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It's the Booze Talkin': F*ck Scary Movie 5! Give us the sequels we want!

Apr. 22, 2013by: Ammon Gilbert

Last week a horrific inevitability shook cinemas across the nation: the release of SCARY MOVIE 5. Yet another sequel to a tired-out spoof franchise that no one seemed to be asking for, and yet.. they went ahead and made it anyway, and were actually able to cast some big stars, like Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, and Snoop Lion even made an appearance. And like every SCARY MOVIE before it (except for maybe the first), it was repetitively stupid, and painful for most people to sit through. Which got me thinking why are we getting a sequel to a franchise no one gives two f*cks about? Why arent we getting sequels to movies that we actually want to see???

Last summers sleeper hit was a little movie called DREDD. It made less than a tiny ripple at the box office, but it appeared to have legs on video, and just about every person who has seen really liked it. Its fun! Its brutally violent! And lets face it, NAME NAME is the shit! And yet, when rumors sparked a little while back that there was the possibility of a sequel in the works, the rumors were more or less immediately shot down. Studios arent willing to put forth the money for a sequel, and no one is particularly on board except for Karl Urban himself. If any movie needed and deserved a sequel, its DREDD just think of the different adventures and ass-kicking crime-fighting the dude still has in him. Comic super heroes are hot right now, right??? Why not give DREDD another shot? PUNISHER got a sequel! But no, it appears its not meant to be yet we get another SCARY MOVIE???

Guillermo del Toro is hard at work finishing up PACIFIC RIM, this summers biggest tent pole movie, yet the guy still has a soft spot for his previous ass-kicking hero franchise: HELLBOY. HELLBOY 2 left fans thirsty for more, it seemed to do decent at the box office, and everyone from Ron Perlman on down appear to be down for another go at it. But will we be seeing a sequel anytime soon? Nope. In fact, del Toro and Perlman have both come out in a round about way and have shot down any inclining that another entry in the HELLBOY franchise will ever happen. Too much on del Toros plate? Not enough interest? Too much budget to realistically make back at the box office? Quite possibly all of the above. But Ill tell you one thing: Id rather see another HELLBOY movie, as would most people, than have to sit through another SCARY MOVIE. So what sequel do we get? A SCARY MOVIE sequel, of course!

I wasnt a huge fan of Platinum Dunes FRIDAY THE 13TH remake, but I can acknowledge that it had potential to be awesome, and if they made a sequel, Id be more than happy to throw down $10 to see it in the theaters. As soon as it came out in 2009, rumblings that a sequel was in the works was already at play. But thats just it theyve never amounted to anything more than just rumblings. Rumors of a sequel in the snow floated about (awesome!), about a sequel that was 100% original and not a remake at all was on everyones breathe (awesome!), yet Platinum Dunes has more or less come out and said that it will never happen, and that its been shelved indefinitely. WTF??? Jason Voorhees has so much more to offer the world, and yet no new adventures are on the horizon? A goddamn shame.

Then theres the fate of Michael Myers. Rob Zombie had his way with him for 2 surprisingly successful movies, and word on the street is that writer/director team Todd Farmer and Patrick Lussier were on board for a HALLOWEEN 3D, and a script and everything all ready to go. And after months of it being toyed around with, the project has been more or less snuffed out for good. This is a time of 3D mania, where schlocky horror like PIRANHA 3D is a success, where a movie featuring one of the most recognizable movie maniacs of all time would be coming at you in the third dimension. Hell, they did it with TEXAS CHAINSAW 3D, why the hell couldnt they do it with HALLOWEEN? Oh, thats right, because they were too busy greenlighting SCARY MOVIE 5, a movie that no one in their right mind would want to see.

Maybe its the booze talkin, but out of all the potential sequels we have out there, the one we get is SCARY MOVIE 5 and that is some serious bullshit! Give me a DREDD 2, a HELLBOY 3, a FRIDAY THE 13h PART 2, or a HALLOWEEN 3D any day of the f*cking week before giving us such ridiculous garbage as SCARY MOVIE 5. Luckily, it didnt do all that well at the box office its opening weekend, and hopefully it winds up being a complete bomb as the weeks go on, but since it only cost like $20M to make, Im sure its seen as a success in the studios eyes, and hell, they probably want another one. F*ck that! Give us a sequel we actually want!

Extra Tidbit: What sequels are you waiting for? I also want a sequel to MY BLOODY VALENTINE!

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8:40PM on 09/12/2013
I completely agree about Friday the 13th. Well I didn't much like the film it was a massive success and it has been 4 years since that film was released. The fans want more Jason and now Paramount owns the rights for the next few years. Give us a new film. The film made nearly 5 times its budget which was 19 million dollars.

The sequel I'm waiting for and many people like me want is Phantasm 5. I'm very surprised it didn't make this list.
I completely agree about Friday the 13th. Well I didn't much like the film it was a massive success and it has been 4 years since that film was released. The fans want more Jason and now Paramount owns the rights for the next few years. Give us a new film. The film made nearly 5 times its budget which was 19 million dollars.

