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Black X-Mas (2006)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Glen Morgan (Or is it?)

Starring:
Katie Cassidy/Kelli
Michelle Trachtenberg/Melissa
Mary Elizabeth Winstead/Heather
Lacey Chabert/Dana
PLOT-CRUNCH
This remake of the 1974 made Black Christmas, sees a group of yummy sorority sisters gouged and maimed at the hands of an escaped lunatic. Nope, its not Michael Myers doing his laundry, its Billy doing his, but in this case, I like to call him BEEYATCH!
THE LOWDOWN

WARNING: This review is coming from somebody (me...who else)  who totally worships the original and what it accomplished. Its hard for me to separate the two films, hence do with this disclaimer what the f*ck you will.

You know a film is getting a bad buzz when nobody wants to check it out with ya, even when you offer to flip the bill on the ticket and buy the “brewskies” afterwards. Yup, I went to see the Black Christmas remake (cleverly re-titled Black X-Mas) by my lonesome and unfortunately for my sorry white ass, I mostly suffered all by my lonesome. OUCH!

Black X-Mas hit three levels as it sped down the bullshit covered Studio horror hill: unnecessary, mundane & trivial and finally… f*cking stupid. As opposed to the original which was smart enough to keep its killer (named Billy) in the dark, hence more frightening, this che-chinger offered us a lengthy back-story on our Holiday slayer via flashbacks. Billy's roots were semi compelling no doubt, but they also got in the way of the flow of the present day tale and pretty much brought nothing to the whole. Yup 20 minutes of filler! Bugh!

The current day storyline fared even worse. With Billy so drawn out gone was his fear factor, say hello to just another loon, with no balls to call his own, killing mooks in a house. Result; instead of channeling the spirit of the original Black Christmas, this rethread brought out the ghost of Halloween 8. How’s that? You know in a: folks wandering through a creepy house, getting picked off one by one while being too f*cking idiotic to recognize what’s going on and getting the f*ck out of dodge kind of way. I would’ve been out of there at the first phone call coming from one of my “missing” friends. COME ON! Speaking of phone and calls, if you’re looking for the uber chilling ring-a-lings that were in the original here, look elsewhere. The calls in this remake were just there to be there (Why did they even bother?) and generated no creepiness and zero tension.

The same could be vomited about the half cocked, half balked, half thought out and totally freaking pointless whodunit that was slapped my way. The film double downed on me with bullshit on that one! It hardly put in an effort in stimulating me throughout with its trite mystery and then did the same freaking thing when it delivered the plot hole laced (when looking back) answer to it all. Is that it man? Is that all you got? Pretty sad. Now, if you’re looking for similarities between this re-telling and its forefather, you won’t find many. All it did was take two devices (the eye ball shot and the calls) and ran with them as far it could. Problem was; more does not mean better. The single “eyeball” bit in Black Christmas was creepier than EVERY eye ball pop-goes-the-world found in this re-imagining.

How about character wise? How did that go down? BAD MAN! BAD! There was nobody to root for in this mess, not the whiny “be my family” Billy and definitely not the disposable female trinkets that populated this formulaic drivel. Sure, nice asses and cleavage abound for the whole family, but other than that I didn’t give half of a shite of a sprinkle of a slut about anybody here. If given the opportunity, I would’ve stapled them on my wall myself with a nail gun just to end the flick already! My last peeve with this crap had to do with the last 15 minutes. They reeked of “tacked on” and “re-shoot madness” and I almost walked out on them since the “story” (term used very loosely) was already done for me by that point. Talk about beating a dead lay! A total waste of celluloid!

Anything good to say about this pasty cookie? Well the flick did roll out at an even pace for the most part. A kill…some screaming/debating, another kill, repeat. So it wasn’t too much of a hard watch. It sure helped matters that it was a mucho nasty film (flesh made cookie…yuck) and that the murders were grisly with some being so over the top that they were very funny (hence clashing with the tone of the film but that’s another story). I was actually having an okay time on a very basic level (me likey seeing dumb broads get maimed) and I can see myself enjoying this garbage in a "so bad its good way" with beers and friends as back-up. Maybe one day. Finally I dug how the film capitalized on X-Mas ornaments, motifs, what not to evoke dread in its visuals…it cranked my dial.

All in all though my horror loving, cash dispensing friends, Black X-Mas was a flat, tension-less and shoddy slasher that delivered when it came to its body count and its un-intentional laughs and went limp-noodle like Michael Jackson surrounded by women for everything else. YAWN! NEXT!

GORE
It got messy this X-Mas. We get gouged out eyes (maybe too many of them), eaten eyes, a beheading, stabbings, the back of a head carved off, an icicle in the head (why not) and even more gouged out eyes. Brutal and red-wet, the way I like em!
ACTING
To be honest, all of the dames in this Zoo did what they had to do well, specially considering the little meat they were given to work with. So props to all for fine deliveries and finer booties.
T & A
We're treated to some MILF tits that failed to have Arrow Jr. pay attention. We also get some T and some gorgeous A (In a shower....where else?) at the hands of the Margot Kidder wannabe...NICE!
DIRECTING
When given the chance Glen Morgan managed to build up an oppressive mood while putting out some slicker than slick shots. Too bad that went down too seldomly, the rest of the time, it was point and shoot land she went. Ho-hum.
SOUNDTRACK
I dug the use of X-Mas Carrols here, they beautifully clashed with the ugliness going on. Other than that, I can't even remember if there was a score...was there a score? WHO CARES!
BOTTOM LINE
I highly doubt that this formulaic, by the numbers, soulless and clueless remake will have anybody rushing out to rent the original, so let me do my part. See Black Christmas; its creepy, well put together and more clever than the norm. basically everything that this sloppy, dumb, predictable and gore filled (to make up for it lacking everywhere else) Black X-Mas wasn't. Sure this chop-shop remake was dumb as nails and mean as f*ck and I can see myself enjoying it on some level with a beer in my hand, friends in the house and a girl in my lap but that doesn't make it a good film. Not by a long shot. 
BULL'S EYE
Word is that director Glen Morgan had differences with the Producers. The latter were responsible for lots of the film while Glen wanted his name off it but couldn't due to his contract. We still love you Morgan! We know its not your fault bro!

