Last Updated on August 3, 2021
1. Lindsay Lohan
This is more for her sake than mine. Just end it before things turn tragic girly-girl. Has the 6,722 hours of Anna Nicole coverage taught you nothing? Sure, it’s good press, but the woman is dead. Save yourself now Linds, pick one career path – whether it be singing, modeling, club hopping, or drinking and f*ck that up exclusively. Stay out of the theatres and maybe someone, somewhere will still care about you in five years.
2. Beyoncé Knowles
The next time I hear someone comment on how good she was in DREAMGIRLS I’m going to shoot them with eye lasers. I will physically mutate my genetic makeup and will myself a super power. Am I the only one that finds her unwatchable on screen? Even her music videos have sent me into angry seizures. The end of Hollywood is in sight and it sports a badunkadunk.
3. Britney Spears
It looks like acting may be the farthest thing from her confused little mind at the moment but just in case there’s a CROSSROADS 2 in the works…….. don’t. Like I said above, everybody in the world knew it was going to suck. Why have any part of it? Money? Really, you’ll take a cheque to start the fall of your popularity and therefore ruin your career in the process? How did it all work out Brit?
4. Jessica Simpson
Much better on the eyes but still hard to take while she’s reading from a script. This woman can do anything she wants. Why does it have to be movies? Sing more, start another reality series, wear more bikinis, pretend to be even stupider than you have been, whatever, just stop lining yourself up for the butt of every joke by trying to act.
5. Paris Hilton
Thank God she came out with a CD recently and I could include her in this rant. There is no greater waste of space on this list. Since the very first time I laid eyes on her I’ve wondered what exactly it is she does. Still no answers. Maybe if she was uber hot I could understand. Maybe if she wasn’t one of the densest public personalities on the planet I would lighten up. Stop acting and start doing something. Anything.
6. Ashlee Simpson
She can change her face as much as she wants. To me she’ll always be that talentless twit dancing around like an asshole on SNL, praying her sister’s name saves her career. My wife still thinks I’d hit it but there’s something deep down that drives me insane with disgust whenever I hear her name. It might just be her creepy boyfriend/dad.
7. Jennifer Lopez
It’s good that I don’t have to hear about her everyday anymore, but if she does happen to show up unexpectedly I’m filled with unjustified rage. Why is this? The whole Ben thing? The big bum thing? I actually liked her in U TURN, THE CELL, and OUT OF SIGHT so why did the previews for EL CANTANTE always end with me holding a knife and a minor blackout?
8. Madonna
I love old school Madonna and her decision to make everyday a sex filled romp. But, other than A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN, her screen appearances have been beyond forgettable (never saw EVITA so bite it) and the fact that she physically removed Guy Ritchie’s balls and developed the ass of an Olympic Power Lifting man doesn’t win her any points in my ‘Points for Hot Milfs’ book either.
9. Mariah Carey
GLITTER set a new standard for garbage and sent Mariah into some sort of self-loathing stage. Somehow, somebody cast her in more shit and she’s managed to keep any personal breakdowns on the down-low. I think this one of maybe three people in the world my wife would like to fight.
10. Hilary Duff
I’ll start with the least annoying (for me at least) and ask her to stop ruling over her pre-pubescent underground empire by sneaking into three to four movies a year by being cute. I can honestly say I have never heard one of her songs or seen any of her videos. Let’s keep it that way and keep belting them out H-Dog.
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