The sequel I'm waiting for and many people like me want is Phantasm 5. I'm very surprised it didn't make this list.
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2:41AM on 04/24/2013
They made all those SC sequels because they were cheap to make and pretty much guranteed to do good business at the box-office regardless of critical reception, so I understand things from a business perspective. Whether you want to admit or not, people do want to see them, and i'm one of them. I will freely admit to liking all of the films, go ahead and call me insane but what can I say? everyone's sense of humor is different and I happened to find Scary Movie 5 pretty funny(especially the
They made all those SC sequels because they were cheap to make and pretty much guranteed to do good business at the box-office regardless of critical reception, so I understand things from a business perspective. Whether you want to admit or not, people do want to see them, and i'm one of them. I will freely admit to liking all of the films, go ahead and call me insane but what can I say? everyone's sense of humor is different and I happened to find Scary Movie 5 pretty funny(especially the opening scene)

Also, Piranha #d was not "schlocky" at all, it was awesome.

Dredd failed for a variety of reasons(almost no 2-D showings, little brand recognition in the U.S., being released the same weekend as End Of Watch), I loved the film, but I can't say i'm surprised it's not getting a sequel.

I wouldn't worry too much about Halloween or F13, i'm sure they'll get new films soon enough, i'm also hoping for a sequel to the Night On Elm Street remake, which got way too much hate, Jackie Earl Haley made an excellent Freddie.
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12:42PM on 04/23/2013
New Friday the 13th Idea:
Bring back Corey Feldman as a grown Tommy Jarvis who has been training himself (think Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins) to combat Jason. He is backed by a mysterious, wheelchair-bound benefactor who keeps him funded and connected. Tommy and Jason have a few good fights but can't finish each other off. Half way through the movie, Tommy tracks Jason back to Crystal Lake. Tommy draws back a bow and arrow, targeting something. We cut to the final scene of Friday12 where Jason
New Friday the 13th Idea:
Bring back Corey Feldman as a grown Tommy Jarvis who has been training himself (think Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins) to combat Jason. He is backed by a mysterious, wheelchair-bound benefactor who keeps him funded and connected. Tommy and Jason have a few good fights but can't finish each other off. Half way through the movie, Tommy tracks Jason back to Crystal Lake. Tommy draws back a bow and arrow, targeting something. We cut to the final scene of Friday12 where Jason pops out of the water to attack Padalecki/Righetti and instead of it cutting the scene off like F12 did, it continues with the arrow cutting Jason down and Tommy rescuing the Miller kids. We realize that these franchises have been taking place simultaneously and F12 was not a remake but rather a proper sequel. Now the Millers are brought in by Tommy to help hunt and kill Jason. Tommy uses brute force but also his fascination for special effects/movie makeup as methods for fighting his enemy. Oh yeah, and the mysterious benefactor is Elias Voorhees, Jason's long-lost father, a man living in regret due to his guilt surrounding the years of spousal abuse he put Pamela Voorhees through, feeling directly responsible for creating this monster.
That's what I wanna see.
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3:56PM on 04/23/2013
You sir, are a genius. Somebody hire this guy to write the sequel!
You sir, are a genius. Somebody hire this guy to write the sequel!
8:37PM on 09/12/2013
I like this idea however the "remake" which in your world is actually another sequel however that film had Jason taking hostages something that has never once happened before. The story would be completely all over the place.
I like this idea however the "remake" which in your world is actually another sequel however that film had Jason taking hostages something that has never once happened before. The story would be completely all over the place.
4:48PM on 04/22/2013

def a 3rd hellboy

really want them to finish the trilogy, the first two were really good and fun movies and after ron put the suit back on for the little boy in the hospital and it got him wanting to do another one, this should be a no brainer
really want them to finish the trilogy, the first two were really good and fun movies and after ron put the suit back on for the little boy in the hospital and it got him wanting to do another one, this should be a no brainer
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3:57PM on 04/23/2013
Maybe after PACIFIC RIM does really good, del Toro will have free reign to jump into another HELLBOY movie. We can dream, sir!
Maybe after PACIFIC RIM does really good, del Toro will have free reign to jump into another HELLBOY movie. We can dream, sir!
1:57PM on 04/22/2013

HUGE MISSED OPPORTUNITY

I can not believe that the studios didnt plan to release a Friday the13th film THIS year! Theyve missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime! How cool would it have been to release the "13TH" (this would have been number 13), FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIE, ON FRIDAY THE 13TH, IN 2013!!!!!!!!! Morons!!!!!!
I can not believe that the studios didnt plan to release a Friday the13th film THIS year! Theyve missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime! How cool would it have been to release the "13TH" (this would have been number 13), FRIDAY THE 13TH MOVIE, ON FRIDAY THE 13TH, IN 2013!!!!!!!!! Morons!!!!!!
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3:17PM on 04/22/2013
Holy crap sir, I didn't even think of that! You're right... that would have bee AWESOME!
Holy crap sir, I didn't even think of that! You're right... that would have bee AWESOME!
1:53PM on 04/22/2013
Here Here! Very well said, great article. Could not agree more. It seems that Hollywood is hitting homeruns on the superhero front, however horror on the big screen has, for the most part, been pure garbage. Franchises that should be continuing are not, and ones that should burn to the ground are. Jason, Michael, Freddy, Pinhead, and Leatherface are to horror films what Superman, Batman, The Avengers, Spiderman and Wolverine are to comic book films. They truly are horror superheroes and
Here Here! Very well said, great article. Could not agree more. It seems that Hollywood is hitting homeruns on the superhero front, however horror on the big screen has, for the most part, been pure garbage. Franchises that should be continuing are not, and ones that should burn to the ground are. Jason, Michael, Freddy, Pinhead, and Leatherface are to horror films what Superman, Batman, The Avengers, Spiderman and Wolverine are to comic book films. They truly are horror superheroes and should be treated as such. They are timeless characters that are tons of fun, and can go in so many fun directions. Hollywood is getting very lazy and it shows. Don't get me wrong there are good films being put on the big screen today, however they are not the majority. Quality needs to return to big screen horror. I hope someone reads your article and gets a fucking clue because the mere fact that they released a scary movie 5, in my opinion, warrants actions that involve certain decision makers being kicked to the curb and never let back in the building.
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3:18PM on 04/22/2013
I loved your analogy of our favorite movie maniac franchises the same as the comic book movie franchises that studios are fifn' over right now! That pretty much sums it up!
I loved your analogy of our favorite movie maniac franchises the same as the comic book movie franchises that studios are fifn' over right now! That pretty much sums it up!
+10
12:15PM on 04/22/2013
Trick r Treat 2 would be nice . I'd love to see a Friday sequel , and I'm always down for more of Mr . Meyers . Hell , I'd rather see 5 more Paranormal Activity flicks than a piece of shit Scary Movie film .
Trick r Treat 2 would be nice . I'd love to see a Friday sequel , and I'm always down for more of Mr . Meyers . Hell , I'd rather see 5 more Paranormal Activity flicks than a piece of shit Scary Movie film .
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3:19PM on 04/22/2013
As sad as it is to say it, I'd agree with you... more from the tired PARANORMAL ACTIVITY franchise is way more welcomed than more from SCARY MOVIE!

And yes, another TRICK R TREAT would be tits, the great holiday of HALLOWEEN needs more movies based around it.
As sad as it is to say it, I'd agree with you... more from the tired PARANORMAL ACTIVITY franchise is way more welcomed than more from SCARY MOVIE!

And yes, another TRICK R TREAT would be tits, the great holiday of HALLOWEEN needs more movies based around it.
11:02AM on 04/22/2013

Bring F13 part II

I mean, its gotta be about money money money...
BUT F13 made a KILLING at the box office (delicious pun intended). Why not make a little more green off Camp Blood?
I mean, its gotta be about money money money...
BUT F13 made a KILLING at the box office (delicious pun intended). Why not make a little more green off Camp Blood?
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3:21PM on 04/22/2013
Yeah, money... but you're right--and that's the point. If any of the above-mentioned sequels were made, they'd make hella money! And if they put the time forth into making them GOOD, they'd make EVEN MORE!
Yeah, money... but you're right--and that's the point. If any of the above-mentioned sequels were made, they'd make hella money! And if they put the time forth into making them GOOD, they'd make EVEN MORE!
9:15AM on 04/22/2013
What I really want now is the sequel to Dredd. Such an underrated gem. Horror-wise, a sequel to the remake of Friday the 13th would be nice.
What I really want now is the sequel to Dredd. Such an underrated gem. Horror-wise, a sequel to the remake of Friday the 13th would be nice.
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3:22PM on 04/22/2013
In a world were execs are going nuts over Comic Book Movies, it's shocking that more DREDD isn't in full demand. DREDD was awesome... we need more!
In a world were execs are going nuts over Comic Book Movies, it's shocking that more DREDD isn't in full demand. DREDD was awesome... we need more!
7:32PM on 04/22/2013
Even if the sequel might turn out to be a motion-comic movie, I'd love to see that as well.
Even if the sequel might turn out to be a motion-comic movie, I'd love to see that as well.
8:34AM on 04/22/2013
I agree with all five of your suggestions. Let's have another Dredd, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Hellboy, and My Bloody Valentine. Let's have another Treat 'r Treat too. Scary Movie should add to the franchise only if part six is actually funny and bawdy like the first two. Otherwise, Scary Movie has become like the Police Academy in the 1980s. The first was funny as hell. The second was quite hilerious too. But, after that. . . . .
I agree with all five of your suggestions. Let's have another Dredd, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Hellboy, and My Bloody Valentine. Let's have another Treat 'r Treat too. Scary Movie should add to the franchise only if part six is actually funny and bawdy like the first two. Otherwise, Scary Movie has become like the Police Academy in the 1980s. The first was funny as hell. The second was quite hilerious too. But, after that. . . . .
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9:20AM on 04/22/2013
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege isn't that bad. It's possibly the best sequel in my opinion.
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege isn't that bad. It's possibly the best sequel in my opinion.
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