Awfully Good: Scorpion King 3

February 22nd 2012, 12:16am

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

The Scorpion King 3: Battle for Redemption (2012)

Director:Roel Reine

Stars: Billy Zane, Ron Perlman, Victor Webster

Is there a plot?

The Rock Lite® is caught between Billy Zane and Ron Perlman. And not in the sexy way that you’ve dreamt about since 1997.

What’s the damage?

So this is what we’ve come to. THE SCORPION KING 3: BATTLE FOR REDEMPTION is the sequel to a prequel of a spin off of a sequel to a remake of the original 1932 MUMMY movie. If you’ve ever needed a monolithic example of Hollywood’s head-scratching creative failure, look no further.

BEST. ELEPHANT. EVER.

It’s been four years since the last direct-to-DVD SCORPION KING movie (which itself was six years after The Rock’s pioneering installment), so clearly everyone was waiting with baited breath for this. However, when the third film in a series ups the ante with not just Hellboy himself, Ron Perlman, but none other than William Zane Jr., perhaps our most underappreciated modern thespian, it requests our immediate attention.

Who knew Linkin Park dates back to the Protodynastic Period?

Unfortunately, neither men are the stars of the movie. The Scorpion King is played by “Guy Who Looks Vaguely Like The Rock,” a truly horrible actor that isn’t helped by a script full of stilted dialogue. He makes that terrible CGI abomination from THE MUMMY RETURNS look lifelike by comparison. Perlman and Zane are both antagonists, a pair of feuding brothers attempting to use The Scorpion King as a pawn in their war against each other. Perlman is only in the movie for a few minutes, but his epic flowing mullet leaves quite an impression. Zane, on the other hand, has a more substantial supporting role, which he thankfully spends hamming it up as much as possible. This includes acting like a pimp with his harem of sex women, talking in to ripped off ears like Mr. Blonde, preaching like an African American pastor, and making jokes so bad he has to explain them to the other actors. His character is trying to harness the power of the Book of the Dead, so he can bring to life a group of deceased mythical warriors to do his bidding (including UFC star Kimbo Slice, who is obviously the first one to die since he’s black.) This affords Mr. Zane the opportunity to say things like “ethereal hoo-ha.”

Billy knew he could only use the “I was just looking for the Heart of the Ocean!” excuse so many times before the ladies got suspicious.

As entertaining as Zane is, he’s outshone by the Scorpion King’s husky sidekick Olaf, played by Bostin Christopher. At the hands of the script, Christopher is pretty terrible but he tries so hard, so much that it’s impossible to ignore. Olaf speaks almost exclusively in belches, modern slang and terrible one-liners to the point where you might think you’re watching a bad 80s buddy cop movie. Seriously, I’m including a sampling below: