But holy shite when they get it right the experience is so sweeeeeet! Now for this list I am focusing strictly on monsters. No sharks, giant beasts, or undead humans. Mutated humans? Sure. Undead? No. To be clear this leaves out vampires, zombies, Frankenstein, werewolves and Jaws among others. As always I encourage you to spit bullets if you disagree with my reasoning, but now you know why some of your favorites may not make the list.
1. Alien – ALIEN
Scariest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen on screen hands down. Ridley Scott’s direction is outstanding of course, and who can argue with that cast. But the alien, from facehugger, to chest-burster, to adult is the most original, unlikely, and purely surprising monster we’ve ever seen – and are ever likely to see. It was an unanticipated leap into a darkness none of us even knew was imaginable. Forget all those faceless horrors Lovecraft bothered us with – this was real, this was here, and movie monsters will never be the same.
2. Cenobites – HELLRAISER
OK, I know some are gonna tell me that the Cenobites are undead humans so why are they on the list. Partially because in the HELLRAISER universe they are “demons to some, angels to others”, but definitely not human anymore, no matter how they started out. Plus they kick ass and it’s my list so I say they get their due. The first entrance of the Cenobites is breathtaking in the horror and awe it inspires. They say man is struck dumb in the presence of God. Well I know many who are struck dumb simply at the sight of a well realized vision of a deity. I don’t know where Barker’s visions of the afterworld come from, but some of them just ain’t right. Let’s hope he keeps sharing.
3. Predator – PREDATOR
Infrared vision. Invisibility. Ripping skull and spine out of a body. This beast was not f*cking around, and he took down Action Hero legends like they were boy scouts. Any other opponent and this cast would have ground them down like pepper. Instead the Predator tore through them like boy scouts. Almost killed Arnold. Not California Governor, had to have heart surgery Arnold. Commando Arnold. Terminator Arnold. Invincible Arnold, and the Predator made him look weak. That is some seriously strong shite my friends.
4. Godzilla – GODZILLA
This was tough. Of course, Godzilla (original thank you very much, we shall ignore the American travesty) has to be on the list. Top 5 for sure, but where? Ultimately what keeps this nuclear love child from a higher spot is that he was never scary. Awesome for sure. Probably one of my favorite genre creatures of all time. Just not scary.
5. The Gill Man – CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
The Gill Man suffers from overexposure now, but when I first saw that bad boy stalking Rita underwater it was scary as hell. Sure the man in a suit wouldn’t work for today’s audience, but this classic beast not only played with our expectations of where and how we could be attacked, but also possessed a visage and intensity that still have some effectiveness in the original context. That’s pretty powerful stuff considering he’s been on a lunchbox.
6. Han River Mutant – THE HOST
Unlike many genre fans I was nearly bored to tears by THE HOST. I couldn’t care less about the characters and would have been happy if they all died. But every time that Han River beast came on screen a smile lit across my face. That bad boy moved like nothing I’d ever seen. Ate without mercy or remorse. Plus it was smart. On top of that it was so well designed that scoping it during long sequences of daylight was no problem. It looked real, it felt real, and man was I rooting for it!
7. Gremlins – GREMLINS
Yes, Mogwai’s are cute. Yes, by the time GREMLINS 2 rolled around, the gremlins themselves were no longer scary (except for maybe that spider one). Doesn’t change the fact that for a brief instant before the advent of PG-13, there was a PG Christmas movie that carried more darkness and intensity than any crap remake coming out these days. Why? Because Stripe and his band of hooligans were some mean, evil, mischievous motherf*ckers. Is their presence too intense for kids? Yes. And thank Joe Dante for that.
8. Graboids – TREMORS
How do you make the JAWS concept scary on land. Michael Douglas and Val Kilmer tried and failed in THE GHOST AND THE DARKNESS. Kevin Bacon and Michael Gross succeed with a lot of the help from the Graboids. Like some kind of hellish mix of all those worms from 8th grade bio, and a really pissed off Venus Flytrap, these underground marauders do not f*ck around. Sure you can hide on a rock, but if you even throw something at the ground, they are coming and coming hard. Good luck not shitting your pants.
9. Grant Slug – SLITHER
As an example of the pure loathsome, grotesque awesomeness that modern day effects allow, you need look no further than Grant as he becomes the Grand Central Slug. The amount of muck and gore coming off this thing goes way beyond repulsive. Then you’ve got the tentacles, and the mouth, and the ever bloating body. Plus more slugs keep coming out of it. I really mean it when I say this – Yuck!
10. The Blob – THE BLOB
Sure it’s a big ball of goo, but if Steve McQueen is scared of this f*cker than so am I. I remember seeing The Blob when I was very young, and maybe that’s had a lasting impression on me. But a lot of what makes good slashers scary is the feeling of a relentless, unstoppable force that will get you eventually. The blob is all that, plus you don’t have the illusion that you can kill it. I mean, how do you kill goo?! It’s gonna get you.
