Awfully Good: Breaker! Breaker!
Our own departing Mike Sampson requested this gem and what better way to go out than on the muscular shoulders of Chuck Norris.
Breaker! Breaker! (1977)
Director: Don Hulette
Stars: Chuck Norris, Terry O'Connor, Fists
Is there a plot?
Chuck Norris literally beats up an entire town of rednecks to find his kidnapped brother.
What's the damage?
Awfully Good is no stranger to Chuck Norris. We've encountered the Bearded One multiple times, in both live action (LONE WOLF MCQUADE) and animated form (CHUCK NORRIS: KARATE KOMMANDOS). And this movie—which can only be described as a hillbilly, truck driving, martial arts epic—does not disappoint.
What you can't see below the frame is the child he has in a sleeper hold.
The most obvious thing to note is Norris' complete and utter lack of Beard™. It's incredibly disheartening to see Chuck clean-faced in one of his first starring roles, not to mention confusing. (Hint: He's the pasty Peter Fonda-looking guy.) But don't worry. Despite shaving what is most likely the source of all his power, Norris is still a force to be reckoned with in BREAKER! BREAKER!, as a few hundred stuntmen would soon find out.
You'd mess your pants too if you made eye contact with Walker, Texas Ranger.
There are two things you need to know about Norris' J.D. Dawes. ONE: The 40 year old man deeply loves his inexplicably 16 year old brother. (The way they wrestle and gingerly hold each other makes that love a little questionable, but we'll ignore it.) TWO: While Dawes' interests vary from arm wrestling to attractive single mothers, his biggest concern is justice.
If you somehow cross these two things…God help you. Actually, I'm not even sure God can help you. He'll have to ask Chuck Norris' permission first.
When Chuck Norris goes over the top, he also impregnates your wife.
So when Dawes' little bro is taken hostage by a small town run by a hillbilly cult (located in California, no less), the townsfolk don't know the grievous error they've just made. Faster than you can say "Jonathan Brandis in SIDEKICKS," Dawes dons his Denim Jacket of Justice and jumps in his Eagle Van of Righteousness to save the day. (He makes a pit stop to arm wrestle the Village People, but that couldn't be avoided.)
Legally I don't think it counts as a rape van if there's an eagle painted on the side.
What follows is a modern day western that pits Chuck Norris versus an entire community of rednecks. And I don't mean that figuratively, as in "The neighborhood watches as Dawes fights some henchmen." I mean our hero declares a one-man war against every single male resident of Texas City, California. When he feels like he hasn't received the welcome he deserves, Norris interrupts a town hall meeting to kick every single person's ass. (Maybe we should send him to visit Congress?) At some point over the course of the 84 minute movie, Dawes beats up pretty much the town's entire populace. There's a long sequence in the second act where he just walks the streets fighting everyone he sees, no matter how big or small they may be. And he roundhouse kicks them all despite wearing his tight Bellbottoms of Defiance.
The only thing that can kill Chuck Norris…Chuck Norris.
Keep in mind these are technically just regular townsfolk, not trained fighters. So no one in BREAKER! BREAKER! offers any real threat and Dawes easily dispatches everyone with fists. That includes the final fight against the town's sheriff, which is hilariously one-sided and sad. The poor man is so pathetically useless against Chuck Norris that they have to film the whole thing in slow motion to make it seem longer than three or four kicks. That may sound boring, but it's all shot on a horse farm with Norris—his shirt open to expose his glorious manchest—kicking ass as wild stallions run around him. The only thing with more testosterone is Chuck Norris' actual testicles.
By the transitive property of mathematics, even this guy is cool since he's near Chuck Norris.
Of course, in between all the whomping of asses, Norris still has time to make friends with a local mentally handicapped child, as well as romance the town's one non-crazy, attractive woman. Instead of asking her to explain what's going on in the strange community, he takes her for a romantic stroll by an old tree as the world's cheesiest love song plays. The next time we see them (about five hours after they first met), the two are sleeping naked in a post-coital embrace…inside Norris' Eagle Van. As if that's not awesome enough, the next morning her young son asks if they're getting married—to which Chuck just laughs.
Everywhere. And everything.
And finally, much like Sylvester Stallone's OVER THE TOP, BREAKER! BREAKER! celebrates the noble profession of truck driving. In the end, when all the other truckers hear Norris is in trouble over the CB, they come to his rescue. They do this by driving their monster vehicles through every building and house in town, without knowing who it is inside they're potentially killing. One of them even plows his truck through a helicopter, which might be the coolest thing in this movie if it didn't already have Chuck Norris punching guys in the groin.
While not the most courageous, the guy's strategy at the end is probably how we should all approach Chuck Norris.
1) Some of the best fight sequences and action moments (random car explosions!) from the film. Much roundhouse kicking ensues.
2) A few other hilariously memorable scenes, including some disturbingly homoerotic moments between Chuck and his little brother, arm wrestling and a super cheesy romantic sequence.
If you pay close attention, you can spot boob when Chuck sleeps with his woman.
Play Along at Home!
Take a shot or drink every time:
- Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks someone
- You're uncomfortable by Chuck Norris' relationship with his brother
- Someone says, "Breaker"
- Someone screams "Dawes!"
- A truck drives through something
- Chuck Norris goes over the top
Double shot if:
- Someone grabs ass
- A mentally handicapped child hugs a lion
Thanks to Mike Sampson for suggesting this week's movie like a boss!