The Cast of My Ultimate Nightmare

Being brought up on horror movies doesn't have very many advantages. A lot of the shit I think about doesn't translate well into the real world. Every time my wife's cell phone dies I tell her she's going to be horrifically murdered and run away from her as fast as possible. I once told my grandmother to aim for the head if my grandfather ever came back to life. During his funeral. When I fall asleep things get even worse. There are nights of never-ending terror so intense that Freddy Kruger would quietly tap-out and wish me luck as he slid out the nearest cortex. If I could bundle up all these bastards into one epic power nap, this is what it would be like.

1. The Pale Man - PAN'S LABYRINTH

I like to eat. You can imagine the appetite I've worked up roaming around this fucking maze of terror all night. So when I get to the buffet room I don't even think twice about sitting down and stuffing my face. As Johnny Surprise-Eyes gnaws his way up to my neck I throw down a couple more grapes, close my eyes, and wait for the alarm.

2. Pennywise - IT

The child in me wants to play with his clever little balloon animals. The pussy in me wants to curl up in a ball and make the bad man go away. Let me get this straight, you'll paint my face if I let you psychologically annihilate me and then devour my body after transforming into your true hideous form? Can you paint me like Spider-Man?

3. A Facehugger - ALIEN

All night long I've been hearing, what sounds like, a thousand little legs scampering all around me. I usually don't have a problem with spiders. However, a giant boney hand-spider that wants nothing more than to fuck my mouth? Problem.


From the upstairs bedroom I can hear Zelda demanding her dinner. I scoop a couple handfuls of Melty dog on to a plate and ascend. Just watching her writhe around on the bed makes me want to tear my flesh off. By the time she springs out of bed and makes her way toward me I decide to kill myself when I wake up. This can not be unseen.

5. Rape Forest - THE EVIL DEAD

I escape the house of horrors and find myself in the middle of acre upon acre of ass-raping woodland. I'm violated numerous times and left on a piles of leaves with splinters in places no man should ever have to use tweezers. The trees lead me back into the house while snickering and calling me a slut.

6. Melty Dog - THE FLY II

I call out to my childhood puppy to offer me some comfort. Out comes melty dog and my psyche implodes. He slithers over to his water dish as I form my noose out of my shoelaces. Just writing about this scene makes me want to jump off a building.

7. A Hungry Vagina - TEETH

Things start to look up as I stumble upon the random naked hottie asking me to get it in. A couple pumps in and I realize I'm balls-deep in the world's tightest sarlacc pit. As she makes her way up my torso I give Chatterer a high five for getting laid. He likes to watch.

8. The Crate - CREEPSHOW

There's this box sitting in the middle of the room just asking to be cracked open. Sooner or later my curiosity will get the better of me and I'll get dead. What was this thing's problem by the way? You'd think it would be grateful for someone letting him out of a 4x4 box. Instead he just rips their face off and eats them. Back in the box with your bullshit, bitch. I'm really tough in these dreams.

9. Chatterer - HELLRAISER

I finally get the old lady to stop busting my balls and this freak sneaks up behind me. What the fuck? Is he eating his own face? What makes things worse, I've always imagined he wore a mask and played the role of The Gimp in PULP FICTION. He wants to kill me with the butt sex.

10. Father Karras' Mom - THE EXORCIST

Never even met the woman, yet there she is, judging me for all the horrible shit I've done over the last 38 years. "Oh, Jimmy, why you poop your pants at the Cheech and the Chong movies? You killed me, Jimmy. You killed me." Leave me alone you creepy bitch. Where's my fucking pillows?
Tags: The Ten Spot

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