Movie Jail: This week’s defendant is…Steve Martin!

Movie Jail

This is Movie Jail, a unique maximum security prison that houses some of the worst writers, directors, actors and producers from Hollywood and beyond. Their crimes? The offenses vary from convict to convict but most of these inmates have contributed negatively to the film world to some capacity and his or her misdeeds have covered a long enough period of time that the authorities had to intervene. In each column a defendant is put on trial, arguments are made, and then it is up to YOU, the jury, to decide if the person is guilty or not guilty of crimes against cinema. Their lives are in your hands, dude.

The Defendant

The Case

The Prosecution: The Big Year, Pink Panther 2, Baby Mama, The Pink Panther, Cheaper by the Dozen 2, Bringing Down the House, Looney Tunes: Back in Action, Cheaper by the Dozen, The Out-of-Towners, Sgt. Bilko, Father of the Bride Part II, Mixed Nuts, The Lonely Guy

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Steve Martin has appeared in more than a few classic comedies during his long career, however the prosecution feels he has starred in far too many mediocre family or children's movies as of late, and hasn't been involved with a great project in a very long time. Believe me, the prosecution is a big fan of Mr. Martin, but we are sick of seeing him in films that are beneath him like the Pink Panther and Cheaper by the Dozen movies.

Mr. Martin appeared in some excellent family comedies in the 80s and 90s like Father of the Bride and Parenthood, and the prosecution has no problem with those types of movies. The issue has been the quality of his later films. Maybe the prosecution wouldn't have a problem with Mr. Martin picking up checks for two Cheaper By the Dozen movies if he was also working on other solid projects, but in the prosecution's opinion. the last decent film from Mr. Martin was Shopgirl, and even that movie is just good, not great.

But why aren't we seeing Mr. Martin in more films like Shopgirl, or even Novocaine? His Cheaper by the Dozen films might be popular and did well at the box office, but the prosecution believes most fans of the banjo plucking funny man would prefer to see him in something a little more adult over another bland film with Mr. Martin playing someone's dad. It's worked well for him in the past, however his recent films have just been disappointing.

How great would it be to see Mr. Martin in a Wes Anderson movie, or appearing in something like Argo or the recent The Monuments Men? But no, instead we get stuff like Looney Tunes: Back in Action, the painfully unfunny Bringing Down the House and a small role in Baby Mama where he doesn't do much. It's just sad to see such a great and talented comedian involved in projects that don't do him any favors at all, except make his savings account a little bigger. The jury probably isn't too happy to see Mr. Martin up for Movie Jail, but the prosecution isn't looking for a long sentence, and it is for his own good.

The Defense: It's Complicated, Shopgirl, Novocaine, Bowfinger, The Spanish Prisoner, A Simple Twist of Fate, Housesitter, Leap of Faith, L.A. Story, Father of the Bride, Grand Canyon, My Blue Heaven, Parenthood, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Roxanne, Planes, Trains and Automobiles, Little Shop of Horrors, Three Amigos!, All of Me, The Man with Two Brains, Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, Pennies From Heaven, The Jerk

Ladies and gentlemen, if the prosecution couldn't land a guilty verdict for Dan Aykroyd in his trial, there's no way the jury is going to send Steve Martin to Movie Jail. Maybe his recent films haven't been great, but that doesn't take away from all of the other excellent projects he's worked on during his career. And although you can argue about the quality of his movies as of late, you can't say a damn thing negative about Mr. Martin's performances in his films.

No, the defense doesn't like the Cheaper by the Dozen or Pink Panther movies either, but my client was still a lot of fun to watch in those flicks. Mr. Martin is always fantastic, even if the movie isn't. It's Complicated isn't a great film, but it is a quite good one because of the actors involved, including Mr. Martin. The same could also be said for The Big Year.

At my client's age, you can't fault him for picking up a paycheck or two with a few of his movies. And considering the projects he's done outside of film, the prosecution believes there's more than enough evidence to keep Mr. Martin out of Movie Jail. With his books, banjo playing, Oscar hosting duties and involvement with The Muppets, Mr. Martin isn't only defined by the films he's appeared in, even if the prosecution believes someone needs to pay for Bringing Down the House.

The prosecution wants to see Mr. Martin in other films besides family comedies, but it's going to be a little hard if his ass is in Movie Jail. My client very easily could appear in a project like the prosecution mentions, which is also why he shouldn't be sent to prison. Although some of my client's recent films haven't been fantastic, the defense doesn't think anyone blames Mr. Martin, and they shouldn't have an impact on any potential future films. Which do you think is more likely: a casting director not wanting Steve Martin because of his Cheaper by the Dozen movies, or being thrilled because they got the guy who played The Jerk for a new film? My point? Steve Martin is awesome, always will be, and definitely doesn't deserve to go to Movie Jail.


Has Mr. Martin appeared in too many crappy films as of late, or do you think his great movies are more than enough to keep him out of Movie Jail? Should the jury come down hard on Mr. Martin, or just give him a warning? Is Steve Martin GUILTY or NOT GUILTY?


*The cases for and against a defendant going to Movie Jail by the author are not necessarily his views and opinions but they are some of the beliefs that one would use to effectively make an argument for both sides. Not quite a devil's advocate but you get the point. Anyways, this is all in fun so don't take it too seriously. We have a separate jail for those people called "Troll Tower" and believe me you do NOT want to go there.



Another painful defeat for the prosecution in last's week trail. Some wanted to toss Drew Barrymore in Movie Jail, however most said they've enjoyed her work, so the actress has been found NOT GUILTY of all charges. The jury also said although Miss Barrymore doesn't have the greatest range, she is still a solid actress, and they would love to see Miss Barrymore behind the camera again as well.


GUILTY Adam Sandler, Eddie Murphy, Vince Vaughn, Tim Burton, The Farrelly Brothers, Michael Bay, Jessica Alba, Ice Cube, Gerard Butler, Halle Berry, Marlon Wayans, Julia Roberts, M. Night Shyamalan , Katherine Heigl , Cuba Gooding, Jr. , Tyler Perry, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Ashton Kutcher, Happy Madison Productions, Jennifer Lopez, Bruce Willis, Paul W.S. Anderson, Matthew Broderick, Sarah Jessica Parker, Brett Ratner, Rob Cohen, Renee Zellweger, Shia LaBeouf, Renny Harlin, Diane Keaton, McG, Demi Moore, King Joffrey (Game of Thrones Special)

NOT GUILTY Robert De Niro, Val Kilmer, Nic Cage, John Travolta, Oliver Stone, Ben Stiller, Jim Carrey, Wes Craven, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Rodriguez, Kristen Stewart, Roland Emmerich, Kevin Costner, Sandra Bullock, Hilary Swank, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Smith, Channing Tatum, Jennifer Aniston, Owen Wilson, Anna Faris, Robin Williams, Charlize Theron, Ray Liotta, Jason Statham, Paul Walker, Will Smith, Salma Hayek, Michael Cera, Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds, Milla Jovovich, John Singleton, Jon Voight, Jack Black, Brian De Palma, Jerry Bruckheimer, Nicole Kidman, Justin Timberlake, Freddy Krueger (Halloween Special), Johnny Knoxville, Orlando Bloom, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dan Aykroyd, Sylvester Stallone, Gavin Hood, Jason Lee, Jennifer Garner, Carrie-Anne Moss, Kate Beckinsale, John Cusack, Chris Columbus, Clive Owen, Terrence Howard, Andrew Niccol, Drew Barrymore


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