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IT'S THE BOOZE TALKIN: When Horror Meets Porn

03.16.2010by: Jim Law


When Horror Meets Porn

You'd think uniting these two forces would be a no-brainer. An epic marriage of blood curdling screams, unbreakable bondage, and terrifyingly massive erections. I'm not talking about "torture porn" here either, I'm talking about straight up stab her in the heart after you stab her in the butt type shit. It all seems so logical when you consider the foundations of gratuitous nudity in your average horror film. The next step has to be full penetration, right? Wrong. It's never worked. It never will work, no matter what angle you take. And I'm going to cover them all.

The porn/horror parody is no more entertaining than it's clever title. If you've ever wondered what would happen if Regan went ass to mouth with the two priests trying to perform her exorcism, then by all means, get your hands on a copy of THE XXXORCIST.

These are nothing more than effortless spoofs of popular titles. There's nothing horrific about them except the acting and the odd facial. And that's where the problem lies with making a film more porn than horror, nobody in their right mind would ever watch an adult film for it's plot. Sure, it makes for a funny box cover and there might be one or two funny references in the film, but no true horror fan is ever going to see it because a) they'd turn it off as soon as they figured out it wasn't a legitimate sequel to FRANKENSTEIN, or b) they'd be too tired after wanking on their pud during the first sign of boobies.

So what have we learned? We need a little less sex, a little more (original) story, and a lot more scares.

ONE EYED MONSTER took a different spin to the table. Here's a slasher, set in a cabin in the woods, set around the making of a porno with the main villain being Ron Jeremy's detached penis (above, wrapped around Charles Napier's neck). As ridiculous as it sounds it's a concept that could have been a ton of fun with the perfect mixture of dark comedy and creepiness. And it would have worked had it not looked and felt like it was thrown together by a drunk teenager and his buddies in the middle of a weekend bender. I'm not expecting perfection here, folks, but more than ten minutes writing a script is never going to hurt your cause. And a tiny bit more nudity and actual sex wouldn't hurt either.

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS seemed to have everything going for it. There was the horror icon (Englund), the world's most famous porn actress (Jameson), a perfect setting (strip club) and the most popular sub-genre around (zombies). What we got was simply just a bad horror movie. To be fair, this film never sold itself as a porn/horror. It's just a b-horror movie with lots and lots of nudity, but when you're so close to finding that perfect mixture why deny your destiny? And to be honest don't you think this film makes millions of more dollars on DVD if you do what's right and let Jameson loose during at least one full-out un-dead orgy?

Maybe it's the booze talking but there's a fine line between horror and porn. To do it right you're going to need some people that can act, a lot of people that can fuck, and at least some resemblance to an actual scary story. You get all that and you'll have yourself your very own genre that nobody will ever admit to watching. Congrats.

Extra Tidbit: The chick in our title banner was dating Corey Haim before he died.
Source: AITH

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11:34PM on 03/17/2010
I dunno. Personally, the moment I get the shock of horror I lose my hard-on. It's not that I dislike getting scared, I just have trouble staying both turned-on and scared to death at the same time. Although I agree they seem an obvious mix. But they deal with two very different behavioral functions. Some people might get a hard-on for the right horror fix, but I'm not one of them.

On a side note, Charles Napier deserves better.
I dunno. Personally, the moment I get the shock of horror I lose my hard-on. It's not that I dislike getting scared, I just have trouble staying both turned-on and scared to death at the same time. Although I agree they seem an obvious mix. But they deal with two very different behavioral functions. Some people might get a hard-on for the right horror fix, but I'm not one of them.

On a side note, Charles Napier deserves better.
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9:48AM on 03/17/2010
RE-PENETRATOR may be the best thing I've seen all week.
RE-PENETRATOR may be the best thing I've seen all week.
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4:26PM on 03/16/2010

Zombie Strippers

Hah, that's funny, I was watching Zombie Strippers the other night....it was cracking me up with how bad it was, but it's good too...definitely worth watching once
Hah, that's funny, I was watching Zombie Strippers the other night....it was cracking me up with how bad it was, but it's good too...definitely worth watching once
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2:39PM on 03/16/2010
Bad Idea; I think mixing porn with horror continues to devastate American horror cinema. America has long since lost the reign of releasing movies that actually scare people. Nowadays we have to rely on France and other foreign movie directors to show us how its done. Martyrs, Haute Tension, The Inside, The Descent, Frontier(s),Cube,
Ginger Snaps,Wolf Creek,Antibodies,28 Days Later,Severance,Ichi the Killer, A tale of two sisters(Korean), Let the Right One In, and Imprint.
Remember these
Bad Idea; I think mixing porn with horror continues to devastate American horror cinema. America has long since lost the reign of releasing movies that actually scare people. Nowadays we have to rely on France and other foreign movie directors to show us how its done. Martyrs, Haute Tension, The Inside, The Descent, Frontier(s),Cube,
Ginger Snaps,Wolf Creek,Antibodies,28 Days Later,Severance,Ichi the Killer, A tale of two sisters(Korean), Let the Right One In, and Imprint.
Remember these movies have all been released in the pass ten years. They even put together and played a Horror montage during the Academy Awards this year. The commentators even said that they missed Horror and that its considered a DEAD genre in Hollywood. We need to wake the fuck up and stop stealing scripts from Asia and the Mpaa needs to grow some balls and stop slapping NC-17 ratings on Horror movies that would likely be PG-13 in Germany or France.
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+1
1:31PM on 03/16/2010

Best porn horror

...would have to be Succubus, starring, now-retired porn hottie Raven Riley.
...would have to be Succubus, starring, now-retired porn hottie Raven Riley.
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1:26PM on 03/16/2010
'Hung Wankenstein' - Classic!
'Hung Wankenstein' - Classic!
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10:18AM on 03/16/2010
I bet that Twilight one is wayyyyyy better then the actual film, muahahahaha
I bet that Twilight one is wayyyyyy better then the actual film, muahahahaha
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10:41AM on 03/16/2010
It's funny because it's true.
It's funny because it's true.
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