The film's trailer sported all kinds of scenes that were specifically shot for the trailer and never meant for the final cut of the flick. Urg...pathetic...

DUCK THE OFFICIAL BLACK X-MAS SITE HERE

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3:16PM on 10/29/2008
This movie blew. I am so sick of studios having to hand feed us back stories of why a killer is a killer. The first one was creepy as hell because you didn't know! You never even really saw him! And the calls in the original are genuinely freaky and unnerving. This film just blew on all levels. I found it embarrasingly stupid.
This movie blew. I am so sick of studios having to hand feed us back stories of why a killer is a killer. The first one was creepy as hell because you didn't know! You never even really saw him! And the calls in the original are genuinely freaky and unnerving. This film just blew on all levels. I found it embarrasingly stupid.
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+0
3:12PM on 02/26/2007

great slasher movie

I'm a big fan of the original, but I have to say I was very pleased with the remake. This is what a slasher movie needs to be, brutal, unforgiving, cool villians, great music, etc...

it's funny how some people are actually tearing this movie apart, yet they call themselves HORROR fans. We haven't had a movie like this in agaes, and you bastards decide that it's not good enough. Why? I had turn away from the screen about "four" times, because it was so graphic. What's also funny, its that
I'm a big fan of the original, but I have to say I was very pleased with the remake. This is what a slasher movie needs to be, brutal, unforgiving, cool villians, great music, etc...

it's funny how some people are actually tearing this movie apart, yet they call themselves HORROR fans. We haven't had a movie like this in agaes, and you bastards decide that it's not good enough. Why? I had turn away from the screen about "four" times, because it was so graphic. What's also funny, its that the same people who hate this flick, seem to be going nuts for HATCHET(which is the same god damn movie, folks) believe me, there is awful horror movies out there, but BLACK XMAS ain't one of them. Give it a try, if your a real horror fan, you'll love it.
If you never have seen the original, get it as well, but be warned, it doesn't have the over the top violence you'll find in the remake.
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+0
5:00AM on 01/01/2007
This was one of the most unoriginal movies I've ever seen. And I'm not talking about it being a remake. I meant in its lame pace and unoriginal death scenes and bad acting. I went to the movies expecting good times and fun. I got nothing. Not even my money back. Just plain bad direct-to-video material.
This was one of the most unoriginal movies I've ever seen. And I'm not talking about it being a remake. I meant in its lame pace and unoriginal death scenes and bad acting. I went to the movies expecting good times and fun. I got nothing. Not even my money back. Just plain bad direct-to-video material.
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+0
11:22PM on 12/30/2006

UGH!

I agree, it sucked monkey balls.
I agree, it sucked monkey balls.
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+1
7:24PM on 12/29/2006
Personally, I quite enjoyed it. I'm not big on most of the horror/slasher garbage on the big screen nowadays, but I ended up going to see this one ON CHRISTMAS DAY since the presents were already opened and no family was arriving until later. And you know what? I enjoyed the movie because I got the feeling that it didn't take itself seriously - that was quite obvious with the candy-cane kill. The backstory was actually good (maybe a little too good) and the kills were just awesome.

I got
Personally, I quite enjoyed it. I'm not big on most of the horror/slasher garbage on the big screen nowadays, but I ended up going to see this one ON CHRISTMAS DAY since the presents were already opened and no family was arriving until later. And you know what? I enjoyed the movie because I got the feeling that it didn't take itself seriously - that was quite obvious with the candy-cane kill. The backstory was actually good (maybe a little too good) and the kills were just awesome.

I got what this movie basically aimed to deliver: hot girls & lots of violence. Once in a while, I think I'm allowed to enjoy a "no-brainer" like this one. I think the only reason it's getting such negative reviews (alright, there wasn't much character development, but this movie didn't need it on the part of the sorority girls) is because it's a remake of, supposedly, a great movie. I only learned a day before seeing it that it was a remake. Didn't faze me though...I'll have to rent the original soon.

In short, it's nothing to be taken seriously, just fun sick times to be had during the most joyous holiday of the year. Don't set expectations high and you'll like it.
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+1
3:06PM on 12/29/2006

I liked it....

I don't think it was too bad, nothing brilliant but I liked the movie for what it was. I liked the Billy back story VERY much, I liked the original but I think the writers did a good thing bu explaining how Billy became so fucked up, I would rather get to know about him than the girls who you know are going to be sliced and diced.

I think I have a lesbian crush on Crystal Lowe though.
I don't think it was too bad, nothing brilliant but I liked the movie for what it was. I liked the Billy back story VERY much, I liked the original but I think the writers did a good thing bu explaining how Billy became so fucked up, I would rather get to know about him than the girls who you know are going to be sliced and diced.

I think I have a lesbian crush on Crystal Lowe though.
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9:38PM on 12/28/2006

i`m sharping a candy cane

glen morgan please stop crying. well the ladies looked pretty. what was it like before the re shoots?.
dimension studios lookout f--kers your about to get a drive by xmas tree throwing at your heads.
glen morgan please stop crying. well the ladies looked pretty. what was it like before the re shoots?.
dimension studios lookout f--kers your about to get a drive by xmas tree throwing at your heads.
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