Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Kate Beckinsale!

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

The Case

The Prosecution: Underworld series, Contraband, Total Recall, Everybody's Fine, Whiteout, Click, Van Helsing, Pearl Harbor, The Golden Bowl, Brokedown Palace

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, fans love Kate Beckinsale because she's a gorgeous actress who also has no problems throwing down in her movies. But in the past few years she has appeared in some terrible films, with the biggest offender being her awful Underworld series.

Miss Beckinsale had a pretty good thing going in the late 90s, appearing in well-received films like Much Ado About Nothing, Emma, and The Last Days of Disco. She also starred in the bomb Brokedown Palace, but for the most part, Miss Beckinsale's early films performed well in theaters, and critics enjoyed her performances.

But once her star started to get bigger though, the quality of her projects began to drop. Hell, her break-out film was the much-maligned Pearl Harbor. You could argue it would be insane for any actress getting her toes wet in Hollywood to pass on starring in a Michael Bay flick, but the prosecution believes regardless of the exposure she earned with the film, it probably didn't help Miss Beckinsale's career like she thought it would.

The real "big" moment in Miss Beckinsale's career though was starring in 2003's Underworld. Critics weren't kind to the film, but it did fairly well at the box office, and even better on DVD. If Miss Beckinsale only appeared in one or two of these films that would be one, however she has starred in three of these suckers, with a fourth on the way. There are many fans of the franchise, but does that mean the movies are good? Of course not. They're terrible films, and Miss Beckinsale really should have stopped after two, even though she does look very hot in black leather.

But Miss Beckinsale isn't only on trial for Underworld and its sequels. The defense will probably argue Van Helsing wasn't her fault, but it's still an awful movie. At least it's not as bad as Click or Whiteout though. Miss Beckinsale took a small break from acting in 2010 and 2011 to spend more time with her daughter. She returned in 2012, but were there really not better available roles besides playing Marky Mark's wife in Contraband? And did she only appear in Total Recall because it was directed by her husband? That's getting into Milla Jovovich territory, and since she was also previously up for Movie Jail, you probably already know how the prosecution feels about that actress.

The prosecution believes Miss Beckinsale has never given an outstanding performance in her movies, and her projects as of late have been very weak. She's a gorgeous actress, but her films have been ugly as hell, and the prosecution believes it's time we sent her sexy ass to Movie Jail.

The Defense: Underwold series, Nothing But the Truth, Fragments (Winged Creatures), Vacancy, Snow Angels, The Aviator, Tiptoes, Laurel Canyon, Serendipity, The Last Days of Disco, Shooting Fish, Cold Comfort Farm, Emma, Haunted, Much Ado About Nothing

Ladies and gentlemen, what more do you want from my client? She's hot, stars in multiple types of films, and seems like a decent person in her interviews. The prosecution argues Miss Beckinsale hasn't appeared in great films as of late. She has, but most of them have been smaller films. Miss Beckinsale gets a ton of attention for her Underworld movies, but she's done some excellent work unrelated to werewolves and vampires.

Nothing But the Truth didn't receive a theatrical release, but it's a damn fine movie featuring a great performance by my client. Miss Beckinsale was also very good in Tiptoes, even though the film itself isn't that fantastic. The prosecution says my client hasn't had an amazing performance, but there have been many instances where she's been one of the best parts of the film, like in Fragments, Serendipity, and Shooting Fish. While other actresses have stuck to one genre of films, my client has jumped around from drama to romance to action. Long story short: Miss Beckinsale has a ton of talent.

A big reason why the Underwold movies have been so successful is because of my client, and the defense strongly believes the films wouldn't have done as well at the box office without Miss Beckinsale. The prosecution compares her to Milla Jovovich, but the defense believes Miss Beckinsale's filmography is much better than Miss Jovovich's, who by the way, was declared not guilty by the jury when she took the stand. If Miss Jovovich doesn't belong in Movie Jail, why should my client rot in prison for similar crimes? If anything, Miss Beckinsale's Underworld films should be on trial, because the actress deserves a much better franchise.

There are many actresses who should be sent to jail, but Miss Beckinsale isn't one of them. The defense doubts the jury is going to send someone as talented and beautiful as Miss Beckinsale to Movie Jail.


Should Miss Beckinsale be sent to Movie Jail because of Underworld, or has she done enough good work to make up for her vampire flicks? Has she earned a cell in prison, or does she just need a better agent? Is Kate Beckinsale GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.



Annie Hall is heading to the slammer! Diane Keaton was declared GUILTY of all charges by the jury in last week's trial, and it wasn't a close vote at all. That's what you get when you star in films like The Big Wedding and Because I Said So. Some jury members said they never understood the love for Miss Keaton in the first place, but even those who are big fans of the actress had to admit her recent films have been horrible, and she deserves some time in jail.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss


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