Face-Off: ED-209 Vs. RoboCop 2

We had some good Frankenstein fun with our last Face-Off. I believe that the majority were cool with the outcome of Tom Noonan's monster besting Robert DeNiro's.

Today's Face-Off takes its cue from the forthcoming (and unfortunate) remake of RoboCop which hits theaters next Friday. No matter how lame this watered down new version may seem, at least we can use this opportunity to remind everyone of the glorious, R-rated original. Hence, we are pitting two robotic wreckers up against each other for some fightin' fun. Get ready for ED-209 Vs. RoboCop 2 (that's Cain).

ED is packing some heavy duty armament. He's got dual 20mm cannons for both hands that will blow the shit out of anything or anyone. So make sure you drop your weapon! Apparently he was also retrofitted with three heat-seeking missiles, which I never knew about but would probably do a fine job laying out a path of total destruction.
Once thought of as the ultimate upgrade to the initial RoboCop, number 2 comes equipped with floodlights, hinges, pistons and claw-like extensions all over his body. One of his extensions is a plasma torch that nearly cuts off Murphy's face. He's also got a minigun on his left arm with a retractable battering ram, and an assault cannon on his right shoulder.
Best Kill
Poor Mr. Kinney. All he did was follow his boss, Dick Jones', instructions to threaten ED. Who would have thought that a simple malfunction would result in such an unabashed bloodbath of exploding squibs?! If ED was looking to demonstrate the true awesomeness of his firepower, mission accomplished.
Poor Nuke-adicted Angie. She let her addiction lead to an unhealthy relationship with Cain that she tries to salvage even after learning that he is now a cyborg. Well, RoboCop 2 was not having any of that shit. Dude grabbed hold of her head and crushed it like a f*cking hardboiled egg.
Fighting RoboCop
ED definitely does get the better of ol' Robo when they square off towards the end of the film. Even though RoboCop is a tad discombobulated after trying to arrest Dick Jones, ED still comes down hard with a double machine gun assault that sends Murph through a friggin wall.
RoboCop 2 is definitely able to put up a good, long fight once Murphy finally confronts him. In fact, 2 does appear to be winning throughout the majority of the bout. He knocks RoboCop all over the place, slices through his helmet, and blasts the shit out of him. They even go soaring down a friggin elevator shaft.
Stairs! Those damn stairs! ED is such a bad ass killing machine, yet when he has to chase RoboCop down the stairway, he crumbles like a cookie. It is hilarious and kind on pathetic. The matter isn't helped that at the end of his fall, ED is flailing about on his back making the sound of what resembles a crying baby.
Once a druggie, always a druggie. RoboCop 2 can bring about all the carnage he wants, but he can always be stopped by showing him a big vile of nuke. Dude's gotta have it. If he were Popeye, it'd be his spinach. Even though he is about to beat RoboCop and the rest of the police, he still can't help stopping everything to score some nuke. Oh and I doubt he could do stairs too.
The death of ED is short but sweet. When RoboCop pulls up to OCP at the end, ED marches right up to him looking to make an arrest. Of course after what he's just been through, Robo is having none of that bullcrap. He pulls out that killer Cobra Assault Canon and blows the ever-loving shit out of ED. The End.
It's a bucking bronco, piggyback death for RoboCop 2. Once he is distracted by his nuke fix, Murphy sneaks up and hops on Cain from behind. After some blasts with his gun, Robo is able to extract his brain and spinal cord. In a lovely display of disgusting destruction, Robo smashes the cord and brain on the ground. Bye Cain.
RoboCop 2
So it would appear we have some accolade finally bestowed upon RoboCop 2. I assure you these results were not influenced by a little boy in a black suit. Do you think this fight was called fairly? Would love to hear your thoughts as well as what you think of this upcoming RoboCop remake. Please, blast them bullets below. And feel free to send any future Face-Off ideas to me at [email protected].



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