When I watch a horror film, I usually want to see (not expect) creative and inventive kills. Most of the time, I’m usually quite satisfied with them, because most horror movies these days focus more on the kills than the plot.
But, there are times when I am completely astonished or thrown back when I see a death onscreen that is too unbelievable for words. Here is my list of kills from movies that have made me laugh to tears, roll my eyes, and say, “Now that is just f*cking ridiculous!” Beware of spoilers and enjoy!
WARNING HUGE FREAKING SPOILERS – READ AT YOUR OWN
RISK!
1. Jack Frost -The other infamous shower scene kill
This movie is something Shannon Elizabeth will never live down. Her character gets killed in the shower by a killer snowman. Yes, you read that correctly. She also gets raped by the snowman from his carrot. You can’t get anymore ridiculous then that.
2. House of Wax -The demise of Paris Hilton
This movie was full of crazy kills, but I want to discuss the death scene that everybody was talking about after watching this movie. Paris Hilton’s death scene was very highly anticipated, yet it was also pretty far-fetched. The killer manages to throw a pole through a car window and it goes through her head.
While everybody was clapping about the demise of the non-acting hotel heiress, I was busy thinking, “Is this man, Thor or something?” In reality, the pole probably would have just hit her in the head, and she probably would have been screaming at the maniac, “That was SO not hot.”
3. Kill Bill -The Break-Dance attack
I was enjoying watching the Bride take out the Crazy 88. The kills were inventive and shocking, but when she started to break-dance and take out the Crazy 88’s feet at the same time, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. Sure, it looked cool, but suspension of disbelief can only be taken so far.
4. Scream 3 -The Dumbass that blew up the house
This kill never made sense to me, because I don’t think anyone would have been as stupid as the character that manages to get himself killed. Mr. Ghostface has just killed the bodyguard outside of a big house, and is sending the people in the house script pages through the fax machine about who is going to die next. The group runs outside, but then one of the dumbass actors (Matt Keeslar) runs back inside to read the rest of the fax.
He seems to be able to read the fax perfectly in the dark except for one sentence for some stupid reason. He lights his lighter to read the rest of the fax only to be blown up. Hmm….just a thought. If a big ass house like that has been douched with gasoline, don’t you think you would immediately smell it? Even a retard would know better not to light a match.
5. The Backlot Murders -The Stabbing Duel
I’m sure a lot of you have been smart enough to stay away from this piece of crap. Unfortunately, I wasn’t so lucky. I picked up this “gem” in the previously viewed bin at my local video store one day when I was extremely bored. It’s your typical straight to DVD slasher a.k.a. two hours wasted from your life.
There are two killers in the film. One is Three’s Company, Priscilla Barnes, and the other is some guy probably still regretting doing this movie. When they both turn on each other, they both take out two huge butcher knifes and start stabbing each other repeatedly. It may sound gross, but it only looked cartoonish on screen. This scene is so embarrassingly bad, it’s good.
6. Jason X -The Sleeping Bag Kill
I do not remember much from this movie (which is probably a good thing.) I remember it taking place in space, I remember the David Cronenberg cameo, I remember the kill, and I remember laughing my ass off from seeing the kill. To distract Jason, one character puts him in some Camp Crystal Lake dream simulation.
Two half naked girls appear and ask Jason if he wants to have sex or if he wants some drugs. He then takes one of the girls in a sleeping bag and beats the other one to death with the body. Prepare the rewind button with this scene. It’s gets more hilarious every time I watch it.
7. Land of the Dead -The skin-pulling bit
One of this film’s purposes was to have ridiculous zombie kills. It’s not a Romero film if you don’t have them. Believe me, there are plenty in this zombie flick to choose from. In the unrated version, there is one kill that seems to stick out more than the others.
While the zombies are busy feasting on the many stupid humans, one of the zombie manages to kill one of his victims by grabbing his mouth, and pulling the skin off over his head. EWW! I had to rewind that, just to make sure that’s what I saw. I can honestly say, I’ve never seen THAT before. As ridiculous as it was, I have to admit it was pretty damn creative.
8. H20 -Michael Myer’s super human strength
Why is Michael Myer’s invincible? He’s able to take hangers in the eye, get shot multiple times, and fall from high places without so much as a scratch on him. Is he Superman? Is he 50 Cent? No! He’s just some psycho MAN intent on murdering his sister, and everyone who gets in his way. What also really pisses me off is how this man seems to have super human strength as well.
In H20, Michael Myers kills Jamie Lee Curtis’ boyfriend (Adam Arkin) by stabbing him, and lifting him up in the air from just the knife handle alone. Most of the time I was always scared by “the boogeyman,” but it was unrealistic moments and kills like that from the Halloween movies that really just tainted the series for me.
9. A Nightmare on Elm Street -The Demise of Johnny Depp
In Johnny Depp’s first role, the audience gets to see Mr. Depp meet his dreadful end by being sucked into his bed by Freddy Kruger. This was a sad moment, until we get to see a huge never-ending geyser of blood spurt out of the bed and hit the ceiling. If the human body contained that much blood, we would all be going down to the Red Cross every day donating gallons of blood
10. Urban Legend -ALL of the kills
My beef is not exactly with the deaths per say. It’s with the person who did the killing. I’m sorry, but I got to say this. I may be a girl who is happy that women are portraying stronger roles these days, but I’m also a realist. There is just NO way that the Noxzema girl (Rebecca Gayheart) would have been able to kill all those people! There’s just no way! The deaths were very elaborate and a little far-fetched, but it was the idea of having this dainty model portraying the role of the parka-wearing psychopath that was way too over the top for me.
