Uwe Boll needs cash!

February 13th 2009, 12:49pm

It isn’t often that I feel the need to be really serious about things when I write for JoBlo.com, but it isn’t often that there is such a serious cause. So here goes: Uwe Boll needs your money. The fate of his new film BLACKOUT literally rests on your investments. The film will be about terrorists (so you know it will be awesome), and Boll is looking to you guys for just $50 to become a co-producer and hopefully, fingers crossed, help him raise $18.5 million. I know what you’re thinking, James, James, where the hell is this website because damn it I need to be a part of this thing, but just give me a second here.

Because baby, I’m not done selling yet. In case you were wondering, will I get my money back if the movie doesn’t even get made? The answer is that you’ll get $40 back. Everyone knows that is pretty much the same, so yes, you will get your money back. In case you were wondering, does this cinematic miracle have any stars lined up? The answer is one Ralf Moller, whom, as the website says, you might know from “some films with Arnold Schwarzenegger”, so umm hell yes it does.

And in case you were wondering what it would be like co-producing a Uwe Boll film, well then let me fill you in, ladies and gentlemen. You might not get to see the script, or oversee filming, or enjoy any financial profit, or have any creative input whatsoever, or be welcome in my home ever, but you will be in receipt of a limited special edition DVD copy of the movie. Of course, money cannot buy such a thing. You will also be automatically entered into a raffle where one of you, from the 370,000 or so other co-producers, will win $500,000. 50 of you will also be flown out to Canada and be given the opportunity to cast an extra in the movie.

This isn’t just a mind-blowing opportunity, guys, but what I consider your duty as a film fan. Uwe Boll has never won an Oscar but he has seen one. On television. And I think we can both agree that makes him insanely qualified. And sure, he has like three of his movies in IMDb’s all-time worst films ever made list, but everyone knows people who vote on that site are just bitter film students who never made it.

And hey, if your soul is blackened and that somehow didn’t manage to persuade you to join this venture then maybe the following video will. If nothing else, it will show you, this is a decent, respectful, humble guy who just wants to make it in film, just like you or I: