Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Jennifer Lopez!

Last Updated on August 2, 2021

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

Jennifer Lopez 1

The Case

The Prosecution: Jack, U Turn, The Wedding Planner, Maid in Manhattan, Gigli, Monster-in-Law, Bordertown, El Cantante, The Back-up Plan, What to Expect When You're Expecting, ALL of her music

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the prosecution was looking over the list of previous defendants and was quite surprised to see that Jennifer Lynn Lopez had not stood trial yet. Ms. Lopez has appeared in some decent films and her performances in several of them have actually been very good, but if we take a look at her work as a whole (especially her most recent movies) it is obvious that Ms. Lopez is extremely guilty.

Ms. Lopez was in some stinkers early in her career, but there was a variety to the films she appeared in and it was clear in some movies like Selena and Out of Sight that Ms. Lopez had some talent. But it started to go downhill for the actress starting in 2001 with The Wedding Planner. From that point on, her filmography becomes a list of bad decisions and lazy roles. She went on to star in 2002's Maid in Manhattan, which lacks any charm whatsoever and Ralph Fiennes probably has a panic attack whenever anyone reminds him he was in the film.

Then came the massive bomb Gigli. Does the prosecution really need to say anything else about that film? Probably not, but just a reminder it did win nine Razzies and is frequently near the top of most "Worst Movies of All Time" list. But as terrible as Gigli is, her films after that mess of a movie are just as bad: Monster-in Law, The Back-up Plan and What to Expect When You're Expecting. Yikes. Some may argue that Gigli is a career killer and Ms. Lopez should just be happy she can still find roles, but Ben Affleck has rebounded very nicely and he received as much shit as she did (maybe even more) for appearing in the film. What has Ms. Lopez done?

But one movie really stands out to the prosecution as proof that it is time to send Ms. Lopez to Movie Jail: El Cantante. What in the hell is El Cantante you ask? It is a 2007 film about the late salsa singer Héctor Lavoe (played by her then husband Marc Anthony) and Ms. Lopez starred in it as Lavoe's wife. Obviously comparisons can be made between El Cantante and Selena, but El Cantante (besides being just plain bad) is lazy and bland. You would think that a project like this would really push Ms. Lopez to bring her A game, but her performance is flat and uninspired. Does she even care about acting anymore, or does she just see these roles as ninety minute commercials for the "Lopez" brand?

Combined with her allegedly toxic personality, diva attitude and music so awful babies try to swallow their own tongues, the prosecution feels Ms. Lopez needs to spend a significant amount of time in Movie Jail.

Jennifer Lopez 2

The Defense: Blood and Wine, Selena, Anaconda, Out of Sight, The Cell, Angel Eyes, Enough, Shall We Dance?, An Unfinished Life, Parker, Dat ass

Ladies and gentlemen, my client has appeared in some truly terrible films but I argue that she is delivering on what people expect from her. Her highest grossing films have been romantic comedies so it's not surprising that Ms. Lopez has stuck with what works. Unfortunately, many casual movie goers straight up reject her movies that don't involve her "living happily ever after" with a love interest. This is true especially after The Wedding Planner, but even Out of Sight and The Cell weren't huge hits. Most recently she was in Parker, yet once again mainstream audiences weren't interested in her in that type of role.

Ms. Lopez also has more talent than she gets credit for. She pretty much carried films like Enough and Angel Eyes completely on her own and while they may not be fantastic films they both benefit from having Ms. Lopez's presence. Her performance in both is almost the only reason to check out either film. Another film that didn't receive almost any attention from movie goers was An Unfinished Life. Once again, not the best movie in the world but Ms. Lopez's performance was solid.

The prosecution says Ms. Lopez is just trying to expand her brand by appearing in these films, but my client has always been about more than just films anyway. From music to perfume and clothing, Ms. Lopez has had success outside of movies, so maybe it just isn't that important to her if she receives Oscar nominations or love from fanboys. She might be more of a businesswoman than an actress, but that doesn't mean she lacks talent. Ms. Lopez just knows how to work the system.

Jennifer Lopez 3


What is to be done with Jennifer Lopez? Should "Jenny from the Block" go to the C-block in Movie Jail? Is she a diva that needs a wake-up call or is Ms. Lopez a working woman who does so much more than just act? Is Jennifer Lopez GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.


Jennifer Lopez 4


Happy Madison

The jury looked over the evidence from last week and collectively said, "F*ck you Happy Madison Productions!" by sending the entire company to Movie Jail. Some quotes from the jury: "I think most of us can agree that Happy Madison Productions is a rancid stain on the fabric of our collective existence," "Burn the companies building down and spread the ashes in space," and (possibly my favorite) "Like a Casey Anthony, OJ Simpson, George Zimmerman, One-Armed Man level of GUILTY!"  Nice work guys!


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp


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