C’MON HOLLYWOOD: Not all games are potential movies!

…not all games are potential movies!
by J.A. Hamilton

I love video games, case in point FINAL FANTASY 13 comes out tomorrow and my ass will be right there when it does. Even better, is when a great game comes to the big screen (as few and far between as that may be), but when I read Paul’s news this past week about a film based upon SPACE INVADERS, I quickly checked to calendar to see if it was April Fool’s day. How in the name of ET’s wang do you make a movie about SPACE INVADERS!? Are things really that bad in Hollywood? There are literally thousands upon thousands of titles with worthwhile source material out there to be mined from video games, but even a non-gamer should be able to tell the difference between the good, the bad and the preposterous!

The first FF movie was a wash, but they made up for it with ADVENT CHILDREN.

Now video game flicks had a rough start with stuff like SUPER MARIO BROTHERS, but then again, Mario was all the rage at the time and anyone with half a brain saw that one coming a mile away. I’m not saying that the RESIDENT EVIL franchise went in the direction I’d have preferred, but zombies are another money maker and a gun wielding, ass kicking, super hot Milla Jovovich is a hard piece of work to argue with. Even the PRINCE OF PERSIA flick looks exciting, and though not a game I personally was into, the raw mechanics and storyline are something of interest to anyone who enjoys a “PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN” type film (I use this comparison mainly due to Bruckheimer’s involvement) even if it is backed by Disney.

Nice guns Milla, nice guns.

SPACE INVADERS is far from the first time Hollywood’s danced to this tune. The Rock was attached to a SPY HUNTER movie for what felt like an eternity, but thank God it never saw the light of day. SPY HUNTER is another game that had zero storyline, you controlled a car that shot bullets out of the front as you cascaded down the road avoiding oil traps, holes, other cars and so on. Personally I think this game came along riding the coattails of KNIGHT RIDER’s fame, which back then you could get away with, but nowadays we need a little more substance to keep us interested. And then there’s Vin Diesel who’s trying to put together another mediocre car game flick called WHEELMAN. Hopefully that too will suffer the same fate as SPY HUNTER.

This almost happened folks. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Why Hollywood is so focused on mediocrity when they could have great films come from titles like METAL GEAR and even CASTLEVANIA (Indy shouldn’t be the only whip wielding hero out there). Sure, METAL GEAR would be like Jason Bourne on steroids, but that’s a good thing as far as I’m concerned! Give us WARCRAFT, STARCRAFT or DIABLO, and though I’m not much for the game itself, I would have loved to see what Neill Blomkamp’s HALO flick would have brought to the table. And it’s not just the old games, Hollywood scrambled to get hold of the rights to make this year’s DARKSIDERS into a film, so with old and new ideas still streaming in by the boatload, why compound sins of the past by taking several embarrassing steps backward?

I haven’t given up hope on this project yet.

With all the great games out there, I’m also mortified by the idea of rebooting some of the video game franchises we’ve seen like RESIDENT EVIL, TOMB RAIDER and even MORTAL KOMBAT (thought I’m trying to envision a harder, bloodier MK which I would be overwhelmingly happy to see). So when you add to that bullshit like SPACE INVADERS, SPY HUNTER, WHEELMAN (and the list goes on), I find myself frustrated and very angry. I’d rather see another Rock led DOOM movie before any of those. Hell, HITMAN was good and even SILENT HILL wasn’t too bad. Either way, it should be fairly obvious what choices are indeed poor ones, and which titles are worth gambling on. Wake the hell up Hollywood, because we’re getting tired of you pissing on games we know and love in the name of a quick buck.