pass here . damn good flick ) and remakes that do nothing but taint the source material . Bring on more fare like '' LOVELY MOLLY '' , '' RED WHITE AND BLUE '' , '' EXCISION '' and '' AMERICAN MARY ''
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2:30AM on 12/19/2012
I agree that the PA films suck and I HATE the found footage subgenre(I didn't even like Blair Witch, no idea why people love that damn film so much) they're just painful to watch. I am actually looking forward to the remakes next year though, Evil Dead and Carrie both have pretty good potential, i'm shocked that there's actually a sequel to HIC though, the first one sucked bad enough, I don't even wanna know how bad this one will be.
I agree that the PA films suck and I HATE the found footage subgenre(I didn't even like Blair Witch, no idea why people love that damn film so much) they're just painful to watch. I am actually looking forward to the remakes next year though, Evil Dead and Carrie both have pretty good potential, i'm shocked that there's actually a sequel to HIC though, the first one sucked bad enough, I don't even wanna know how bad this one will be.
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2:27AM on 12/19/2012
I agree that the PA films suck and I HATE the found footage subgenre(I didn't even like Blair Witch, no idea why people love that damn film so much) they're just painful to watch. I am actually looking forward to the remakes next year though, Evil Dead and Carrie both have pretty good potential, i'm shocked that there's actually a sequel to HIC though, the first one sucked bad enough, I don't even wanna know how bad this one will be.
I agree that the PA films suck and I HATE the found footage subgenre(I didn't even like Blair Witch, no idea why people love that damn film so much) they're just painful to watch. I am actually looking forward to the remakes next year though, Evil Dead and Carrie both have pretty good potential, i'm shocked that there's actually a sequel to HIC though, the first one sucked bad enough, I don't even wanna know how bad this one will be.
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+1
11:20PM on 12/18/2012
I stopped reading when you wrote that Sinister was original. Dude you lost serious cred right there...
I stopped reading when you wrote that Sinister was original. Dude you lost serious cred right there...
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11:18PM on 12/18/2012
I stopped reading when you wrote that Sinister was original. Dude you lost serious cred right there...
I stopped reading when you wrote that Sinister was original. Dude you lost serious cred right there...
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1:40PM on 12/18/2012
Ammon, I agree with your points. American horror would benefit by providing more R-rated movies. Make our horror horrifying, and shock us a bit. Swearing does not count as that shocking. I have seen too many films, especially found-footies, that rely on "naughty" language for a bad-ass rating or feeling. Furthermore, the found-footage style is waaaaaay overused. We audiences should get only GOOD found-footage films. They should not be the current way that the lazy or untalented produce a horror
Ammon, I agree with your points. American horror would benefit by providing more R-rated movies. Make our horror horrifying, and shock us a bit. Swearing does not count as that shocking. I have seen too many films, especially found-footies, that rely on "naughty" language for a bad-ass rating or feeling. Furthermore, the found-footage style is waaaaaay overused. We audiences should get only GOOD found-footage films. They should not be the current way that the lazy or untalented produce a horror movie. Other better stuff could play at the cineplex or could beckon from the video store shelf.
Maybe, your words are the booze talkin', but you are also right.
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5:59PM on 12/18/2012
Blood and boobs, that's what I'm looking for. And yes, I agree, found footage should be used sparingly, not all the time. Now it's used as an excuse for movies that don't have a budget. No money? Make it for cheap as a found footage movie! Sadly though, they rarely end up being all that good.
Blood and boobs, that's what I'm looking for. And yes, I agree, found footage should be used sparingly, not all the time. Now it's used as an excuse for movies that don't have a budget. No money? Make it for cheap as a found footage movie! Sadly though, they rarely end up being all that good.
9:22AM on 12/18/2012
***SPOILER ALERT*** ***SPOILER ALERT*** ***SPOILER ALERT***
Extra tidbit: Maybe this is just me but I like horror movies that have "twist" ending, i.e. Thomas Jane killing his whole family in The Mist, Rose Byrne finds out what happens to her husband in Insidious, etc. This kind of ending has a good ominous effect on horror movies.
***SPOILER ALERT*** ***SPOILER ALERT*** ***SPOILER ALERT***
Extra tidbit: Maybe this is just me but I like horror movies that have "twist" ending, i.e. Thomas Jane killing his whole family in The Mist, Rose Byrne finds out what happens to her husband in Insidious, etc. This kind of ending has a good ominous effect on horror movies.
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2:50PM on 12/18/2012
There was a time I felt this way but now I feel like it's just so overused I end up being so disappointed. I feel it's fast becoming a cliche in itself. I get horror should be ominous and when done right it can be a doozy of an ending (The Mist took me days to recover I found it so effective) but sometimes there should be a bit of hope.
For me it depends on what type of ending should best fit the movie itself rather than sequel opportunities or writer's unable to get themselves out of their
There was a time I felt this way but now I feel like it's just so overused I end up being so disappointed. I feel it's fast becoming a cliche in itself. I get horror should be ominous and when done right it can be a doozy of an ending (The Mist took me days to recover I found it so effective) but sometimes there should be a bit of hope.
For me it depends on what type of ending should best fit the movie itself rather than sequel opportunities or writer's unable to get themselves out of their own plot cul-de-sac. I'm open to them just not every movie....
6:02PM on 12/18/2012
You both make great points on the twist endings. On one hand, they can be incredibly effective. But when done too much, or when they get twisty at the end just for the sake of being twisty, things get stale and boring. THE MIST and INSIDIOUS both ended amazingly. And even the reveal in CABIN IN THE WOODS was pretty awesome. Twists are dope... boobs and blood are too. =)
You both make great points on the twist endings. On one hand, they can be incredibly effective. But when done too much, or when they get twisty at the end just for the sake of being twisty, things get stale and boring. THE MIST and INSIDIOUS both ended amazingly. And even the reveal in CABIN IN THE WOODS was pretty awesome. Twists are dope... boobs and blood are too. =)
6:29PM on 12/18/2012
Haha, yeah, blood and boobs too. Those are a-must!
Haha, yeah, blood and boobs too. Those are a-must!
2:30AM on 12/19/2012
Personally I don't really care for those types of endings for the most part, I thought the ending to The Mist was incredibly stupid and contrived, so I was not surprised to learn that it was not in the novel, it felt like Darabont was trying way too hard to be shocking and just came as looking incredibly asinine instead. Insidious was just a total crapfest, not scary at all, stupid plot twist, bad acting, terrible FX, a huge step backwards for James Wan.
Personally I don't really care for those types of endings for the most part, I thought the ending to The Mist was incredibly stupid and contrived, so I was not surprised to learn that it was not in the novel, it felt like Darabont was trying way too hard to be shocking and just came as looking incredibly asinine instead. Insidious was just a total crapfest, not scary at all, stupid plot twist, bad acting, terrible FX, a huge step backwards for James Wan.
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